Hungry For God

2008-12-15T19:28:00.000-08:00

Well...yesterday I opened up my purse at Walgreens to pay for some photos, and my wallet was missing. We had just been at church for a small group meeting where I'd left my purse on the conference room table for a few minutes while we left the room. I don't know if it was stolen or if Sam threw it in the trash, or if Mayah has it somewhere...but we have searched the house, the car and have backtracked to every place I went yesterday and it's obvious that it's gone. So, I have no id, no bank card, no credit card, no insurance card...no cash. No driver's license. And Luke is going out of town tomorrow morning! I called and canceled my bank card and credit card, and I went to get a new license today but the DMV system was down for the entire state of Ohio, and tomorrow I have to take Sam to the MD for bloodwork without a driver's license and without an insurance card!!! Yippee. I really hope it was not stolen...that just creeps me out.

New Blog!!

2008-07-06T15:35:00.000-07:00

I have a new blog! I've been thinking of switching/changing the name or location for a while, and I finally have. Everyone is invited - wine and cheese and chocolate will be provided, but feel free to BYOB!

http://karilynnbryant.wordpress.com/

Update # 2

2008-06-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

Well...we did get an offer on our house in Nebraska, for exactly what it is listed for. So far, the buyers have had an inspection, and have not cancelled the closing, which is set for July 9. That is WONDERFUL news, because it means that we don't have to worry with the crazy updates the relo company would require with their purchase.

We are still living in a hotel in Cincinnati. The staff here knows us, knows our kids names...one girl actually calls me the "laundry lady." We have been house hunting, and we did find one that we love. We actually found 3, but 2 sold, and so we made an offer on the 3rd one. It did not end up working out though, so now we are back to square one.

Luke just got back from spending a week in MO, sandbagging and manning water pumps, etc...His employer sent him to help flood victims and mainly to protect several grain elevators from the flooding. It was a week from hell here. If you can imagine me with both kids in this hotel room! Then, Sam got an ear infection, so he did not sleep. Or, I should say WE did not sleep. Mayah is completely freaked out and tired of this situation and is letting me know in any way she possibly can, including peeing on whatever she can find. We went back to the pull ups, but since she knows how to take them off, it doesn't really matter :) Oh yes. I am THAT mom at the park. Everyone is warning their kids to stay away from the spot "that little girl just peed on." And I'm trying to figure out, while I have a baby in a stroller to boot, if I should somehow try to clean it up...with what? Wipes? Ask maintenence for a hose? But then she goes running off again, and I go chasing, so we just let it go. And...I just don't really have anything left to be consistent with discipline. I know that I need to get it together and be the mom, but it just never happens lately. I realize that I can't threaten her with staying home, because by about 10am, if we can't get out of here, we will kill each other.

After visiting every McDonald's with a play place, yesterday I decided that I will NEVER ever ever ever ever eat there again...not even the drive through. I had to tell Mayah that "donald's" is broken. She took it very well. I've gained most of my pregnancy weight back because I can't exercise and I eat french fries every day. So, if I wasn't taking zoloft, I can positively say that I would be a complete mess. Well, I am a complete mess, I think I would probably be in a mental institution.

So...THEN, (and this is for you nursing mothers out there, so men - just beware), I thought I had developed a nice case of mastitis, feeling under the weather, severe pain, strange shapes and colors. Thank goodness I had a friend to call to refer me to a doctor. They have 2 clinics, and the one with an opening was in downtown cincy, in the ghetto. So, here I go, with 2 kids, right at naptime, driving into the ghetto, to have a doctor I've never seen look at my boob. It was fantastic. Really. The doctor doesn't know what is going on, so she scheduled an ultrasound on the same day that we have Sam's first appt with his new endocrinologist (which we had to schedule 4 months in advance), and there is not another opening for the ultrasound for the next 2 weeks. The doctor said that she wanted me in in the next week, so that really freaked me out. I'm a little scared.

That is what is going on with us...we are still looking. It's tough, but Luke is home now, and things are much much better...other than being homeless.

The MOPS leader I met has become a lifesaver for me. She's had us over to play and for dinner a couple of times, and I feel I truly have a new friend. She even let me borrow her crockpot!

Update

2008-05-31T15:37:00.000-07:00

Saturday night the kids and I landed in Colombus, Oh after a tour of Texas to see relatives. It was good to see Ann (Luke's mom) and our new niece, Zoe...as well as the rest of the Bryants! We also got to see my aunt Vicki and Uncle Richard and my grandparents on my mom's side in Houston. It was a good week! The kids loved being at Vicki's...and she actually took over "baby duty" for several nights while we were there, waking up with Sam to feed him in the middle of the night. I can't even begin to explain unless you've had to travel with 2 babies alone how awesome that is.

We also got to see my dad and his side of the family down in McAllen, where the temperature did hit 105 degrees. It was incredibly HOT. My grandmother loved seeing the kids, and held Sam a few times. It was really neat to see her with him, and the life that he brought. Babies do that! My step sister had her baby the night before we left, but we didn't get to see him. He is healthy and perfect though! I also got to see my sister, her family, including the sweetest new baby ever.

We are now living in a hotel in Cincinnati for - well, we don't know how long right now. It doesn't really seem as if anything is being done regarding our home in Nebraska and it's sale. The realtor is still showing it. We are still involved in "something" with the relocation company, though i'm not quite sure what that would be. The best thing for us right now would still be for our house to sell to a private party there. I don't want to go into all of the details because my husband's employer is also involved in the process, which is a good thing, but it has been (and still is) very frustrating.

Living in a hotel room with a 2 yr old and a 7 month old is quite a challenge, but we are coping. I keep going back to something someone told me about our situation. She said that God had laid it on her heart that he is protecting us right now in our current situation, by not allowing us to buy a house yet. So. I'm trying to trust. MEanwhile, there is a nice park nearby, and I've had a really cool day! Let me tell you about it! I called the local MOPS group and was given the phone number of the lady in charge (I think she is anyway), and she called me back soon after. What a sweet soul she seems to be. We are meeting her family tomorrow at a church in the area, and then she has invited the kids and I over to her house Monday for coffee and play time. She told me about a Thursday park play time for moms in the MOPS group also. I dont' even know if we are going to live in this area, but for now it seems like God is dropping little gifts in my lap to bring a little sanity.

We went for a drive today to look at the area...we drove out into sort of "the country" to a place that we LOVE...and stopped at a park where a church was having a little party. A man was wearing a T-shirt advertising the seminary that my brother-in-law is currently attending in Texas, so we started up a conversation. He is the youth pastor at a church, and has a little girl Mayah's age. They played for about an hour at the park, and he told Luke about the area that we fell in love with. We'll see if that is where God puts us.

Who knows what church we'll go to, or if God will even place us in a church buidling...but the people inside those buildings, that make up the organization, have extended their kindness as the "church" to us so far, and for that I am thankful.

I also just wanted to share that I just finished reading The Shack. I didn't think I could get through it, having a daughter of my own, the beginning was difficult to swallow. Also, because I lost my mother at a young age...I've been mad and have blamed God for that ever since. But, I think that God is planting little seeds that will hopefully one day grow into an understanding of Who He is...really. This book did just that I believe. It's a little strange, but I thought it was beautiful. I thought it was cheesy at times, but it made me cry and love even more deeply...and it spoke deeply to my heart. I will have to post about it in more detail when I have a chance. In the meantime, I HIGHLY recommend it.

I miss the blogging community that I've grown to know a little, and I hope to be in touch again soon. If you think of us...we could use your prayers for sanity, things to do that do not cost an awful lot of money...friends for Mayah, our house to sell...these are all things that I WANT, but I guess more than that, peace and patience, and the ability to live knowing that we are being taken care of, no matter where we are.

Todd Bentley/Florida Outpouring/Healings

2008-05-05T18:11:00.000-07:00

Anyone heard of this? I just happened to be flipping channels and caught it on GodTV. Um...can I just say how humiliating it was to watch someone knocking people down in the name of Jesus? Screaming "Fire" and BABABABABA ( I am familiar with tongues), and then shoving people hard! He wasn't even really saying anything about Jesus anyway. The folks at the revival were clambering up to the front to touch this guy as if he were God himself, and he was sucking it all in like a superhero. Now, I suppose that God can work here..He can do anything He wants to and however He wants, and maybe there are some legitimate healings taking place. And then again...maybe it's all just theatrics. He was even trying to knock down the security guards who were trying to control the crowd, and then I saw a man and a woman who were "giving the fire" from up on stage...they were almost fighting with each other to get to the next person to hit. Completely ridiculous...hillarious, insane, and a downright incredible performance if you ask me.

Just wondering if anyone else has seen this or has an opinion...because, well, we're not moving in 2 days and homeless and not packed or anything....so I have all of the time in the world to blog and read! ;)

Stagnant

2008-05-02T05:57:00.000-07:00

That is how my life seems right now. In a way, it's really good because there isn't anything I can to about any of the chaos. I am strangely calm! Or maybe it's just denial :)

It's been almost 3 weeks and we still have not received the appraisal yet for our current home. We found out yesterday that one of the appraisers did not get the square footage!!!!!!!!!!! Yes. Seriously. Everything is going through a 3rd party relocation company, so it's taking a lot longer than if we were just doing it ourselves.

We got ahold of the termite guy who missed the mess the first time, and apparently he knew that he had screwed up because he offered to do the job at cost for us (not free, but hey we'll take what we can get at this point), which is about 2000 bucks less then cost. \

Now...it seems like we are just waiting for the inspector's report and the movers to come and then what will be will be...

Sam is feeling MUCH better, and Mayah's keeping us all in stitches lately...little miss drama queen!

It doesnt' really seem like we're moving next week...there are people we haven't said goodbye to and things we have yet to do. If you walked into our house it is business as usual! I imagine by this time next week it will be complete anarchy.

Warning. This is a bitch session.

2008-04-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a helluva week. It started last weekend, really, when we did not find a house in Ohio...then I had the kids for 3 nights without Luke ( I was not cut out to be a single parent in ANY form), Sam got an ear infection on day 2, and Mayah has regressed a little in her potty training. So, between a screaming 6 month old who is in too much pain to lie down, a 2 yr old pooping in her big girl panties, calls from the realtor to show our house, which is a wreck, a kitty who is still sick, and no sleep for 4 days...it seems like it's all starting to pile up again. We found out yesterday that the house has termites...and it's had them since before we bought it, so either the realtor, the pest control guy (who certified that it was termite free), or the previous owner was doing something illegal to sell the house. We have recourse, but it will likely cost us more than just getting the house treated, which in itself is more than we have right now. The inspector came today, and reported that he was going to have to have a structrual engineer come to survey the house because of some cracks in the basement walls, an electrician and a plumber come out and inspect the wiring and plumbing seperately because the house is so old. Yay.

And then, there is the dreaded trip to Texas...This is what is really weighing on my mind. I wish I had a good thing to say about my family, but I don't. I can't wait to see my sister and her new baby...but the thought of having to stay at my dad's just about makes me want to throw up. Hence the previous post. I think since he's remarried (the day after I graduated from high school, which was 11 yrs ago), I have not had a pleasant visit home. This is not solely because of my stepmother...but there is just something strange going on there that I don't understand. Everyone's always on pins and needles, and any type of mess or "out of line" behavior is completely not tolerated. It's so strange. We cannot be comfortable in the house we grew up in, and we are constantly having to make sure our toddlers are not making a mess in the play room, and that they act like they really want to be around my dad and stepmother, when they feel more uncomfortable than I do. I don't know all of the details of my dad's life. My real mom didn't even know all of the details of his life...it's all a secret it seems, which is probably part of the weirdness of his marriage - who knows? I've stopped trying to figure it out. It just seems like whenever we go down, either we all pretend everything's wonderful and come home exhausted from the act, or we have a huge screaming horrible blow out! I prefer the latter myself, but it doesn't really do any good because the pretense will always be there, and then it all starts over the next trip around. My entire dad's side of the family lives in the same town, so that is why we continue to go down. My grandmother may not be alive for much longer and she has not seen Sam or my sister's baby.

I could have a skewed view, I probably do, but it's where I'm at right now. I don't know who reads this, so I'll spare them/you more details except to say that I wish I felt like he even wanted to see me or my children. I just wish I knew how to respond in a healthy way to the whole situation. I love my dad and my stepmother...but I want to be sane. I want to be real and honest and I want my kids to do the same.

And so...the stress of the move, finances, sick kids, and no sleep is starting to wear on Luke and I. I can't remember the last time we actually had fun together!

Okay...Sam is crying...poor little guy.

Just Wondering

2008-04-25T09:25:00.000-07:00

What are the different ways people handle extended family dysfunction? Assuming that NOT handling it is not an option?

Freaking Out...a little

2008-04-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

So, we are in Cincinnati. We begin our house hunt tomorrow...it's GREAT being in the city again...knowing that this will be my new home. I am like a kid in a candy store. I know that sounds rediculous to most, but try living in the twighlight zone for 2 yrs. We ate at PF Changs...something I've been looking forward to for a week now. And, we are going to get to go to a movie!!! YAY! It's a little bit strange though...I feel like I may just get lost here in the city...I know there will be many ways to connect, and I will be able to meet others and be accepted by folks more easily than when we moved into Falls City. BUT. I feel like I'm going to have to learn how to drive in rush hour traffic again, and all that comes with city life.

I am also freaking out a bit because we left our daughter at home for our "looking" trip. We'll be gone for 5 days, and she's never been without us for more than one night. Maybe 2 nights, but with relatives. I miss her! I never thought I would say that about a 2.5 yr old whose favorite word is "mine!!!!!" or "no!!!" But, I hope she's okay.

We also left a sick kitty at home. I'm feeling really guilty about this. I am not sure what happened to him, I think he got bit again...it seems to be a habit. We've already spent literally thousands of dollars on his medical mishaps, and so Luke has told me "absolutely not!" this time. I am afraid we are just going to have to put him to sleep. It's killing me because I am one of those die hard animal lover types...I don't know what feels worse, leaving him at home knowing he's sick or thinking about putting him to sleep. We have someone who is going to be looking after him, but that is not much comfort.

Okay! I'm going to call and see how Mayah is doing this evening! Tomorrow we start the great hunt. UGH. I hope we just find something we love and KNOW that it's the right place.

The Sinner's Prayer

2008-04-09T12:41:00.001-07:00

Today I was at a Bible study...we just watch a Beth Moore DVD basically. There are 3 of us who typically go in the mornings...me, a girl who is a Christian, and another girl who is not sure about anything just yet. She was not raised around the church, and has no knowledge of the Bible. So, in this particular section, BM leads the ladies on screen and those watching at home to follow her - repeat after her - the sinner's prayer. I had been somewhat prepared for this. The host had mentioned that this would occur, and she was interested to see how this would be received.

We were supposed to repeat after BM OUT LOUD, even if we already have made a commitment to Christ. So, I felt peer pressure to follow along...but then I had to stop. It was the most awful feeling...the words, everything about it felt wrong. We were told that we don't have to come to Christ perfect...you know, "So many people think that they need to wait until they get cleaned up to accept Christ" type of a speech. But then, at the end of the prayer, BM said something to the extent of - if you've just said this prayer for the first time, I want to welcome you to the family of God as my new brothers and sisters, etc...

How awful that must feel for someone who is not a Christian. What an exclusive club it must seem like! Okay - so, NOW you are good enough to be my brother or sister...now that you've said this prayer. NOW you are a part of God's family - because you've said these words this way. I know that she meant that if you have truly come to believe that Jesus died for your sins...but just the way it all came across made me feel embarrassed. I felt embarrassed for the girl there who is not part of the Christian religion, but is surrounded by it and is obviously excluded from it until she decides to "accept Christ." It's like, you really DO have to come to Christ in a certain way. I was just troubled by this.

And, the whole title, the whole concept of a "sinner's prayer" sets the one praying it in a certain position of outcast already. It's as if they are a sinner, but no one else who has accepted Christ is. Now what a load. I think if I was foreign to all of this, it would have really offended me. Maybe I'm easily offended. I mean, I believe that repentence is a huge part of our faith. I believe that until we realize that we are in need of Christ's mercy and forgiveness and grace, we cannot understand the entire concept of the cross. I believe these things, but I also believe that God created each one of us as His family...and I KNOW that even after we've chosen to follow Him, we are far far from perfection. I think the whole idea of a sinner's prayer should be thrown out. I wonder what the whole "coming to faith" would look like if Jesus were to describe it...would there be a way, certain words to say...a certain posture to take?

At the end of the video, I asked the girls about how they felt about the sinner's prayer, and the girl who is not a Christian explained that she felt much like I had imagined her feeling...but the other girl responded and said that she tried not to let herself get bogged down with the legalism of it all. It made me wonder if I was being legalistic. I have so often seen and pointed out others' legalism without realizing that I am steeped in it just as much. Maybe when we are trying to get away from what we think is legalism, we just move too far in the opposite direction and it becomes legalism all over again. The word legalism is starting to sound stupid to me now. I guess I've used it too much :)!

New Spoof Video

2008-04-07T06:49:00.000-07:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=hslswIal9u4

thought this was funny...but I don't know how to post it the right way!

A Lesson

2008-03-26T16:37:00.001-07:00

So, I guess there is nothing I can really do to further this process along, so I'm back!

Today my daughter came home with an action figure - it looked like "Skeletor" with brown fur and red eyes that light up...fangs too and long sharp looking claws. She sat down and dumped her little people out and began to play with them all together. The action figure was pushing the baby in the stroller, and playing "camping" with the other little girls and their mommies and daddies.

I said, "Mayah, you don't want to play with him, he's scary!"

She turned around and looked at me, perplexed, and said, "Mommy, he's not scary, he's nice!"

What a lesson I learned today from a 2 yr old.

Silent Retreat

2008-03-24T16:55:00.001-07:00

....that is what I'm dreaming of....

I'll probably be missing in action for a while.

Our house went on the market today - it is showing tomorrow for the first time! Gonna have to pick up all of those dirty diapers off of the floor and wash the dishes...maybe dust and put away the strollers and bouncers and swings and boppies and every other baby apparatus. Gonna have to find somewhere to go while they show the house. I don't think it will be warm enough to go to the park...and everywhere else in this town is "smoking," which would be fine if not for a 5 month old baby. If I still smoked, I'd be puffing one right now. Instead I've eaten a whole box of girl scout cookies. And, I'm cracking open a bottle of wine...

We found out today that Luke will be starting in Cinci on May first...

So. So. So.

We have one month to do the impossible:
- finish the remodeling project we started in the bathroom a year ago
- sell our house in a poor market
- buy a house
- move
- go to TX before my sister moves to Hawaii so we can see my new nephew at least once in our lives

So....in between all of this, we've discovered an enlarging lymph node on Sam's neck that is not going away as it should. We've also got to find a pediatric endcrinologist in Cinci to follow his thyroid progress...and decide if we are going to live in temporary housing in Cinci until our house sells here or if the three of us (me and the kids) will leave Luke in Cinci and stay in Falls City while he works until the house sells...or if we are going to go to TX until the house sells so we can be there when my sister gets there anyway and I will have some emotional support. It all hinges on what temporary housing is, and if they will let us bring our pets. So, what are we going to do with our pets? What if temporary housing is an extended stay hotel? 2 cats, a 2 yr old, a 5 month old, and 2 adults. What fun! Oh, yeah...the house next door is for sale. the house across the street is for sale too. 2 streets over there are 2 more homes for sale ;) one block to the north of us, there are also 2 homes for sale.

Oh, God! Please cause the house to sell to the people who are looking at it tomorrow!!! Maybe they'll just want to re-do the bathroom themselves :) Just convince me that miracles still do happen.

2008-03-15T20:26:00.001-07:00

Tonight I am really struggling with the fear that someone will harm my children...I know I need to stop watching the news. It's all come into focus lately as we prepare to move from our tiny, safe (yet all too weird) town into a larger city. I'm afraid! And as I pour my fears out to God, I am realizing that I don't trust Him to take care of my family...mostly because He has never promised me that He would. He has never said things will be happy all of the time, so how do I get over this fear? My thoughts are all over the place...I don't think I'll ever understand how one person could intentionally harm another in a violent way...I'm so sensitive. Not that I've never ever caused someone harm unintentionally...maybe I think too highly of myself...okay back to the struggle of trust. Why should I trust God to protect my children? What if He doesn't? If horrible things happen every where we look, what makes me or my family any less likely a candidate? Why would He choose to protect us and not someone else who needs protection?

Okay...the ambien just kicked in.
going to bedd hopefully

2008-03-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

Just received "messy spirituality" by yaconelli...thank you vicki!

For me, it is a little harder to read than "So you don't want to go to church anymore?" but it is really good so far. Thought I would share a quote that I have kept going back to...one that I really like:

"One of my favorite Peanuts cartoons starts with Lucy at her five-cent psychology booth, where Charlie Brown has stopped for advice about life.

'Life is like a deck chair, Charlie,' she says. 'On the cruise ship of life, some people place their deck chair at the rear of the ship so they can see where they've been. Others place their deck chair at the front of the ship so they can see where they're going.'

The good "doctor" looks at her puzzled client and asks, 'Which way is your deck chair facing?'

Without hesitating, Charlie replies glumly, 'I can't even get my deck chair unfolded.'

Charlie and I are soul mates."

I have enjoyed this so much because learning to accept that my "ugliness" and awkwardness and my questions and my faulty logic and all of me that is imperfect is OKAY is just hard. I'm just at the beginning of this...the very tip of the iceberg...but when I begin to think about it, I begin to think about others differently also...and seem to give a lot more grace where I would not have before.

2008-03-12T06:05:00.000-07:00

Oh...it is so against my whole lifestyle to be confrontational. I was raised to never ever ever be a problem, to always make people feel good, and to take on the responsibility or fault of anything that goes wrong. Also, that my self worth comes from others and their opinions of me, whether they are true or false. In this teaching, I also gained the very important knowledge on how to manipulate people, give guilt trips...you know, the things you observe...if you are being manipulated into feeling guilty all of the time, into never opening your mouth, then you learn to do the manipulating also. Just like if you hit your kids for hitting others...then, you are really teaching them it's okay to hit others. And so, I am "co-dependent" and with that comes being "manipulative." Pretty, huh?

I guess that God is wanting me to stop the madness. And it's so hard. I am second guessing myself at every step. I am really struggling with setting healthy boundaries and sticking with them...I am struggling with the idea that Jesus's blood covers all sin, and that is translating in my mind into guilt over keeping my boundaries (that seems like such a technical/counselor term, eh? I don't know what else to call it right now). It just is the most awful thing for someone to be mad at me!!! I hate it. I want everyone to like me and to be happy with me...and the fact that I am actually the one to cause the so-called problem is just eating me! It would just be so much easier to let people walk all over me and not confront the line that they step over. But, that is stepping away from the truth, stepping over the line for myself. But THAT IS SIN! Just because it looks different than what we think it should....

I am really just rambling, trying to sort things out in my mind. Maybe I've had too much coffee.

New Sins

2008-03-10T08:27:00.000-07:00

http://green.yahoo.com/news/nm/20080310/hl_nm/pope_sins_dc.html

Thought this was interesting...wonder what of the concept of personal conviction, decisions, morals, etc... ? Does the catholic church just think that everyone is too dumb to listen to their conscience with regards to "sin"? We are all robots who have to be programmed on what to do and what not to do. Interesting...that the Catholic church believes that they actually get to decide what is a sin and what is not!

Moving Again...

2008-03-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

We found out yesterday that we are moving to Cincinnati, Oh. Part of me is SO excited to get out of Falls City...to be able to actually buy groceries in the town I live in, to go out to eat without having to drive an hour...to perhaps go to a movie once in a while! Maybe a coffee shop!!! I bet we can actually get wireless internet there :)

The other part of me is wilting...wondering if I'm up for starting over again...making new friends, pulling all of our stuff out of boxes, arranging it just so, hanging curtains, putting the crib together, the clothes back into the drawers...hanging pictures on the walls. Mostly, making new friends. I've discovered lately that I am a social retard. I am also co-dependent. Aren't we all? I am so afraid of having to begin all over again, I'm afraid I'm going to hole up with my 2 little ones and just be a hermit.

I cried when we left Galveston...it was the best and worst place we've lived. I cried when we left Minneapolis...it was an amazing place to live. I don't think I'll cry when we leave Falls City, NE (the butthole of America), but I might cry when we get to Cincinnati. I'm just a little stressed out about how life in a new city with a 2 yr old and a 4 month old will be when I don't know anyone or anything about the city. I kind of wish we had a welcoming committee assigned to us by my husband's company...

On the brighter side...I may be able to finally go back to school, and we will be able to do things we've missed for a while, and maybe we'll find a house church...or a place where we have a little bit more in common with others than here. I just posted a comment on a friend's blog - she's moving to India! I told her it was like God just grabbed her hand and said, "Let's jump into that deep scary ocean together!" Maybe He's doing that with me too.

2008-02-27T18:48:00.000-08:00

I think I am learning that in this journey most things really boil down to man's motives.

Oh, This Place...

2008-02-24T13:04:00.000-08:00

It seems I am just a mess of contradictions lately. That is how I feel. This place where I am at spiritually is so confusing for me - anyone else? In the process of being refined, of God taking away those things that are meaningless to Him, I seem to have lost my footing, and I'm longing for a strong rock to stand on. Not like I've lost my faith, but I've lost all that I've known as far as what the church has taught me about having faith. I know that God is my "rock"...and that is ultimately what He is doing...causing me to only stand upon Him...not religion, not the motions, not the things that other "christians" say to stand on, not even on the Bible, but solely on Him (whoah - getting ready for some backlash on that one!). But a friend and I were discussing how meaningless, how void His word is without His interpretation of it...if all we know are words from the book, they are only words from a book, and we can make them mean whatever we want them to mean.

In my small little town, there is a ladies Bible study that I have attended on and off. It's always a Beth Moore study, and I'm so TIRED of Beth Moore studies, BUT every time I go, God seems to speak to me in an unexpected way. I was struckby something I heard on the last video I watched of this particular study...BM was giving some background information on the timing of this study - history of the Israelites - and I know I'm going to botch this all up terribly...but she told about how the people of God (before Christ) identified themselves with hearing audibly the voice of God - God communicated with them on a daily basis...but there came a time that He stopped communicating with them. He never broke covenant with them, but His audible voice was no longer heard...this time in history was a pretty intense time - the translation of God's word into Greek, the slavery of the Israelites in Egypt, cruel rulers over them, etc... The Bible says that people were searching all over the earth for someone who had heard from God, and though there were people who had claimed to hear from Him, the Israelites knew in their hearts it was not true. And this was a time when legalism truly invaded God's people...they did not hear from Him, and so in order to "feel" like they were on the right track, they came up with the rules and regulations, the traditions, etc...that they could act out in order to justify the silence in a way. This is so funny, because it goes right along with Isaiah 1, which God has continued to put on my heart - all of those things He is telling His people that He did not require of them..."your foolish festivals," "...meaningless sacrifices," etc..

So, I have to wonder...if we got rid of all of our ceremonies, our church buildings, our dresses and suits, our Sunday School classes, our rigid rules about who to hang out with and how to act...about what our doctrine should sound like, and how we should worship, how we should pray...how we should view God, all of the things that man has put into place...I wonder if we may really know God any better? I wonder if we might just clear a path to His voice? And when we finally do hear Him, will we still need all of the rules, or would we fall so deeply in love with Him that we would discover our only purpose is to love Him and let Him love us?

I have heard this over and over...that we were created to love Him, and for Him to love us. That is a hard thing to do...to just love Him and not have to prove something to Him, to not perform for Him or complete a checklist "for Him." I so long to be able to always remember to just love Him. Unfortuantely, that is not what we are normally taught to do by our parents or by our church or by society...

Okay...Sam is hungry, and Mayah needs a nap, and I haven't even gotten to my point yet! Blah, blah, blah...I'll have to finish this little tangent later.

Sick and Tired...of Being Sick and Tired

2008-01-21T14:51:00.000-08:00

This has been a ROUGH cold and flu season for my family...My 2 yr old has had the crud for 5 months...has been on 3 rounds of antibiotics, 3 different allergy medications, and finally seen an actual allergist (turns out she is not allergic to anything - so much for the small town MD).

Over Christmas we ALL had the crud, then the stomach bug...then we finally got a little better...but not all the way. We hadn't been home from TX for 2 days before my daughter, Mayah, was running a fever and had another runny nose and cough.

Today I had to take my 3 month old son in because he started coughing yesterday, the croupy kind of cough...and couldn't breath through his nose (I also woke up with another sore throat) Turns out he has RSV. It has been going around the area...and the daycare my daughter goes to sent home a letter requesting everyone be tested...we had her tested, but her MD said she was fine.

So, Sam's MD (who is different from my daughter's because Sam has a thyroid condition that has to be treated by a specialist) told me that my daughter is probably carrying the virus also, and we have to treat both of them...I also found out that my daughter's MD didn't really test her for RSV when we asked them to...which may be the reason she has been sick for so long. See, you actually have to send a mucous sample to the lab, not just listen to the child breath! They both have to be on breathing treatments...Sam has to be watched especially close, and if he is having trouble breathing, we have to take him to the emergency room immediately.

When the MD called me back with Sam's RSV results, he also gave me his latest thyroid levels, which are not where they are supposed to be...so, we've been hit with both pretty serious bits of information at one time.

I am officially the best booger sucker, nose blower, vapor-tent maker , pill crusher in the state of Nebraska...and I doubt I will ever sleep again!

Today I've been Cloroxing my house...and wiping all of Mayah's toys down with lysol disinfectant...I think this process could take a week, and by then, it will need to be done again. I am SO at the end of my rope with my family being sick...

I have decided to take my daughter out of her little learning center...though she asks me when she gets to go again every day....

2008-01-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

Most Sunday mornings (lately), Along with many Americans, I go to a building that our current culture calls a church. I go with the hope of experiencing God, receiving from Him, connecting with Him and other believers in my spirit.
Lately though, I have realized that the thing I go to this building to do, I actually experience more of outside of the building...without the liturgy, the pomp and ceremony...My spirit connects with others better through conversation or touch than through experiencing the same sermon or worship songs.
I've found that I truly love the people that gather together every Sunday at this building, their hearts for Christ, and their different personalities are so awesome when we are all apart from the laws and rituals, the expectations, the clothes, the songs, and the building that makes up our "church." In fact, some of our closest friends pastor the church! My point here is not to say that this place, or the heart of those who go there are bad, or that they have poor intentions.

It makes me really wonder about the first century church. What did Christ really desire for His followers...? Was it really close intimacy, sharing, healing, acceptance, and love? Or was it a hierarchy holding onto a rule book? A certain wardrobe, a certain order of events, a certain place for the "pastor" to stand, a certain place for the "church" to sit, the right songs to sing to bring about a certain experience...it all seems so strange to me now. Is this the way it was meant to be?

I know I've heard from a lot of others who feel the same way, so many are struggling with the "church" as it currently stands...and so, for those of you who are curious, I'm reading a really great book. My aunt Vicki sent me Pagan Christianity? Exploring the Roots of Our Church Practices by Frank Viola and George Barna. They invite us to question why we do church the way we do...Here are a few excerpts! I'm leaving out sources used by the authors, so you'll need to actually read the book to get their research and evidence...it's in there :)

"As Christians we are taught by our leaders to believe certain ideas and behave in certain ways. We are also encouraged to read our Bibles. But we are conditioned to read the Bible with the lens handed to us by the Christian tradition to which we belong. We are taught to obey our denomination (or movement) and never to challenge what it teaches. "

"If the truth be told, we as Christians never seem to ask why we do what we do. Instead we blithely carry out our religious traditions without asking where they came from. Most Christians who claim to uphold the integrity of God's Word have never sought to see if what they do every Sunday has any scriptural backing. How do we know this? Because if they did, it would lead them to some very disturbing conclusions that would compel them by conscience to forever abandon what they are doing. "

"There does not exist a shred of biblical support for the church building. Yet scores of Christians pay good money each year to sanctify their brick and stone. By doing so, they have supported an artificial setting where they are lulled into passivity and prevented from being natural or intimate with other believers. "

I hope you'll check it out.

2007-10-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

I became so angry with my daughter today...I acted quite poorly. I lost it, I yelled at her...she's not even 2 years old! I haven't been this mad in a long time. I was still mad at her when I had to wrestle her down for a nap...when I finally had a moment to calm down, I realized that I really need to apologize to her, and tell her that I was wrong. I felt so terrible...but there was something in me that didn't want to admit I was wrong. She was the one who was being a brat!! I just kept asking God to not let my heart get hard, and to cause me to be humble. I began to think of a couple I love very much, who seem to have lived their marriage in the passive aggressive relationship that I fear. As I was thinking about Mayah and how I behaved, I realized how fast after defeat or disappointment, anger comes in...and how fast pride follows anger. Maybe it's because we don't want to forgive ourselves or others, and it's hard to admit we have behaved or thought wrongly...so we don't go there, and instead we start stacking up bricks. Every time we choose to not relent in our pride - even if it seems justified - we lengthen the gap between our hearts. Maybe it's because satan doesn't hesitate to pile on the shame, causing us to feel dirty and ugly. So, we must hide our filth and pretend it's not there...developing a passive aggressive pattern. It seems to be a much easier lifestyle for so many people, especially after letting years and years of denial and pride build up as the result of our wounds. Maybe we think that if we remove 1 brick, the whole wall will collapse, and we'll be exposed for the weak humans that we are. What will we do with the mess? Who will love us then? I think in reality, weakness is easier to love than the tough passive aggressive...maybe that is the point also?

2007-09-23T10:00:00.000-07:00

Though I am poor, You say I am rich...
Though I am dirty, You say I am lovely.

Though I am dark and comely, You say I am beautiful...
Though I am worn and tattered, You would give anything for me.

There is something in my weakness that draws You to me.
How can it be that this is what has overwhelmed You and ravished Your heart?

2007-09-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

I've recently deleted some posts...I'm just trying to be sensitive to others, and I worry that the posts may have been hurtful, or may have exposed some people in a way not honoring. My struggles are not always related solely to me, and maybe a blog is not the place to share your inmost struggles just in case some of you were wondering...especially when you are 8 months pregnant, you're doctor is a farmer (just kidding, I think she's actually pretty good), and you live in isolation :)

If you've read previous blogs, you may know that I am on a women's ministry core group for the AG church in Falls City...though we are not members there, we are still somewhat involved...or, I am, I guess. They had started a pretty neat ministry for young adults, more of a discussion than a sermon-type of meeting, and also more intimate...but it pretty much flopped over the summer, as a lot of things do. So...we've felt a little homeless as far as church goes. We've been wondering around town, going to different churches...still nothing different from the last time we wandered...

But, at our last meeting, the women's ministry asked me if I would lead a study on the book, "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge...I told them I would co-lead if someone would agree to help me since I'm having a baby in a few weeks and also it will be right in the midst of harvest, and my husband will be extremely busy at work. I have not had anyone volunteer, and those I've asked have declined. I've never led anything, really...and my ideas of how this would go are completely different from the norm...and women can sometimes be hard to work with as we often want to fix each other and know it all...I know this because I am one of those who want to fix everyone. I realized how hard this can be on another when someone was trying to fix me, and it really irritated me and sometimes hurt my feelings.

Blah...blah...blah...all this to say, if you think of me, please pray that my soul and pride would not take over and that it would obviously be God doing the work here...

Other than that...let's see...we went to the Omaha zoo today - the nicest zoo I've ever been to. If you're ever in the neighborhood, you should check it out! It's open year round :) The bathrooms are even clean, and there is one about every 30 yards!

2007-08-06T15:18:00.000-07:00

I wish I had more time to blog....to share with you everything that God is doing.

It is 100 degrees outside with about 90% humidity. I feel like we live in Houston, TX again. Who knew Nebraska could be so sweltering? We will be having ice for dinner. Or, maybe icecream...hmmm...rocky road. With cheetos! ;)

I Don't Go To Church

2007-07-20T14:45:00.001-07:00

So...right now I don't go to church. It's hard to explain this to people. I guess because I don't really understand what God is doing right now either. I feel like my faith is being questioned quite often, and my "wandering from an authoritatative umbrella" has been pointed out - this because of practicing faith while not going to church, precisely. Although, I don't consider myself loyal to any church or religious belief above Christ Himself, to Whom I am committed and submitted.

I just got off of the phone with a pastor who shook me up, strangely. It was not this pastor who questioned my faith in the way above, but I still felt like I was being scrutinized. I called to invite his wife to bring their children to the park or over here to play....I was taking a HUGE risk, as this town is pretty unfriendly in general, and I have yet to really meet any younger moms with kids who want to be friends. And...I'm not good at setting myself up for rejection as I have my own issues there. But, I'm so longing for a friend, and for friends for Mayah...I had met her a couple of weeks ago, and she has been on my mind ever since. Today I saw her twice, so I thought, what the heck? I'll just call! So, her husband answered and was making polite conversation about church...and in particular what we believed about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts operating today...and I couldn't explain any of the reasons we are not going to church right now...nor could I explain how I felt about "speaking in tongues," or how I KNOW that the Holy Spirit is still operating today. I guess Baptists believe that the gifts were for a time long ago, but not for today? Nor could I explain why we still feel like we don't have a church home after being here for over a year.

I don't know why. I want a church home...I really really do. Just don't feel at home at any church. I've often wondered if we are supposed to suck it up and just go somewhere we don't fit in at all, but we've done that. Are we just being picky? Are there really not any churches here that follow after God's heart the way we long to do? I have already acknowledged that we are not going to find contemporary worship, or freedom in worship, or young people, or anyone we have a deep deep spiritual connection with, and so, what do we look for? It just seems so strange to have a criteria, but then it seems strange that if we didn't, we'd be swollowed up in legalism and religion, far away from the heart of Jesus.

Anyway...I was so uncomfortable. I've been wondering what we are supposed to be doing for a few months now...that was when God really spoke to me about my role in the church we had been going to...and about doing a lot of things that He has not asked me to do, and being someone I am not just to please others. So, I went with it, and here we are.

Mayah's trying to help me write this post, so I'll finish these thoughts later...

I Like This (but please don't misinterpret as a political statement)

2007-07-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

I'm reading The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, by Shane Claiborne...and as with anything we read, discernment is key, and God may speak to me clearly through one part that sounds like heresy to someone else...but there was so much truth in this book. Most of it boiled down to what really matters concerning the heart of God and His kingdom. It's WAY different from what you may hear in church or on TV, and especially from the media. This is a portion of the end of the book that I really really like:

"I am going to Iraq because I believe in a God of scandalous grace. If I believed terrorists were beyond redemption, I would need to rip out half of my New Testament Scriptures, for they were written by a converted terrorist. I have pledged allegiance to a King who loved evildoers so much he died for them (and of course, the people of Iraq are no more evil or more holy than the people of the US), teaching us that there is something worth dying for but nothing worth killing for. While terrorists were nailing him to a cross, my Jesus pleaded that they be shown mercy, for they knew not what they were doing. We are all wretched, and we are all beautiful. No one is beyond redemption. May we see in the hands of the oppressors our own hands, and in the faces of the oppressed our own faces. We are made of the same dust, and we cry the same salty tears.

I am going to Iraq in the footsteps of an executed and risen God. I follow a Jesus who rode into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey at Passover, knowing full well what he was walking into. This Jesus of the margins suffered an imperial execution by an oppressive regime of wealthy and pious elites. And now he dares me and woos me to come and follow, to take up my cross, to lose my life to find it, with the promises that life is more powerful than death and that it is more courageous to love our enemies than to kill them.

I am going to Iraq to stop terrorism. There are Muslim and Christian extremists who kill in the name of their gods. Their leaders are millionaires who live in comfort while their citizens die neglected in the streets. I believe in another kingdom that belongs to the poor and to the peacemakers. I believe in a safe world, and I know this world will never be safe as long as the masses lie in poverty so that a handful of people can live as they wish. Nor will the world be safe as long as we try to use violence to drive out violence. Violence only begets the very thing it seeks to destroy. My King warned his followers, 'If we pick up the sword, we will die by the sword.' How true this has proved to be throughout history. We armed Saddam in the conflict against Iran, and we armed Bin Ladin in the struggle against the Soviet Union. Timothy McVeigh, the most terrifying domestic terrorist in US history, was trained in the Gulf War, where he said he turned into an animal."

I hear people so often trying to categorize their sin, trying to convince themselves that they are better than someone else...better than the drug dealer or the adulterer, or the alcoholic...it's human nature I guess, but it's not God's nature. We are altogether missing the heart of God for His people, all of the people of the world, most importantly the people we don't want to look at or talk to or face.

Spare the Rod Spoil the Child

2007-06-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

I had to write this because I just came from a get-together, where my child was the one who was running around screaming, stealing food off of people's plates and then whining at her very best...and of course, the other children there were perfect little angels. Isn't that always how it goes? Also, the other children there have been disciplined according to the wisdom of Debbie Pearl and her husband, whatever his name is...they advocate switching. Yes, switching.

The woman had given me a book to read called, "No Greater Joy" volume 'i can't remember.' I thought it was a little harsh until I got to a letter written from the mother of an 18 month old who was so thankful for her daughter's wonderful behavior...she actually would walk out to their front yard and stand in front of their tree and say, "switch," when she knew she had done something wrong. I just cried and cried...

I got to thinking about the verse that is used to justify what I like to call child abuse..."Spare the rod, spoil the child." I don't even know where this is in the Bible, but I'm sure it's in there because it is used so often. But, there is another verse that talks about the rod. It's Psalm 23, and that verse says "Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." In this verse, we are likened to sheep, being led by a loving shepherd. The rod and staff are used to guide the sheep and to rescue them when they are in trouble, not to beat them if they go astray. And so....I have to wonder how we have applied the rod to spanking and switching.

I believe strongly in discipline, and have seen the successful results of it in my home (although obviously not tonight...), but I can see how an angry parent can spank easily. It's not so easy to do it with a clean conscience, if you are at peace and calm, as is suggested by so many who advocate it. And, maybe for a child who is older than a toddler, Mr. Sad Spoon may be a good choice for a major major major offense...but switching an 18 month old should be punishable by jail time in my opinion. Loving guidance and consistency in training your child, proving to them safety in their parents arms is what the "rod" means. Even this is hard, and I have seen in the past few months how easy it would be to just let Mayah do whatever she pleases...it's exhausting to teach and discipline a child, but it's also loving and caring and responsible, which a "rod" for switching, scaring, and whipping is not.

Re-Evaluating

2007-05-09T17:18:00.000-07:00

I went to lunch today with some ladies from Church to help plan the food for a brunch. It is going to be at the church I attend, and a guest speaker/missionary will talk while ladies eat. These questions kept coming into my head: Will the poor in this town want to come to this brunch? Will the meth addicts find help here? What about the pregnant teenager? The single mom who just got out of jail?

I have recently become quite involved at this church...and had gotten caught up in the "doing" when God hit me over the head once again with Isaiah 1 - basically reminding me that I am doing all of these things, but none of them are what He has asked of me. It's the harder things that He has asked of me...like going to the nursing home, visiting that abused woman, letting that girl and her boyfriend into my home even though they smell really bad...talking or praying with the person whom I feel is hopeless...these are the ones Jesus intended the church to reach out to. They are the ones that most people (myself included) want to walk far far away from, forgetting that such as they actually exist.

Isn't it so funny how we sometimes consider ourselves to be the "least of these" until God pulls back the shades and shows you someone who is really in need? I have everything I need...I have a home, a husband, a beautiful child, food on the table every night, all of the extras...and I have love. I have support. I have hope.

The nursing home I visit on Tuesdays had brought some of their residents out for lunch where we were eating(I live in a really small town - not many restaurants). A man I know was being wheeled in to sit at the table right next to me. I said hello to him, and he immediately began to tell me about the blanket he had for Mayah ( my little girl), and he had been so sad that I had not been there on Tuesday because he was really looking forward to giving it to her. Later on, one of the ladies that had been there on the Tuesday I missed told me that he had actually cried...he had wanted to give her that blanket so badly. A man who probably sits alone for most of his days in a wheel chair in a nursing home.

He is one who needs the hands of the church wrapped around his neck in love.

That Place

2007-03-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

Has anyone ever experienced the place...it's that time, really... when God is begging you to let Him in to heal you, and you are begging Him to come in and do it...and you've offered up all you have to Him, and said whatever it takes is okay with me...but just as you begin to feel His Spirit connect with yours in that place, that other part of you begins to clam up, and seal off that which His Spirit is connecting with? I have been to this place over and over...

This place, it's like a black and white room with lots of windows that are all closed. Spider webs are starting to spread, and the dust is thick, and the outside is beckoning me to come and play, to share the joy, to experience life! But...as much as I want to, and as much as God wants to...it just doesn't happen. I wonder why not. I wonder when. I wonder why the God who has the power, and wants to heal me and make me whole, is holding back...I wonder why He doesn't just make it so...align the circumstances, ready my heart...and let me out.

I used to think it was something I was doing wrong...but now I know it's only God Who can even cause my subconscious walls to come down...and I've been told and understand that His timing is perfect. If He were to reveal things to me before that, I wouldn't be able to handle it, would be crushed by the weight of it...but it's been years now. So God, why the wait? You know I don't have any patience...You made me that way!

Having One of Those Days...

2007-02-27T14:23:00.000-08:00

I am really struggling with being in Falls City today...I am tired of not having friends my age here...okay, I have one...I'm tired of the cold weather. I am tired of looking at all of the tacky yard crap - fake deer, dogs, fake flowers, etc...and I'm tired of meeting hopeless people, who don't want to change, people who just got out of jail or who are going to jail...lots of people here have experience with jail.

If I want to recycle, I have haul it all to a city an hour away...there's not even a movie theater here anymore. There used to be one that showed one movie at a time (maybe 2?) but they closed it down, and now all of the windows have been broken out. There is sits. Shattered glass still on the ground...only one window boarded up...the other left open for the meth addicts.

I'm tired of feeling alone, of not having anyone who can watch my child if I have to go to the doctor or even if I just want a break. I really need one right now. I am tired of not having a nice big grocery store that sells organic food, or ethnic food, and I'm tired of not having a coffee shop. I'm tired of having to drive an hour away if I need a new pair of jeans or if I want to buy groceries...or if I want to see a person who is not white. I am longing for a change of circumstances...which is not likely to happen.

I know that God wants to change me and not my circumstances...I know that He should be sufficient for me...right now....but COME ON!! Sometimes I have to ask Him why there are even places like this? I wonder what He feels when He looks down on this little town...heartbreak? I know why I am here...and I know that it is to do His work, but it is really hard to keep hoping when no one around you thinks there is anything to hope for. Only God can do that. I can't.

I feel like compassion is slowly leaking out of me...and I know just where to turn. The problem is, today I want to wallow in this shithole. I don't want to go to my Father, because somehow I feel like if I stay here, maybe He will have to come here too...and see all of this...and come with power and might and change things drastically.

Real Freedom

2007-02-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder what it would be like to walk strong, never wavering, being able to say no without feeling guilty, only offering advice when it was right, taking captive all of those ugly thoughts, while not being bound by the law?

Someone posed a question the other day that made me think about freedom versus the law. They asked me, "Did God require that the Israelites take the law, or did He ask them to come and spend time with Him, but they refused? Did God give them the law because they refused a personal relationship with Him?" I've read and re-read the scriptures in Exodus...I can't really tell. You can assume that was the case, but it's not laid out in concrete clarity. One thing is obvious though...throughout the Old Testament, God's chosen ones have declined a wholehearted relationship with Him (this is also true of us today - Jew and Gentile), and opted to do the bare minimum requirements to keep themselves presentable. I wrote about this in a previous post on Isaiah 1. Considering all of this...are we bound by the written law? Are we stuck meeting requirements when there is so much more?

God has been speaking to my heart about what it means to have real freedom. This burden I've felt for so long is the LAW! I'm bound by the law instead of being free in His will. If I were to only act and speak when God tells me so, what would I need the law for? Paul explains this in detail in Galations. My faith in the goodness of God is what prompts my obedience to Him. If my heart is so in tune with His, and if I am completely His, living abandoned to His will, purposing to hear His voice all of the time, then I will know when to move and when to speak. Then...I am not taking on things that are not mine, then I can say NO and not feel guilty, speak the truth without offense.

Of course, this can only happen when your motives are pure. It's so funny, that from the outside your actions can look the same whether your motives are pure or not. This is something else that God has been showing me. He knows the difference...and when we are hearing His voice, He tells us so. Psalm 24:3 - 5 says, "Who shall go up into the mountain of the Lord? Or who shall stand in His Holy Place? He who has clean hands and a pure heart, who has not lifted himself up to falsehood or to what is false, nor sworn deceitfully. He shall receive the blessing from the Lord and righteousness from the God of his salvation."

He is calling me to His heart, so that there I might get rid of the chains of the law that strangle me. Real freedom, resting in Him and His truth instead of the man made laws and burdens the world would have me strap on my back. When will I allow His rod to protect me and His staff to guide and correct me? When will I allow Him to invade my way of thinkng and doing? Truly taking control of my perspective? If I follow His lead, I have no need for the law. Psalm 25:12-14 says, "Who is the man who reverently fears and worships the Lord? Him shall He teach in the way that he should choose. He himself shall dwell at ease, and his offspring shall inherit the land. The secret of the sweet satisfying companionship of the Lord have they who fear Him, and He will show them His covenent and reveal to them its deep inner meaning."

Even the most innocent of words or actions on my behalf, He's been showing me are really more about my own glory than His. I've been bound by the rules of society that say I have to help someone. Then I help them, but my motivation is not pure. Sure, it looks really good on the outside...so why am I even doing it? To satisfy the world or to make sure they think highly of me? What about Him?

Tenderly He chastise me. Gently He turns me around. Softly He opens my eyes to the way I've wronged someone else - if only by having the wrong motives in my heart. I've found such freedom in this!!! I know it sounds strange, but to be able to speak because He's told me to is so much more than speaking because I want others to know that I know something important...even if the words are exactly the same!! I have to believe He's good, it all hinges on my belief that God is good and He is good TO ME.

I've always loved Jason Upton...but I think I am just now beginning to REALLY understand what he means when he talks about the "form" and "real freedom." These are some of the lyrics that struck me so deeply as I wrote this:

Freedom, not just a thought.
The understanding of Your victory.
Freedom is purity, purity in victory.

Till the ground in me until it's ready (when I'm ready to give up my own glory)
Freedom not to be like everyone else, freedom, NOT to follow the crowd - but to be as unique as I was created.

There is so much more on my heart concerning this...I can't even put it into the right words...but I feel like this is so important! I wish I'd understood before! Maybe everyone else already does, and somehow I missed it!

He Answers!

2007-02-07T12:51:00.000-08:00

Thanks for praying for me...I think that God has really allowed me to see the light on this one, and also pointed me to a greater truth. I had taken on way too much that was not mine, but in stepping back, I can now move forward with HIM as my goal and not my own glory. There's a Jason Upton song that says, "I'm so tired of my hands in the way." That's how I feel. Now that I've let go of this "thing" I pray that God would continue to work in this person's life and show this person a way out. Maybe there has to come a breaking point. It's so funny that my post before this mess was about how we, as Christians, cannot do anything on our own - it has to be God, we simply cannot. And, if we cannot fix ourselves, how in the world do we think we can fix someone else? I guess I don't even listen to my own thoughts!!! So, God. Come in...remove everything that hinders our path to You...especially my own silly pride.

Special Unspoken

2007-02-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore, but if you do...I could use a lot of prayer. I really need direction from the Lord right now about something - a touchy situation, regarding a person who really needs help. I am concerned about the safety of my own family at times (though not overly concerned, just thinking about possible outcomes), and considering the hopeless ending. I am losing hope for this person way too early. I just need to hear from God right now, I need to know how to respond and what to do/say.

Letting Go

2007-02-03T10:53:00.000-08:00

I think it's hard, as a Christian, to realize that our only real responsibility is to say yes to God continually. It is hard to believe that we cannot do anything apart from God, though His word tells us so. It is hard to think that we can't change ourselves, in our own strength. I always try to fix myself, I always try to hold onto things that are not mine, thinking that somehow I know better than God. Surely this is how He would have me do it...

It's not that God calls us to sit around all day and not DO anything, but I think more often than not, we do a lot of things that He hasn't called us to do...or we try to do the things HE wants to do in our hearts. Poverty of Spirit comes when we realize that we cannot. We simply cannot, apart from Him. We may be able to bandage and cover up, but the truth of what is underneath will always bring us back to Him, because we were designed that way.

We live in a do-it-yourself culture, a culture that rates our success on what we have done and if we've doen it the "right" way. We have to accomplish, have to show hard results, have to prove our worth in something concrete. It's so hard for me that this is not God's way. The thing that He has called us to, is to be in tune with His heart, to respond to Him, to wait for His lead and then follow...to ALLOW Him to lead, to open ourselves to Him, to LET Him come in and fix...to let go of the controls we have on our own lives...Respond to His love...we respond to the beating of His heart, not resisting Him by taking the reins. I am struggling with this right now...it's like giving up my own power over my life. It's easy to say, not so easy to do.

How can we be responsible for what we know, and yet...I can't put into words what I'm feeling...yet, not try to fix it when we think we know how. Oh well... :)

Like A Loser

2007-02-02T09:25:00.000-08:00

...that is how I'm feeling at the moment. It all started with an e-mail from a friend. I'm not sure we are even still friends. I mean, we are friends, but not like we used to be, and that is part of my problem. The e-mail was about another friend we went to school with, and contained a whole conversation that had been going on between the two of them - their lives - jobs, boyfriends, weight loss, new oportunites, etc... I felt so out of the loop, so far removed.

I was bombarded with the fullness of their lives and all that they are doing, and in turn had to examine my own life. Wow. I am such a boring person! I live in a teeny tiny town that doesn't even have a movie theater or a coffee shop. I stay at home with my 14 month old little girl. Sometimes I venture out to the nursing home for devotionals, and I attend a Bible study...sometimes I go to lunch with a friend, sometimes I get out of town to buy real organic groceries. Right now the wind chill is minus 8, so we are not even able to really get outside to play!!! Even the thought of playing outside with Mayah probably sounds rediculous compared to the lives that my old friends are leading...climbing the career ladder to success. A few weeks ago I got an e-mail inviting me to a weekend in Las Vegas with all my college sisters...things like that are not even an option anymore.

It was such a shocker when we moved here from Minneapolis, but the Lord had called us to a life set apart...what better place? I quit my job when Mayah was born, we moved 3 weeks later to Nowhere, NE.....I had been praying that I would have time to just BE, to know God, to settle in and get quiet with Him, to be able to minister to Him. He has indeed answered my prayers. But, I can't help but be envious of the friendships I may no longer have...of how different my friends lives are from mine. I can't help but miss going out for a nice dinner, having a glass of wine with friends...just someone to talk to in person who is a LITTLE bit like me...but there is no one HERE. This is definitely not the place I am going to be able to pursue my own career (if I had one...). Today...this feeling causes me to ask again, what do You have in store for me, God? Am I going to do great things? Will I make a difference in someone's life?

Love This Song

2007-01-25T12:20:00.000-08:00

I bought this cd - Sarah Groves, All Right Here - because I'm supposed to be singing a song on it on some soon Saturday, and I have only heard the song twice...and I'm really nervous...but this is the first song on the CD (different than the one I may sing), and it's called Less Like Scars. It really fits the last few years of digging up the ugly stuff and replacing the pain with hope...though a lot of times I have to wait and wait and wait...at least there's hope now that He's picking up the pieces. Here are the lyrics, but you can actually listen to a piece of it at http://www.saragroves.com/store.asp

It's been a hard year • But I'm climbing out of the rubble • These lessons are hard • Healing changes are subtle • But every day it's... • Less like tearing more like building • Less like captive more like willing • Less like breakdown more like surrender • Less like haunting more like remember • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars and more like character • • Less like a prison a prison more like my room • Less like a casket more like a womb • Less like dying more like transcending • Less like fear, less like an ending • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • • Just a little while ago • I couldn't feel the power or the hope • I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing • Just a little while back • I was desperate, broken, laid out • Hoping you would come • • And I need you • And I want you here • And I feel you... • • And I feel you here • And you're picking up the pieces • Forever faithful • It seemed out of my hands a bad situation • But you are able • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And in your hands the pain and hurt • look less like scars • And more like character • •

Longing

2007-01-24T09:54:00.000-08:00

There is a gap between You and I...between all that You've called me to be, created me to do.
I long to minister to You, to love You with abandon.

The longing grows stronger and stronger, and I ache to know You more.
I ache for the space between us to be sealed up.
I so want to offer up every part of me, to lavish upon You the ocean of love that roars deep inside of me.

But this thing, this human woundedness, my flesh, it causes me to hold back.
It causes me to withhold my trust.
I cease to rest in You, and I defy that which my heart dreams of.

There is a place inside me that is bursting at the seams with zeal for Your house.
I want to fly freely, stepping boldly and faithfully out of my cage, but my fear keeps me safely on the ground.

Jesus make me whole.
Change me.

I want to be like the one You danced for, before the Father, when You were planning me.
Just like her...

On a Lighter Note

2007-01-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

Our little Mayah's bedroom is upstairs right next to the bathroom. She is a really light sleeper. Friday right after I put her down for her nap (YES! She finally took one!!) I went to the bathroom - I have to tell you this detail, and you will see why later on in this post - it was #1. I didn't flush because it wakes her up...Oh, and I didn't close the lid to the toilet.

I went downstairs and went about my business forgetting all about it, and when Mayah woke up, I went and got her out of her crib and let her play on the floor. I put the baby gate up, so I could work on the computer for a few minutes. But...after a while, I didn't hear anything. And, any parent can tell you, that when it gets quiet, we're probably in for a suprise.

Mayah was in the bathroom...she has pulled the toilet paper out of the toilet and was eating it!!!!! Yes...the toilet I had used and not flushed!!!!! GROSS! She was just chomping away with the biggest grin on her wet, pee-covered little face. I brushed her teeth, and washed her hands, and now am just hoping for the best!

I hope I remember this so I can embarass her later!!!

2007-01-19T13:21:00.000-08:00

I started taking notes on a teaching by Gary and Marie Wiens on Hope Deferred, and it turned into a prayer, that has really been my heart's cry to the Lord for the last 5 years regarding my own heart healing. Here's everything...not because I'm seeking advice or sympathy, but because I am trying to be more transparent, to give others permission to be so. I didn't even touch the teaching in this post - which, by the way, is really really good...if anyone's interested: www.bhmkc.com (burning heart ministries kansas city)

Notes:

Hope Deferred Due to Disappointment:

He takes our Pain and disappointment. He is also the redeemer of our grief.

Hope deferred makes a heart sick - Proverbs 13:12
When we feel like God's promises to us are not being fulfilled...we become discouraged, thinking that our prayres are not enough, we're doing something wrong, or something's wrong with God. Staying in the place of disappointment causes a block of faith, an inability to accept the next blessing...God longs for our honesty, and longs to bring His peace - even if there is no explanation for what happened or what didn't happen...

Prayer:

Lord, the expectation of normalcy...normal childhood...it was blown apart. Lord, my disappointment was the death of my mom. I've carried this with me for 17 years. I've lived 17 years without her. My heart has been affected in such a way by disappointment that it has blocked my faith. Father, I've asked for a heart healing, for healing of memories, to be relieved of my anger towards You. God, I've been crying out for 5 years at least...My disappointment has turned to anger - I confess my bitterness God. My hope, to be made whole in this area, has been deferred, if not lost all together. It makes me feel like something's wrong with me and something must be wrong with You. Like You've handed me this lot in life and that's that! I am past the point of heart sickness. My faith waivers daily...I expect, Lord, that You won't answer me. How long must I wait, O God, for You to answer me?

Psalm 13 "How long will you forget me, O Lord? Forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I lay up cares within me and have sorrow in my heart day after day? How long shall my enemy exalt himself over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord, my God! Lighten the eyes of my faith to behold Your face in the pitchlike darkness, lest I sleep the sleep of death!" Give me some understanding!!!

How long can I wage this violent war, choosing to trust? I don't want to abandon what I know just because today those things seem untrue. I confess I have assigned to You things that are not of Your character...but my heart continues to deceive me, Lord. This is how I deal with the anguish of my broken heart. It is sick, truly.

Lord, where were You on that day? How many times have I asked You this? How long must I wait for Your answer? I don't have a clue what to do with this heart of mine, with my waivering faith. I know enough to know that I can't. I can't fix me and regenerate me, so I cry out to You. Why do You delay in Your regeneration of me? My soul argues with my spirit because the evidence of my heartache seems so strong compared to the truth of Who You are sometimes....

It is a daily struggle, God...to choose to believe that someday I will have peace, someday I will understand, someday You will show me why and how and it will be worth it. Even if there is no understanding, Father, I so long for peace...I long for a time that every area of my life is not stirred with the ingredients of my anger towards You...I want to be able to open ALL of me up to You, I want to trust You with everything...I want to truly rest in You.

2007-01-11T11:21:00.000-08:00

This Christmas was pretty rough...it was good, but the Lord allowed me to see a lot of the yucky stuff that is still hiding in the dark recesses of my heart and in the hearts of those I love. Most obvious were the wounds we hold onto like life preservers, thinking that if we allow someone to see them or know us in that place, we would surely die...unfortunately we hide these things also from the only One who can really heal us, our Father Physician.

As I prayed through the rough times, the Lord impressed upon me over and over Hosea 6:6
"For I delight in mercy, dutiful, steadfast love and goodness, not sacrifice, and the knowledge of God and acquaintance with Him more than burnt offerings." Amplified

I saw it all around me and in me: We somehow misunderstand that the call of our lives is to be sacrificing things that God doesn't even care about...we give up this and that, we live in a constant tone of sacrifice, poor perpetual grief, as though we are truly giving God what He wants when we haven't even bothered to ask Him what He wants.

So surrounded by stuff, busyness, and tension, I couldn't grasp the fullness of what the Lord was showing me. After I got home, and was able to spend some time asking Him what was on His heart, He kept pointing me to Isaiah 1.

v3-6 "The ox knows his owner, and the donkey his master's crib, but Israel does not know or recognize Me as Lord, My people do not consider or understand. Ah, sinful nation, a people loaded with iniquity, offspring of evildoers, sons who deal corruptly! They have forsaken the Lord, they have despised and shown contempt and provoked the Holy One of Israel to anger; they have become utterly estranged and alienated. Why should you be stricken and punished any more since it brings no correction? You will revolt even more and more. The whole head is sick, and the whole heart is faint, feeble, sick, and nauseated. From the sole of the foot even to the head there is no soundness or health in the body - but wounds and bruises and fresh and bleeding stripes; they have not been pressed out and closed up or bound up or softened with oil. No one has troubled to seek a remedy. "

They are acting out their sin, which is a result of wounds and bruises, and because they do not even consider God any more, they have not thought to bring these wounds to Him, the only One who can bring healing. In His mercy, He is saying, "Don't you see? I know your sin nature, and I am the only One who can fix it, the One you need, and I am waiting for you to come to Me, but you have forgotten me. " The result is a breakdown of the entire nation, the land is devoured, strangers have been allowed to come in and take over. In the midst of the breakdown, the Israelites are still keeping the bare minimum requirements to God, as if somehow going through the motions makes their neglect okay. God's response to them is this:

v11-14 "To what purpose is the multitude of your sacrifices to Me unless they are the offerings of the heart? " says the Lord. "I have had enough of the burnt offerings of rams and the fat of fed beasts without obedience; and I do not delight in the blood of bulls or of lambs or of he-goats without righteousness. When you appear before Me, who requires of you that your unholy feet trample My courts? Bring no more offerings of vanity, emptiness, falsity, vainglory, and futility. Your hollow offering of incense is an abomination to Me; the New Moons and Sabbaths, the calling of assemblies, I cannot endure - it is iniquity and profanation, even the solemn meeting is. Your New Moon festivals and your hypocritical appointed feasts My soul hates. They are an opressive burden to Me; I am weary of bearing them."

Pretty rough words...but at the same time, pretty heart wrenching. He is so desperately in love with them...He knows their hurts, longs to heal them, yet they turn away and pretend that He doesn't know. They try to fool God, pretending to worship Him...the King who has set them free...and so to draw their attention back to them, His response is to tell them the truth of what they do, what they already know He knows. He pulls the veil off of their cover up.

There is a pretty phenomenal parallel between this story of so long ago, and what is happening today in some churches and homes, no doubt, I am not innocent. So many of us walk around carrying our wounds, gaping and bleeding, right in front of us, almost as a warning to those who come near. We have not truly offered up all of our ugly, filthy wounded bleeding hearts to the only One who can really fix it for good. Our wounds fester and infect the whole of us - getting in the way of who God made us to be. He wants us to come to Him for the oil that softens and heals and binds up our wounded souls, so that we can be the bearers of mercy.

We so often go through the motions as the "law" requires, but the law was not set into place for the sake of motion. Like zombies we operate, going through the motions of life, even going to church, but this is not what was intended. It dishonors Him that we would "fake it," when we know He knows the difference. It saddens Him when we operate out of our woundedness and create other wounds for those we interact with...feeling like it's such a burden, a huge sacrifice on our part to do the right thing, when all He wants is our hearts to be true. He wants us to hold them out to Him so that He can melt them and mold them into what He dreamed before He even saw our faces...lovers of mercy, having compassion on those around us. Letting our walls fall down to allow us to offer our genuine love to someone who needs it....taking a few hours a day to KNOW God, know His heart instead of making the sacrifice to do church the right way all of the time, to work all of the time, or whatever other burdens you carry.

"For I desire mercy and not sacrifice; and the knowledge of God more than burnt offerings." Hosea 6:6

RELIGIOSITY

2007-01-06T15:29:00.000-08:00

If man controls every part of worship, community, preaching, and man discriminates and dictates to those who have made themselves vulnerable to hear Jesus....where is there any room for God? I wonder what is on HIS heart....what would HE have us do or not do? He would have us be what He created us to be...an original, a "one and only" created by Him...one who doesn't look like and act like other Christians, because we were created to be different from everyone else in the whole world.

How do you look and judge other people? What are your standards? What are your motivations for the decisions you make?

I pray that mine would reflect what is on the heart of God...though my flesh is weak and I fail miserably at so many things...this is what I most want to be successful at....not being RELIGIOUS, and not fitting the world's mold of Christian.

Missing Minnesota...

2006-12-17T12:53:00.000-08:00

I am really longing to be back in Minneapolis today. I wish there was snow on the ground, or even some ice...I miss Bluer, and women's group. I miss my friends Patsy, Amy, Jen, Jamie...and the rest of you. I miss going to a church that is REAL even if the realness is not pretty, or even if it's beautiful...I miss seeing people who are NOT normal. I miss going to church with people who are not normal according to society, yet they don't care and are not trying to meet society's standards...I miss sitting on a couch with a coffee table to put my feet upon in church. I miss candles and techno worship music...I miss impromptu gatherings at Bryan and Jamie's after church or on a Friday night...I miss good chinese food...good italian food...good grocery stores - well, ones that don't sell outdated dairy and meat. I miss praying together, sharing what's REALLY going on inside, what God's doing in our lives...I miss being able to just journal during church if God is doing something in me outside of the service...crying without everyone thinking I'm a nut...I miss being around people who are not constantly trying to be the world's version of perfect. I miss busy streets and city lights. I miss going out to dinner with Amy...I miss my friend Joyce at work cracking jokes that are not that funny, but because she laughs, they are hilarious...I miss Minneapolis...I miss the crazy lady that used to come in the office and cuss like she had terret's ( i have no idea how to spell that), and then talk about her birds and her hair while she was ringing the bell on the counter a million times loudly...I am really...truly...missing Minnesota.

Burden of Revival and Healing of the Land

2006-12-16T08:59:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, the Lord very loudly and clearly began to show me one of the reasons why Luke and I are in Falls City. I'm going to try to explain it here, but there is so much that it may be confusing or convoluted...

II Chronicles 7:14 says, "If My people, who are called by My name, shall humble themselves and pray, seek, crave, and require of necessity My face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven, forgive their sin, and heal their land."

A few months ago, the Lord began to impress upon me that the harvest cannot go forth until there is a spirit of repentence that falls on certain areas of land that have been defiled, land that has been sinned against, and land that needs to be cleansed by God in order to produce fruit to be harvested. It was during harvest here...so, harvest was on my mind, and I didn't really think much of it.

I am attending a Beth Moore Bible study with some ladies I have become friends with..a couple of us missed a meeting and I offered my home in which to watch the missed DVD. We never even watched the DVD. It was evident that the Lord had other things on His heart for us! I was a bystander in the conversation - little did I know the Lord had orchestrated every word spoken. The women began to talk about the history of our town, the current economic and spiritual oppression that lies heavy all around this area. Some things they were not sure of - rumors, legends, etc.., but none of it was good. God had been working in both of their hearts, calling them out into intercession for this town, and He had given a specific word regarding the fame of this place - the opportunity to be well known for miraculous healings in the name of Jesus, a place of revival and refuge.

After the women left, there was an urgency in my spirit, a need to act, to commune with the Lord, to find out what was on His heart. I just felt like there was a really important reason I was hearing what I heard...so I began to do a little bit of research on my own about this area...and found out a few things:
1. Falls City used to be located south of where it is now, on a river...the "Falls" were man-made. There was a horrible flood that caused the town to be moved. I am not sure how big the river was back then, but it's pretty small now.

2. French trappers infiltrated the land, which was primarily occupied by Native American tribes. The trappers were accustomed to stealing and raping the Native American women. Many became pregnant and there was formed an entity in itself called the "half-breed." Their own town, cemetery, etc..they were scorned.

3. There was a struggle for county seat between Falls City and another town called Salem, and the circumstances were so cloudy in all accounts that I read, but it seems as if Falls City won the county seat unfairly and unethically. There were people killed over it.

4. The number of child deaths here is unusually high considering the small population, it is one of the poorest counties in Nebraska, with a very very high rate of child abuse, and drug abuse.

5. The Native American tribes in this area practiced religion that called for them to sacrifice their children to gods for rain, provision, etc..

6. There is a legend about how the town was founded - on stolen gold. The legend goes, that the man/men who stole the gold kept it in a covered wagon for a long time in barn on his property south of town...the barn was a place where parties and town dances used to be held suring the summer...now (and this part is true) the barn has burned down 4 times, and every person who has lived in the house on that property has filed for bankruptcy.

There are a number of other "legends," but who knows if they are true or not. Of primary importance is that there were definitely sins committed against the land and the Native Americans on it and by the Native Americans.

After discovering some of the town/area history, I felt the most intense attack of the enemy I've ever felt. I was so afraid. I was alone at home (well, Mayah was sleeping), and literally every time I would shut my eyes, I would see things coming for me. I knew that the Lord had allowed me to see something that the enemy did not want me to see, did not want messed with. I called my aunt Vicki and she prayed with me over the phone...I wish I could describe better the attack I was under...but the Lord instructed me to consecrate my house, to mark off the boundaries of our property by taking and actually planting communion on the four corner boundary markers. Can you imagine how crazy my neighbors must have thought I was? hehehe....After taking communion, I prayed over every entrance to our home, and marked our doorposts with comunion wine as the Lord instructed the Israelites to do so that the spirit of death would pass over them. I was even thinking I was crazy at this point, but I was so afraid I had no choice but to follow God's leading.

Vicki had given me Psalm 91 to pray over Falls City, and as I was seeking the Lord - asking Him what was going on and what was I supposed to do? Was this a can of worms that I was to put the lid back on? The first verse of the Psalm is: "He who dwells in the secret place of the most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty whose power no foe can withstand." So I asked Him - where is the secret place for me? And He revealed to me exactly where it is, and how to remain fixed and stable in that place under the shadow of His wing...
I asked God to show me how to pray, what to pray for if He has called me to praying for Falls City, and into a battle that was clearly too much for little ol' me on my own.

For those of you who know me, I believe that we are to be preparing the way for the second coming, and I believe that it will be soon. I also believe that there will not be a "rapture" before the tribulation, and that we are called to stand in a time of trouble, and that there are going to be places that the Lord has set apart as cities of refuge or lands of refuge - just like he did for Israel before He led them out of Egypt. So, finally the puzzle pieces were starting to fit! In my Bible, next to Psalm 91, I have written "for cities of refuge." So, I started to wonder if this little town has been set apart by God as a city of refuge, but needs to be prepared for that time, by being cleansed and healed by those of us here who are Christians. God is asking for us to stand in the place of sinners past and repent on behalf of the founding fathers and trappers, etc..and He is asking us to ask Him to come in and plant new seeds of life, of His life, of His truth light that illumines that which has been hidden for so long in the darkness.

That night, I was woken up by 3 dreams - sort of dreams...it was like I was having a conversation, not a dream really, but then three things were revealed through the conversation:
1. The rape of NA women which results in the 'half-breed.'
2. The sacrificing of children to gods for rain - this is an offering to Molech, worshipping Molech.
3. During a great flood, evil was spread throughout the land

I feel like these are the specific sins that allowed the enemy to gain a very strong foothold, that opened the door for principalities to set up camp here, and now God is taking His land back.

As I was praying, this is what the Lord gave me:

"Violently ripping out root and seed of evil planted in this land. You are angry that life has been stolen from Your people, and vengeance is Yours. Ripping out demonic oppression, seeds of doubt, fear, cowardice, thievery. You are cleansing, stripping the land of innocent blood and evil seed poured upon it. Digging up, ripping up...tilling the ground, till the ground again, preparing it for seeds of life, truth, light, fertilizing the ground, pouring in, pouring in Your Word and Your healing salve."

I have no idea what God has in store for the upcoming months. I don't know if I am to begin to pray for Him to heal this land and to bring about His harvest, and then someone else will continue to do this after we move, or if the Lord will cause the spirit of repentence to fall upon the people here during the 150th birthday worship gathering this year...I don't know when Jesus is coming back, or if we are in the midst of the birthpangs...but I want to be faithful, I want to be standing with Him, not swept away with the wicked, not disillusioned. I don't have the slightest idea how to stand in repentence for generations past or how to pray for the cleansing of the land. I am really at a loss, and am waiting on the Lord to show me what's next. If you think of me or this little town of Falls City, please pray for God's will and that His truth would be known to those whom He has called.

New Church Adventures

2006-12-06T14:26:00.000-08:00

Our church decided to begin a new service on Saturday nights in order to reach the younger genration in our town...We are really excited because there is NOTHING here even remotely modern, and when we were looking for a church, we did not find one that we felt connected to, one that we could go to and really worship and feel accepted and be excited about. What they want to do reminds me of Bluer, our beloved Vineyard/Emergent church in Minneapolis. They are planning on having an actual coffee shop after the service, and they want to decorate with art, old couches, coffee tables, lamps, candles, etc... Interestingly, they've asked me to SING in the worship band!!! This is interesting because I don't sing. I have never really sang in front of people other than when I was little in Christmas programs, and I have never had a desire to do so...I mean, I can carry a tune, but it's just not something people would prefer to listen to!!! I'm going to give it a try. I've gone to the first "band practice," and it was a little bit intimidating...I just stood there, still, nervous, in front of this microphone...trying to sing. And then it came, I could sing, but I still couldn't move. I am concerned. I have a problem, an historic problem with performance, and I dont want to be more nervous-more concerned about what I look like to the audience/church, than about what I am actually doing, which is worshipping my King...and I LOVE worship. We'll see how this goes. I am excited about the new service though...I know that the young people in this town need a place they can go on the weekends - right now they hang out at the grocery store. Or doing drugs at someone's house. Seriously! I hope that this is REAL, not a staged effort, but REALLY extending the heart, the love of Jesus to those who so desperately need Him, like me.

Mayah's First Birthday

2006-12-03T07:50:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Mayah's first birthday while we were in Texas for Thanksgiving. She was really shy about her cake. I think we are going to have to practice opening presents before Christmas! It was so much fun...I can't believe she is a year old...I've been a mom for one year!

Didn't Used To Be Nowhere, Nebraska

2006-11-17T19:47:00.000-08:00

So, I have been doing a little bit of research on the town I live in, and I found out that it used to be a booming metropolis-in-the-making. It was a railroad hub and had all kinds of larger businesses/factories until somehow (I'm not quite sure how this works yet) the city set a wage cap! I've never heard of a wage cap for an entire town before...but obviously the folks around here didn't catch on that this was a bad idea until it was too late. I don't think that there is still a wage cap, but I haven't found anyone who knows. Evidence of a cap may be that we took our car in for a new back end and didn't get it back until 3.5 weeks later. Yes, Luke backed into a pole on our first night out without Mayah. Anyhoo....I was thinking that if there was no potential to make any more money I wouldn't really put a lot of time or effort into my job either! That sounds terrible...maybe I should say that I would work really hard at whatever job I had even if I wasn't getting paid at all :) Hey wait a minute - I'm doing the hardest job I've ever had and I'm not getting paid...
Oh, and I have to add that I took our duvet and it's cover to the only cleaners in town, and I felt like I was time warped back to 1945, or I don't know - was there ever a time when cleanliness was out? Stacks of trash, empty boxes, newspapers, and I don't know what else lay scattered and stacked all up against the windows. If the duvet didn't smell like puke, I would've walked back out and never looked back. I guess they don't have to keep things up if there is no competition. That is kind of how everything here is...what's up with that? I don't know of any other place like this. Maybe everything just stayed the way things were when the wage cap was put into effect.
Going to bed...been up all night with puking Mayah...

A Divine Lullaby

2006-11-08T13:58:00.000-08:00

I have been having the hardest time getting Mayah to sleep lately. Mostly because she nurses to sleep and now has teeth...I don't think I need to elaborate on that. She is also still sick, but today the most AMAZING thing happened!!!

I was trying to get her to go down, and she was so upset - screaming and squirming - the whole bit. I had tried everything, even nursing her, and then I started singing Jesus - just singing His name. Immediately, she was quiet and still, and about 2 minutes later, she was out cold. The room had been cleared. It was as if whatever had been bothering her HAD to be gone, and in it's place His peace filled up every part of the room...

Oh! And then, my neighbor came over, and SHE DIDN'T RING THE DOORBELL. That helped a lot...I was about to put a sign up that said, "Please don't ring the bell in the afternoons," but somehow she got the clue!!! YAY! Thank You Lord :)

I am anxious to see if my new lullaby (or really HIS new lullaby) will work every time...hmmm. I may have stumbled upon something very very important here!

Mayah eating toilet paper

2006-11-04T06:29:00.000-08:00

Mayah!!!

2006-11-04T06:24:00.000-08:00

I think I've finally learned how to add pictures...Here are some of Mayah....You'll see her eating toilet paper. I thought I had put away everything she might get into...but never guessed she would actually eat the paper! She pulled an entire new roll off and began eating while I was in the shower!!!

2006-10-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

Anger that won't die,
Living to be rekindled,
Aiming at my Lover for revenge...
For rejecting me.
Though it was not even He who rejected me at all.

Who are you
Who has drawn me into the circle
Of deception and death?

Oh Jezebel, full of malice and anger,
You'll control me not...one day.
When all has been relinquished,
When my stiff fingers have been pried off,
And my whole life is truly HIS.

When will I learn?
When will I recognize
A lie from the pit?
A sword drawn to destroy
That which my Lover
Gave HIS life to rescue?

I see Your heart now.
How I've bruised it so,
And I don't understand.

How can You still want me?
I'm filthy and used.
I believed all the lies
She told me about You.

Truly I am the rejector,
Swarthy and mean.

Surely this robe is not meant for me.
It's too lovely and clean a garment
To be free.

Going Crazy, Baby!!!

2006-10-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

I have just forced myself to take a break. Mayah is moving at lightening speed back and forth across the room eating dust bunnies...her runny nose is so bad it's dripping on the floor. She is between crying and happy-screaming.
The Bible study that I am doing was on patience this past week - makrothumia - patience with people. That being said, let me tell you about the last 4 days. They have been filled with snotty noses, runny poop that escapes the diapers, and NO SLEEP. Add on top of that Luke's schedule for harvest has him getting off of work between 7-8:30 every night and working weekends. So, I am doing this as a single mom (I don't know how you guys do it!!!) I am about to LOSE CONTROL. I have to nurse Mayah to sleep...that is the only way she will go down unless she cries herself to sleep, and we are not into inhumane behavoir at this house...So, when I finally get her to sleep, unlatched...then almost to the crib...Whaaaa. She wakes up crying! No more sleeping through the night either, and no more naps...She is sick, and doesn't want me to put her down, so even when I do put her down, I am still tense because she is crying. I also just found the cap to her oragel in her last poopy diaper!!! At least I had a good laugh...
We've been to the doctor, who prescribed a sort of baby antihistamine - I was hoping it would knock her out like it does me, but it does the opposite, so it's kinda been Jeckel and Hyde around here for the past couple of hours: Super hyper happy crazy Mayah turns immediately into sad, cranky crying Mayah all in a matter of seconds...
Oh, to just walk out the door and not come back in for a few hours...
If anyone would like to offer humane advice on how to get Princess Mayah to sleep so that I can have a few minutes of sanity, please spill it forth!!! It could be life-saving material!

For All In Authority

2006-10-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

I believe we are being called to intense intercession for our nation at this time. God has commanded me to get on my face before Him in prayer for this nation, it's leaders, and the children of this nation.
http://www.facedown40.com/

Peacemaker or Peacekeeper?

2006-10-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God." Matt 5:9

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." Matt 10:34

I am one of those people who would like everyone to like me. I would like to keep the peace. I can't STAND for someone to be mad at me. Am I talking to you? Yeah...there are a lot of us! God has been speaking to my heart about false peace...the type that peacekeepers like me often create. It is deceiving...it's complicated...but there are often times when the Lord wants us to speak up, even if it will cause strife, even if it will end a relationship! Our flesh is often opposed to true peace. We have been deceived by the enemy into thinking that it's better to remain silent than to cause someone to be upset with us. In understanding that peace often times means picking up our own swords (cutting off a relationship, ending our involvement in something not ordained by God, etc..), we also have to accept that in order to MAKE peace we have to come under the authority of our Father...in order to speak with authority and confidence with righteousness and truth. Sometimes it is God who draws His sword to cut us off from that which we have no business doing...or a relationship which we have no business in.

Peace at any cost is not true peace. As Beth Moore would say, "If we are deceiving someone to keep the peace, it's not peace!!" I keep the peace out of fear of being rejected, fear of losing someone or something. It is a lack of obedience. I choose my flesh instead of coming under His authority. This has also been described as an "Ahab spirit." In the end, there is no peace this way...we always end up back where we started, struggling with the problem again instead of resting in His peace.

Born Without Fusion

2006-10-14T18:40:00.000-07:00

After a few months of severe back pain, I finally decided to go to a chiropractor...my apologies to all of you chiropractors out there, but I have always thought of you guys as strange neck popping quacks that make backs worse so that your patients will have to come back for more...
But, after my doctor didn't have a clue, and the pain was not subsiding, I went. The results? I just found out that my lowest vertebrae is not fused to the bone (pelvic? sacrum? no clue...) it's supposed to be fused to on my left side!!! Doc's guess was that I was born that way, and my body has grown to compensate...my spine is curvy and my 5th vertebrae is twisted outward so that one side is slightly lower than the other. Unfortunately, there is nothing the chiro can do except small adjustments (hmm). I had my first one yesterday. I had to lay down on my side and the chiro put all of his weight into contorting my body into cracking several times. It actually felt kinda good. Then, I got to stand on one of those machines that you start out standing on and then you end up laying on...it moves up and down..and I had little muscle - pulling electrode-type things attached to my lower back to stretch out the muscles. Does this sound like torture? On top of the electrode-type things was the largest heating pad known to man. It was pretty amazing...it actually felt really good. I will go back 2 more times and then I am on my own to build up ab and back muscles....

Jesus, Please Come Back

2006-10-02T06:46:00.000-07:00

If Jesus is waiting to return until there are none left who will turn to Him, the world is going to get pretty scary. There will be those who are His no matter what, who will stand with Him through anything, and then there will be those who are utterly opposed to Him and those who stand with Him. There is coming a day when there can be no in between...no fence riders, no luke-warmers. It will either be all or nothing...for Him or against Him completely. What a choice for some of us to make!!! It seems as if this situation is closing in on us, does it not? I am amazed at His patience, His compassion and desire for those who are dark, yet lovely to Him. All I have to do is turn on the tv for my spirit to groan for His return...I long for the day that justice will be served here on earth to those who would hurt children, yet He waits for them. If there is still a chance, He cannot come. I cannot explain this God I love, nor can I understand Him fully. But, I long for His return...The Spirit and the Bride say COME!!!!! The whole earth is groaning and waiting for His return, creation longs for it...yet, under these circumstances, do we dare ask Him to come?

A Great Book

2006-09-27T14:36:00.000-07:00

Basking in His Presence: A Call to the Prayer of Silence by Bill Volkman

This is the best book I've read in a long time - I highly recommend it. It's uplifting and practical and full of truth and wonderful insight. I love it.

He Is On The Move

2006-09-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

I just realized that in the past week, 7 people that I know personally have been led to the Lord, have become Christians in the sense that they have accepted what the cross has done for them, have come to believe in Jesus for their salvation. Wow! Coincidentally, harvest is about to begin here...

The Battle Zone

2006-09-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just sent this as an e-mail to a friend...as I realized that I am once again in a battle zone...not once again, but always. I guess I just forgot for a while that this is going on all around me and in my mind. :) We are called to fight the good fight, to put on the whole armor of God, to deflect the lies of the enemy, to send him home with his tail between his legs when we remind him that he's already lost the battle....

I just wanted to share with you that about a week ago, I read this chapter (Captivating, by Eldridge). Since then, the Lord has been diligently showing me the ways that I am believing the lies of the enemy, even in my relationship with HIM. I am the one who "doesn't speak" AND who "doesn't have anything to offer." The enemy has told me that I have yet to suffer the consequences of my sin, lying even about my own redemption...as if JESUS were not enough, as if His death can't even begin to cover MY sins....

It is true that you have to make a choice WHO to believe every day, and even if you are seeking the Lord, that doesn't mean that satan won't continue the onslaught. I have also been listening to Beth Moore's "Breaking Free," which is teaching me that I can stand in the blessings He has given, and it has come as some encouragement to know that women all over the world are oppressed also. So I'm NOT the only one...as satan would have me believe.

I think the reason why I am so drawn to IHOP KC is because of the truth (their gifting is impartation) that they are continously shouting - that HE LIKES ME!!! My dearest aunt Vicki has spoken this over me several times in the past couple of weeks. We know God loves us - He loves the whole world, as John 3:16 says, but He doesn't LIKE the whole world. In fact, there is much to detest of the state of the world presently...but HE LIKES His children, those who have chosen Him, even if they are so faulty...I can't turn away from that, because it builds my faith, builds my courage to follow after my lover...after all...a marriage is hard enough with just love..but when you truly LIKE your spouse, it's actually enjoyable. It's fun, it's good. And as I've prayed Eph 6 - putting on the WHOLE armor of God - I've asked - what really is Your truth? I need to know what the truth is about me and about you, otherwise I cannot gird myself with it!! And, He has answered that He likes me. Satan would take that away (and has) daily...but for now, I'm trying to remember the truth and forget the lies.

I have written several times about how He likes me even in my weakness...about the truths He has spoken to my heart about who I am and what He feels about me, but I seem to forget. It's not even really that I forget, but satan would lie and lie and lie and lie until the truth seems far off and unbelievable. Don't you hate him? Thankfully Jesus has already won the victory, and is longing to teach us that also. Lord, give me the strength to escape the snare. Give me discernment and open my eyes to the difference between YOUR truth and satan's lies.

Paradigm Blow Up

2006-08-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

I feel like an idiot. I'm not being pessimistic, though it may seem so. Just trying to digest. I just realized that things are never going to be perfect. They can't ever be. I have always thought that if this one area, or this one thing can change or be healed, that things will be right. BUT, because of our sin nature, because we were born into imperfection, we will always struggle. There will always be something to improve upon, something will always hurt, someone will always sin against me and I will always have sinned against someone in some way or another because as hard as I try, or as desperately as Jesus wants me to be like Him, I am not. I may get closer and closer...I may discover what works better, He may come in and heal those old wounds, but there will always be something that keeps us coming back to Him for more of that healing or teaching. I HATE THAT. I really really do (not the coming back to Him part...). I feel like I'm grieving, my whole outlook on life has changed. It's GOOD that we can always go to Him...but it's hard to swallow that life won't ever be easy. And people who make it seem so are frauds. This is probably so old hat to most folks, but the lightbulb just went on in my head....I have had glimpses of perfection or moments of peace and rest...but until we see Him clearly - Face to face - we will be imperfect. I was raised to be a perfectionist.

2006-08-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

THE HEM IS TOO SHORT AND THE DARTS ARE TOO TIGHT. I AM HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING, GOD.

His Garden

2006-06-17T05:40:00.000-07:00

Over and over I've asked God to remove the things that get in the way of our love. I've asked that He would give me the strength to escape the snare...even when I'm my own enemy. I've said, "I'll go with you to the Mt of Myrrh, to the hill of frankincense, even if it's rocky and steep...Because I live only to see Your face..."

I forget though, when amidst the north winds, that I've told Him I'll go. I forget all too often that He has said to me that even in my weakness, I am still lovely. I forget that His ways are not mine...and that it is HE who has to reveal Himself to ME. I cannot do anything lest it be for He who created me. For I am nothing without Him.

SOS 3 says, "In the night I dreamed that I sought the one whom I love. I looked for him but could not find him. So I decided to go out into the city streets and broad ways which are confusing to a girl, and seek him whom my soul loves. I sought him but I could not find him."

Too often I feel like this...but I forget that this passage says of Solomon's lover (the Shullamite) that she is still earnest, she's looking for Him, she still knows that she is a lover of God. She has said she'll go with him to the MT but instead she goes to the city...she wants to do it her way.

Although I have it all wrong, I am still a lover of God...I have said that I'll open my heart to Him in the middle of the winds, I'll say yes. I've said that even when He's breaking me, I will say yes. He has taken me at my word.

SOS 4:16 is a turning point in the Shullamite's life. She shifts her focus from her inheritance in Jesus, to His inheritance in her.

"You have called me a garden, she said. Oh, how I pray that the cold north wind (hard times) and the soft south winds would blow upon my garden, that it's spices may spread out in abundance for you in whom my soul delights. Let my beloved come into his garden and eat its choicest fruits."

She is saying that she wants to do whatever God wants her to do. She wants to be used by Him. She wants the things He has done in her life to flow out of her so that others may see and inquire, that she may tell them of what He has done.

Is my garden His? I keep asking myself this...

Lately, as I have longed for His presence, but it seems as if He has lifted it...I have felt the desperation of lovesickness. I did not realize that this is what was going on until someone told me so. Then I remembered that it is not I who reveals God to me, it is He...and I have been asking for a revelation, begging for His presence: What, O God, are you doing in my life? Why, O God, do you have us here? Nowhere? Why are we so stretched? Things that we are used to, we no longer have. Was it better before You, God? Before I fell in love? Before I knew how You can satisfy more than the wines of the world? I can live without the stuff, without friends even, but You I cannot live without. I need to feel You again!!! Can't You see?
There is a song that I've been listening to (the answer has been all around me, but I did not see). There is a line in the song that goes like this: "God is a lover - a jealous, jealous lover, and He's in love with me. Whoa to the enemy. Even if that enemy is me. He's hedged me in with thorns all around me..."

He will have me. He has taken my "yes" to Him very seriously.

In His absence, I am lovesick. God - I can do without all of those "things" if you would but come and quench this thirst, come and take me out of the desert place.

I live only to see Your face, God...so shine on me...

And He answers me... "I have come into my garden, my sister my bride. I have gathered my myrrh with my balsam and spice I have eaten my honeycomb. I have drunk the wine with my milk. Eat, O friends, feast on O revelers of the palace; you can never make my lover disloyal to me!!!" SOS 5:1

And so, even in my weakness, in the midst of my failure...I am lovely to Him. A garden enclosed and barred, a spring shut up, a fountain sealed.

Intifada, Part III

2006-05-23T13:05:00.000-07:00

Intifada, Part III (excerpts from ch 8 of "From Iraq to Armageddon," by Intrator)

What's It All About?

"The terrorist attacks of fundamentalist Islam are aimed at three targets primarily: the United States, Israel, and Christian missionaries. The United States is considered the most Christian nation on earth. Israel is the homeland of the Jews. Missionaries help spread the gospel in non-Christian areas. What is the common denominator?

The link between the three is the Second Coming. Yeshua will return soon to set up His kingdom on earth. The place where He will do this is Jerusalem.

Terrorist attacks are not normal; they are inhuman. An evil spiritual force propels them. Terrorist attacks are certainly demonically inspired. But what is the devil's goal in these attacks? What is the purpose of satan in focusing these attacks on Israel and the Christian world?

It is to try to stop the second coming of Yeshua. That's what the devil is afraid of. Why? Because at Yeshua's return, the devil will be thrown into the abyss. It is his end and he knows it.
Revelation 20:1-3
I saw an angel coming down from heaven, having the key to the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand.

He laid hold of the dragon, that serpent of old, who is the Devil and Satan, and bound him for a thousand years;

And he cast him into the bottomless pit, and shut him up, and set a seal on him, so that he should deceive the nations no more till the thousand years were finished...

This is what scares satan. The primary concern of the devil is not that people will become believers in Yeshua and go to heaven. Let them go. He still rules on the earth. He is interested in protecting his turf on this planet. He wants to stop the return of Yeshua, which spells his defeat. All evil in the world is focused on one thing: stopping the Second Coming.

And the place on earth that Yeshua will return to is Israel. If there is no Israel, there is no Second Coming. Yeshua's return to Israel does not mean a return to an empty desert, but to a restored nation of Israel, a Jewish homeland after the two-thousand year punishment of exile.

He is not coming to an Islamic nation of "Palestine." He is coming back as King of the Jews to His people. From there He will reign. That's why above the cross it was written, "King of the Jews." Even while being crucified, Yeshua promised that He would return as King of the Jews. That sign above His head was a prophecy of His second coming. It was an eternal statement of His identity and authority.

Israel is the Holy Land not because it is the place where Jesus walked two millenia ago. It is the Holy Land because it is where He will walk in the Millenium when He returns. It is not a coincidence that bin Laden's primary reason for attacking America, as he has announced several times on video, is that the United States dares to support Israel's occupation of "Islamic Holy Land." The purpose of terrorism against America is to scare Americans away from standing with Israel.

If Israel is Islamic Holy Land, then Yeshua cannot come back, and the devil will not be destroyed. The devil is fighting to save his own skin. The connection between Yeshua and Jerusalem is what will destroy him. That is the purpose behind Islamic terror, just as it was the purpose behind the Nazi holocaust. If Israel is a secular atheist country that hates God, or a country controlled by a rabbinic Judaism that hates Yeshua, then the Second Coming is likewise thwarted."

Stay tuned for the "The Three Enemies."

Intifada Part II

2006-05-19T11:18:00.000-07:00

What Arafat Sees (From Iraq to Armageddon by Intrator)

Part II of excerpts from Chapter 8. See previous post for Part I

"How could it have been that Arafat turned down Barak's peace offer? Why did he declare an Intifada war against Israel, which would wreak such damage on his own people? Why did he reject Israel's offer of a cease-fire when Sharon was first elected? Why did he refuse to take a stand against terrorism after the World Trade Center disaster? Why has he used international donations to foster the culture of suicide terrorism instead of seeking to improve his people's socio-economic condition?

Do Arafat and the leaders of the Islamic terrorist groups, like Hamas, Jihad, and Hizbollah see something we don't see?

Arafat believes that millions of Muslims worldwide will stand with him in a Jihad to "liberate" the "holy land" of "Palestine." He believes that through propaganda and media, he can persuade the European community and most of the "third-world" nations either to support him, or at least to raise no objection. He believes that American society and the international Christian community, while sympathizing with Israel, will be neutralized through cowardice, indecision, or passivity. He believes that the pluralistic, democratic society in Israel will be divided against itself and unable to stand.

In short, he sees more in his favor than against him. He believes he can win this Jihad against Israel. To a certain degree, he is correct.

Zechariah 14:2 I will gather all the nations to battle against Jerusalem; the city shall be
taken, the houses rifled, and the women raped...

Yes, according to the Bible, the combined Islamic Jihad and the United Nations attack against Israel will win. Let's look at the balance of power. Israel is stronger than the Palestinians. However, the Islamic nations together with the Palestinians are stronger than Israel. The United States together with Israel are stronger than the Islamic nations with the Palestinians. However, the coalition of the United Nations and the Islamic nations are stronger than Israel and the United States. That's part of what Arafat sees. That's why he sees himself as the victor.

While Arafat sees the victory of that great apocolyptic Jihad and international coalition against Israel, there is another part he does not see.

Zechariah 14:3-4a, 12
Then the Lord will go forth and fight against those nations, as He fights in the day of battle.
And in that day His feet will stand on the Mount of Olives.
And this shall be the plague with which the Lord will strike all the peole who fought against Jerusalem; their flesh shall dissolve while they stand on their feet, their eyes shall dissolve in their sockets, and their tongues shall dissolve in their mouths.

The victory of the combined forces against Israel will be short lived. The Apocalypse is interrupted. The battle of Armageddon is not won by the international coalition, but by the intervention of the coming of the Messiah. The forces that attack Israel will be horribly destroyed, and then true peace will begin. Yeshua as King of the Jews will return to Jerusalem to set up His kingdom.

That's the part the Muslim leaders don't see. For that matter, neither do most of the Christians and Jews."

Stay tuned for "What's It All About?" next post.

Intifada, Part I

2006-05-18T10:47:00.000-07:00

The next several posts are going to be excerpts from Chapter 8 (Intifada) of Keith Intrator's "From Iraq to Armageddon." I found it most compelling, and I would encourage you to read this book even if just for a different opinion on the "end times" matter. This chapter put together for me some things that are currently going on in our world, and was quite an eye opener.
From Keith Intrator's "From Iraq to Armageddon."

INTIFADA

"By the summer of 2000, the Camp David talks with Clinton, Barak, and Arafat were in full swing. Ehud Barak, the most decorated soldier in modern Israeli history, had set himself to negotiate a peace settlement with Arafat by putting all the issues on the table. He had just completed a unilateral withdrawal of Israeli forces from southern Lebanon. While there were objections from the right that the withdrawal would be interpreted by the Arabs as weakness, and therfore encourage more terrorism, it received widespread approval in Israeli public opinion.

Barak, riding this wave of success and popularity, offered to give back or remove Israeli presence from the disputed territories, allow for a Palestinian state with its capital in East Jerusalem, and even relinquish control over the Temple Mount area! The right wing went into a panic. The mainstream was confused. Even the left wing was amazed at how far Barak was pushing. It seemed crazy. But...who knows? Israel was so tired of the wars and the struggles. Perhaps if we just made concessions on all the issues, we could get to peace.

One thing that Barak demanded was an "end of conflict" clause. In other words, that the Arab world would agree to this treaty and commit to no further demands being made on Israel. Here Arafat balked. The talks started to stall.

Sharon's Visit
The right wing felt the need to move. A year earlier the Lukud party, under the leadership of then prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, suffered a severe defeat at the hands of the Labor party under Barak. The new chairman of the Likud party, Ariel Sharon, decided to protest by making an official "visit" to the Temple Mount. The visit, of course, would be a statement of Jewish rights to the Temple Mount area.

He invited Knesset members from all parties to join him. Actually very few showed up. While on the Temple Mount, although accompanied by heavy security, Sharon was pelted by rocks. Violent demonstrations erupted all over the Palestinian territories. The response was much greater than anyone (on the Israeli side) expected. Barak, frustrated by Arafat's intransigence, publicly backed Sharon's right to visit the Temple Mount, although not agreeing to the particular timing of the event.

The situation, instead of quieting down over the next few weeks, grew worse. The Camp David talks collapsed with both sides walking out in anger. At that point, Arafat proclaimed the opening of a new "Intifada," a civil uprising or terrorist war against Israel.

The Israeli public was stunned. Despite the rhetoric against the concessions that Barak was offering, it was likely that a plebiscite vote would have affirmed the treaty. The Israeli public so desperately wanted peace that it was ready for anything, even what seemed to be humiliating and dangerous concessions. But Arafat refused. He not only refused; he opened a war in return.

Within a few weeks, Barak's goverenment was toppled. Sharon became the new prime minister. Even more disconcerting than the change in government was the shaking of the Israeli worldview. The very conception that it would be possible ever to negotiate and arrive at a peaceful agreement was deeply undermined.

And the Intifada continued and continued. Almost all the Palestinians working in Israeli businesses were fired. Laborers from China, Romania, the Philippines, and Nigeria were brought in to cover the jobs. Tourism to Israel dropped to virtually zero. That caused a chain effect in other related businesses, such as hotels and restaurants. Foreign investment also dropped dramatically. Unemployment in Israel skyrocketed. With the high costs of prolonging a war that seemed to go on and on, there was no budget left for schools, hospitals, and welfare.

The police were so stretched in security issues that crime protection went down. The despair of the people began to express itself in symptoms of higher sexual abuse, violence in families, gambling, and substance abuse.

And on the Palestinain side, the disaster was almost total. Widespread malnutrition, poverty, and unemployment ruined the day to day life of the average Palestinian. The Palestinian authority was plagued with horrible financial corruption, so that donations from Europe and the Arab nations never reached the people. Militant fanatic Islam spread more and more. A subculture idolizing terror grew up that gripped large parts of the Palestinian youth and even children. Arafat at one point even called for a "million suicide terrorists" to volunteer to "liberate" Jerusalem.

When Sharon was elected as prime minister, he wanted to alter his image as hard right wing. He offered to open negotiations by declaring a unilateral cease-fire on Israel's part. Arafat continued the Intifada. After the World Trade Center disaster, another attempt was made to negotiate a cease-fire, to no avail."

Stay tuned for, "What Arafat Sees" next post.

Feminism, Christianity, Sexy Cartoons, and THONGS!

2006-05-09T10:24:00.000-07:00

I was just listening to a program by Rebecca Jones, author of "Is God a Feminist?" She is a christian woman who has apparently done her research! I would have taken notes of names of people and books mentioned it I hadn't been driving.

Of the many things she said that frightened me, the thing most atrocious was the "postmodern" thinking that has taken over many religious leaders, who are teaching that because we cannot know the thoughts or perspectives of those who wrote the Word of God, we must just read it and interpret it from our our worldly experiences. We must add to or take away from whatever the writing is in order for our "inner energy" to experience the words in the way they were meant. No need for blood and guts of the cross - too depressing and strange!
It is also being taught that Eve was the liberator of the human race because she took a leap of faith outside of the confines of her patriarchal abusive Father God and tasted the apple. Where would we all be today had it not been for Eve?

She also gave names of some well-known pagan witches who are professors at theological schools and are teaching that the cross was the most severe form of child abuse because God the Father allowed, or actually forced, His son to be tortured and cruelly killed. They are also teaching that the patriarchal God of Christianity symbolizes the rape of the world! The rape of women! I was wondering if their thought is that the Father raped Mary instead of an immaculate conception...? That was what she sort of alluded to, but she didn't actually say it. Don't know about that or why this is the thought, but I'll have to check it out.

At first I was shocked, but then I remembered our weekend. This Saturday I babysat for our neighbor's little boy. I turned on some cartoons just for some noise - he cried when his mom left, and I thought maybe that would distract him for a while. What I saw was horrible!!! Saturday morning cartoons featured little girls with cleavage and hooker-short shorts...wearing makeup and flirting with boys in a way that makes me blush!!! I wish I knew what cartoon we were watching...I have never seen anything like the way sex is being pushed on kids like that. I was flabbergasted. Then, we went to "town," and I was looking for some shorts when I ran across THONGS in the little girls section!!! THONGS!!! The underwear, not the shoes... for little girls starting at age 4!!!!

Where have I been? Are people really this desensitized? Do little girls really wear those and watch those cartoons? No wonder we have pregnant 11 yr olds! What are parents thinking?

I'm sorry Luke...I think we're homeschooling Mayah!!!

2006-05-05T12:34:00.000-07:00

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/3702242.stm

I am trying to find out more about Darfur. Strangely enough..ER has been really really rough for me to watch for the past 2 weeks. Yes, it's a TV show, but it's as if I can feel the demonic strongholds there seeping through the television. I can feel it. Something so dark. It has been keeping me up at night, and I spend my time thinking about my own freedom and my faith. How fortunate am I to live in a place that offers safety from rebels weilding guns and raping women with bayonettes? I have been asking myself if I were called on by God to go there, could I? Would I? Would I be able to have faith in my God in the midst of such...horror. What words can describe what is going on?

I have heard about areas in which tribal leaders have made blood covenants with satan. It effects the land as well as the people...I wonder if that has happened there. Shiver.

Even with the media displaying EVERY crime and atrocity on our TVs, how can one become desensitized to evil of this magnitude?

I found this story that attempts to explain what exactly has happened, but it's still a little bit confusing to me...

Did You Know?

2006-05-03T11:54:00.000-07:00

For those of you who didn't know, don't believe, or are struggling with the thought of God:

You were created by the Most High God for the purpose of His good pleasure. You are fearfully and wonderfully made to be a friend and a lover of the Most High God, to experience the superior pleasures that come from sitting in His presence.

Jesus was in on the planning of You. He twirled in delight with God, His Father, at the thought of You. His desire, now that you are here in the physical, is that you would know Him, know who He really is - fully God, fully Man. That you would be intrigued by His Word, the scriptures, and hunger for a deeper understanding of who you are as part of His plan. You were made for love. You were made for God.

As a human, you have within your being, the very essence of God. He breathed His life into you in order to create you. You are a spiritual and physical phenomenon. Ask the One True God, Lord of Lords, Yahweh. Ask Him about these things. Ask Him for greater revelation, ask Him to open your spiritual eyes and ears that your spirit might be awakened to Him instead of sluggish and cynical. There is more to this life.

He does not demand perfection, only the humility required to admit we are not perfect, and He asks for our faith - that we would believe in Him and in His Son who has already redeemed us if we would but trust Him. Struggle through these things! Grapple with the idea of a Jewish Savior, Jesus of Nazareth, His death on the cross to take upon Himself the darkness of all that is wrong in the world so that we didn't have to. He did not want us to. "He is our out." Ask the Father about it. He has given us His word that if we seek we will find, and if we knock, the door will be opened.

"From Iraq to Armageddon" quote

2006-05-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

"Before people are deceived they are first diverted. The issue is not the timing of the Rapture, nor the identity of the antichrist, nor the mark of the beast. It is not the ashes of the red heifer, nor a foundation stone for the third temple, nor a plot to blow up the Dome of the Rock. One of the best ways to keep from being deceived is to concetrate on the central figure - Yeshua; on our primary task - evangelism; and on the main event - the Second Coming."

Keith Intrater

I was at first not interested, but skeptical of this book. It's actually really really good, and it gives a very biblical explanation of several events leading up to the Second Coming and events occurring now...

"Keith Intrater is a Jewish believer in Jesus who came to faith in his MEssiah during a dramatic confrontation with the power of God in the mountains of Central America. He graduated from Harvard University Cum Laude....immigrated to Israel in 1992 with his wife and 4 children under Tikkun International..."

Ezekiel 39

2006-04-27T13:19:00.000-07:00

An interesting discussion on the 2nd coming here: http://www.studylight.org/forums/viewtopic.php?p=38604
led me to go back and read Ezekiel 38 and 39...

Ezekiel 39:6-8 (amp)

I will send fire on Magog (Israel?) and upon those who dwell securely in the coastlands, and they shall know, understand, and realize that I am the Lord, the Sovereign Ruler, Who calls forth loyalty and obedient service. And I will make My holy name known in the midst of My people Israel, and I will not let them profane My holy name any more; and the nations shall know, understand and realize that I am the Lord, the Holy One of Israel. Behold, it is coming and it will be done, says the Lord God; that is the day of which I have spoken.

Ezekiel 39:21-29

And I will manifest My honor and glory among the nations, and all the nations shall see My judgment and justice in the punishment which I have executed and My hand which I have laid on them. So the house fo Israel shall know, understand, and realize beyond all question that I am the Lord their God from that day forward. And the nations shall know, understand and realize positively that the house of Israel went into captivity for their iniquity, because they trespassed against Me; and I hid My face from them. So I gave them into the hand of their enemies and they all fell into captivity or were slain by the power of the sword. According to their uncleanness and according to their transgressions I dealt with them and hid My face from them.

Therefore thus says the Lord God: Now will I reverse the captivity of Jacob and have mercy upon the whole house of Israel and will be jealous for My holy name. They shall forget their shame and self-reproach and all their treachery and unfaithfulness in which they have transgressed against Me, when they dwell securely in their land and there is none who makes them afraid. When I have brought them again from the peoples and gathered them out of their enemies' lands, and My justice and holiness are set apart and vindicated through them in the sight of many nations, then shall they know, understand, and realize positively that I am the Lord their God, because I sent them into captivity and exile among the nations and then gathered them to their own land. I will leave none of them remaining among the nations any more. Neither will I hide My face any more then from them, when I have poured out My Spirit upon the house of Israel; says the Lord God.

Do We Really Love the Truth?

2006-04-24T12:16:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what the real title of this is...these are some notes I have taken from a cd from IHOP's Israel Mandate....There are few teachings that truly call my spirit to attention such as this one, and I risk the criticism of others by posting these notes, but so be it! People get ready! Jesus is coming!

Let me just preface this by saying also that I have experienced some of what Mike Bickle talks about in this series as I've looked for a church and also as I've struggled with speaking to non-believer friends...I used to be a very very politically correct person, a people pleaser, if you will.

And another preface: I believe that Christ will return again after the tribulation...I believe that we will be here for the worst of it and that Christ will intervene in the battle of Armageddon

And this is my interpretation, my notes...aren't you intrigued now?

Man is afraid.

There is already a serious spirit of false prophecy.

Do we really love the truth, as Christians, as much as we say we do? As Christians, do we identify more with the western culture or as citizens of heaven? Is the reality of the Word of God too scary or intense for us to bear witness to? Do we deny THAT reality for the sake of our comfort? This is being done in the church all over the world. People are actually preaching that is doesn't matter what "religion" you are, you could be Hindu or Jewish - you still go to heaven in the end...let God sort out the details...

There is a scripture - not sure where presently (maybe Jer. 23:16 - ?), but it talks about those who say "peace, peace" when there really is no peace. This is the spirit of false prophecy. The enemy's strategy is to exploit our unrenewed minds so that we are believing the lies of the false prophets, claiming that there is peace, claiming that there is no judgement to come. Christianity is all flowers and roses and candy :) That way, when the truth of what God says will come to pass before Jesus returns, we can label God as a liar.

So, are we interpreting scripture through a western lense of comfort, when actually it was written from a sense of burning love and eternity? Some things are more important than our present comfort.

Are we embarrased by some of the scriptures? Are we embarrased by Jesus? What He said about Israel and the time preceding His return? Do we use the Bible for our own agendas? ( and I personally think of all of the seeker churches out there who water down EVERYTHING to get their numbers up....what happens to those people who do not know the real truth? This happens a lot in the homosexual debate...) So much of what is preached today is to make people feel good. I'm not saying that there is not a lot of truth in the Bible that makes people feel good, but to go the way of the sinner and then be told that it doesn't matter what you do or what you believe because you will go to heaven anyway - Christians should have more compassion on the human race than that.

The truth is that much of what is in the Bible is very politically incorrect.

It's as if, although we proclaim our eternity in heaven, we still act on earth as if it's more important to please everyone around us than to make sure they know the truth.

Jesus the Bridegroom and Jesus the Judge have no contradiction - they are the same person...Jesus the Judge removes everything that hinders love so that His Bridegroom passion can be expressed to and through His people. We see prophetic pictures of this end times truth in our everday lives as He brings us to places of brokenness before Him so that we may see the truth and learn to rely upon His perfection instead of our own flesh. Yhis is what the Lord will do for Israel as well as gentile non-believers through the tribulation. Jer. 23:20 explains that these things - the Lion and the Lamb - will be perfectly understood as we near the time of His second coming. Jesus the Judge has been proven in love on the cross. We have no, yet we judge Him still. We should come under His judgement not put Him under our own judgement.

There is so much more of this I'd like to share, but Mayah is calling.....

Baby Funnies

2006-04-03T14:58:00.000-07:00

Mayah entertained me all day today - I haven't laughed this much in quite a while...

I was trying to get her to go to sleep for the 3rd time this afternoon, and I mindlessly belched really really loud. I kinda suprised me! Hmmm, what did I have for lunch? Anyway, she jolted upright and laughed out loud and then started screeching! It was the funniest thing I have experienced as a mom yet...

Presently, she is asleep in her swing. It's the type with a "toy bar." This means that in front of her are little trinkets to pull down. They sing and have flashing lights. Great entertainment! I went in to check on her because I hadn't heard any noise in a while, and I found her fast asleep with one of the toys hitting her in the head every time the swing swung forward...I wish I could have videotaped it...

She had her 2nd round of shots today. She didn't cry! We also found out that she is 26 inches long - that's really really tall for her age. She's in the 95th percentile for her age for height! While at the MD office, we also found out that the same doctor that sees the babies delivers the babies...he was being paged, "Dr. Borg, 911 upstairs, Dr. Borg.", that meant that a baby was coming that very second! Small town living is so strange...I can't imagine going to him for an OBGYN appt after seeing him for all of Mayah's visits...she really likes him though.

I have babbled enough....I'm just not used to having this much time to myself! Ahh...maybe I'll go to the bathroom or dust the furniture...or shave my legs!

Where Does My Hope Come From?

2006-03-26T13:00:00.000-08:00

My hope and my strength come from God and God alone...

I've sat in self pity for several weeks now longing for a friend, for someone to talk to, for a church home, for something to do...feeling sorry for myself and feeling angry at God for moving us to this awful place.

I've had no one to talk to, so I've cried out to Him. I've yelled and cried and cussed and moaned...and finally realized that most of the places I've lived have placed me in isolation, and in isolation, I've grown the most, I've discovered more of the person God created me to be - breaking out of the mold that family or friends fit me into. Here, I've had to completely rely on Him, I haven't even been able to talk to Luke about my feelings because it's his job that brought us here - he is having enough stress as it is and the last thing he needs is his wife telling him she hates it here and it's all his stupid job's fault, etc.... (I've felt that way!)

Being completely dependent on Him for my strength and my help has allowed me to see how much I've depended on others up until now for my spiritual growth. I know now that I can be lifted up by others, but humanity in it's imperfect state cannot quench my thirst. I have asked that everything that hinders love be removed, that all my walls be broken down in order to know Him more...but I never really thought about what that meant. I thought it would be rosy and beautiful. In reality, it's quite trying. It's not pretty in the beginning.

So, God is answering my prayers by causing me - or almost forcing me - to come to Him, because I have no one else right now. My cries have turned into a yearning to hear His voice, and for Him to break down my soul's walls even more, to see Him, to experience His reality and the fullness of Christ. I want that. I want more, I've said that often...

In His sweetness, He has met me and revealed to me what my worship is at this time. My praise to Him is Mayah. It is so hard for me to stop cleaning and painting and worrying about what else we need to do to this stupid house and just play with her. But every time I do, I hear His voice. This is my race. This is my calling for now. I am not called to redecorate a house, but to play with my child, His beloved.

Also...I have discovered a small spark, an underground group of strong Christian women here in what I once thought was a dying old town. They are meeting once a week for prayer and once a week for Bible study - a conglomeration of women from many different churches in the area. I am hoping to start the Bible study adn maybe find a church that way?

2006-03-18T17:15:00.000-08:00

i hate sports. grrrrrr!!! AGHHH!!!

This Sucks, God. What Are You Doing?

2006-02-26T11:11:00.000-08:00

I used to live in a pretty big city, where I saw a lot of things I probably shouldn't have seen, and experienced lonely, hurting people participating in desperate and harmful acts, searching for what would make them whole, far far away from the design God intended, far frmo the beauty that they are to behold....now I live in a small town and instead of searching, those who hurt here have given up or have chosen to cover it up by appearing to do what they "should" according to small town rules.

It seems so strange to me that one of the first questions we are asked when we meet new people is, "Have you found a church?." Yet, even in the physical church buildings we've been in, there is no evidence of the "church" at all...

We didn't even pray in the service we went to today, and I was basically ushered out into the nursery with Mayah. She wasn't even crying.

I am so discouraged. I have never been anywhere more spiritually dead in all of my life...even the fakey church I grew up in was more alive than the zombies we see zoning out in the dead services that teach against sin over and over and over. What poor horrible people we are. DON'T DO THIS AND DON'T DO THAT OR YOU'LL GO TO HELL. REPENT! HE'S COMING!
Would they blanch at the thought that they are Jesus's favorite one? That His desire is for them to come to Him and experience real life? Or at least to hunger for it...Here, people are expected to go to church and they go, for no other reason.

What causes such boredom in the spirit? What did these preachers start off like? How did they get to a place of monotone recitation of some song in some hymnal...was there never any excitement? Is it all they want, to have a few people fall asleep in their pews? Oh, heavens if the spirit did show up, we'd all probably have a heart attach or be accused of really being drunk as the apostles were. Was there ever a vision of being that kind of church?

Oh, Father, where did you bring us? What is this ghost town? Have you ever been here?

I have this horrible fear that I will become just as dead, just as bored, and just as judgemental if I become involved...I know that already sounds hypocritical, but I have cried at each service I've attended, wondering where on earth are we going to be fed, are there any people our age who share our interests or values? Why did God bring us here?

I seriously feel like I've stepped into the twighlight zone, like it's some huge black hole that swallowed up any hope for a future for this place...I had no idea that places like this actually exhisted on earth...how naive of me to think that with the progress of today, there would not be some left behind or some who chose to stay. Not that these people are any less...but there is such a sadness, a hopelessness...it seems they've just given up...there isn't really anything good anymore. I wonder why...it's as if they've been forgotten and so, they've forgotten themselves.

It sucks.

New Neighbors

2006-02-15T10:49:00.000-08:00

Who knew what a procrastinator I would become? I should be fixing curtains, painting the kitchen, boiling rocks for the fish tank...

I just met my neighbor on the north side - she is about 70? years old. I went over yesterday to meet her, but she was on her way out the door to a MD appt. She stopped by today with what she called a "sussie" - a huge loaf of apple cinnamon bread with icing!!! She also told me that her husband, who has dementia, ran away 2 weeks ago. He was lost for a while before a doctor found him, and now she is trying to cope with living at home alone because he was put in a nursing home. She LOVES Mayah. She just wanted to stare at her for what seemed like several minutes. Maybe she'll be another grandma! I can see us having tea :)

Hardy Har Har...

2006-02-14T15:11:00.002-08:00

I actually saw a sign today that said:

"Speed Limit 60"
"Speed Limit for Trucks hauling houses 50"

Where do I live? I'll have to go back and take a picture of this!!! I almost peed my pants it was so funny...

Hardy Har Har...

2006-02-14T15:11:00.001-08:00

Alive and Well in Falls City, NE

2006-02-07T13:35:00.000-08:00

This will be a rather different post...

I'm sitting in our new house watching Mayah laughing and giggling at the spinning bird on her bouncer...this is about 2 hours after she had her vaccinations. She cried. I cried. It's torturing a baby!

It's been so long since I've blogged that I had to think for a minute about my password!

Moving with an infant is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I am hoping that we will find a church home soon so that I can begin to connect with some people here. So far, I've been unpacking and painting the kitchen. We've been here 2 weeks and our house is still full of boxes. This is quite a struggle for me - I am having a hard time relaxing and finding my rhythm with such chaos and unorganization..or is it disorganization?

Whoever lived here before decided to put in linoleum over the hardwood floors in the kitchen, and then use the same linoleum to line the cabinets!!! BUT. GET THIS. They first had red shelf paper down, and painted OVER the red shelf paper and THEN put the linoleum down. Using the same glue they used to glue it to the floor....But they did not glue the edges down, so there was dirt and bugs and such under the edges that had come up. Vicki and I worked for about 3 days getting that out, sanded, and newly lined, etc. Now we are painting over the barfy pink/mauve - we're painting it white to start until I can decide what color I want. I am NOT a home decorator. I would much rather have someone do this for me. Too bad we're not rich :)

I was able to go to KC and sit in the house of prayer with my aunt this weekend, and am looking forward to going again. I am hoping to be able to go twice a month when we get settled. There is just something about sitting under that annointing in a place full of people who have made a radical committment to a radical lifestyle. I have been encouraged and inspired once again.

Vicki got us the Bible on CD by some British man...he reads the Bible from beginning to end - she got it to play for Mayah while she sleeps, etc...and I've been listening to Genesis with her after reading it 3 times over the course of the last year. I am wondering what the Lord is trying to teach me here...

We've received about 30 calls on the Focus from folks in Minneapolis now that we live in Nebraska...I envision the Lord just kind of chuckling at this...we still have not sold it, but I know that we will some day. I keep telling the callers that they are welcome to come to Falls City for a test drive but have had no takers.

Women's group - I miss you all!!! So does Mayah.

Something Stupid I Did Today...

2005-12-02T12:35:00.000-08:00

...and for some reason, it makes me feel better to share these things with others...

So, I received an e-mail at work today from someone above me (someone I correspond with quite often on projects, but he is a "boss" type, though not my boss). The e-mail was to everyone in the company, and it included an incentive program for a project our site was ahead on.

The incentive listed for our particular site was sort of a slap in the face to the work that our particular site had done on this project as we have had to cover for a lot of other sites. So, I jokingly responded to the person who sent the e-mail about the incentive based upon our work (he knows how much we've had to do to cover). I put a little smiley face at the end, indicating it was a joke, and I didn't think the comment was over the top or critical...

BUT.

Apparently someone else at our site was a bit miffed at the incintive e-mail as well and responded to the ENTIRE company, including the CFO, etc...I am not sure what the comment said, but needless to say, my comment was not appreciated in light of the chaos caused by the other employee...who, by the way, had already left for the day when my supervisor received the phone call from the CFO regarding the comment made by said employee...

I have a really big mouth...or, I guess I should've thought before I typed!!!

I guess I am lucky that it wasn't me who accidentally( or purposely) hit the "reply all" button...but I still feel like a scolded puppy with my tail between my legs...

2005-11-06T19:38:00.000-08:00

In Your eyes flows a river of love, but I cannot look at them.

I picture You hiding Your face from me, but Your eyes still implore me to come.

You shrink as if in my fear I have made myself larger than You.

The hurt is mine, not Yours.

I want to hold onto it for a moment more.

As if there is just one thing that Your scourging did not cover,

That in Your death there was not given the opportunity for freedom.

But it is not my flesh You seek after.

It is my spirit.

And as the child in my womb leaps at the sound of Your name,

So I long for my spirit to always do the same.

Solicitors

2005-11-06T11:57:00.000-08:00

Has anyone else been bombarded with solicitors on their blog recently? Are you really interested in what I have to say, or are you just advertising any place you can?

My New Favorite Song

2005-10-21T14:29:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Knapp's "Hold Me Now"

From glass alabaster she poured out the depths of her soul.
O foot of Christ would you wait if her harlotry's known?
Falls a tear to darken the dirt...
Of humblest offerings to forgive the hurt.
She is strong enough to stand in your love.
I can hear her say..I am weak, I am poor, I'm broken Lord, but I'm yours.
Hold me now. Hold me now...

Let he without sin cast the first stone if he will.
To say that My bride isn't worth half the blood that I've spilled.
Point your finger and laugh if you choose
...to say My beloved is borrowed and used
She is strong enough to stand in My love
I can hear her say...
Hold me now. Hold me now...

I heard this song on the radio on my way to work the other day, and it made me cry. I bought the CD, and I've had it on repeat for the past week on my car cd player...I am struck with the way it reminds me of where I came from and where I am now. The grace I've been given, the chances and protection I've been provided with, the blessings that have been poured out on me...Why, God? Show me why You love me this much.

I've been struggling with others' faults lately, and have found myself making judgements against them...and God keeps singing to me through this song that even those who do not know Him or share my opinions, those who annoy me...those are the ones He calls His Beloved, His bride...not just me and the rest of us lumped into the "Christian" category. He wants my neighbors, He wants my boss, He wants us all the same. This song has shown me where my pride has taken over and how biased my view has become...I don't want to be one of those people who look at the "unchurched" with disdain...I was them not 3 years ago... and for sure I am far far far far from perfect or "Godly" per se. In the same way this song comforts me, with all of my faults, it reveals God's passion for all of humanity. Who am I to say that His bride is not worth half the blood that He spilled? The grace that has been showed me, I am to show others.

I'm So Glad We Are Home!

2005-09-28T15:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't fallen off of the face of the earth...although I feel like that may be a fun way to escape some days!

The life of Luke and Kari for the past month has included the following:

1 Move
1 three week trip for Luke to Mississippi to help find the 1000 missing barges in the aftermath of hurricane Katrina (he was scheduled to go there anyway :)) right after the move...
Another increase in workload for Kari
1 trip for Kari to Texas to visit family in Houston and McAllen right about the time hurricane Rita was expected to hit there!
1 cold/sinus infection for Kari

Houston was a madhouse. I've never seen so many people in an airport in my life on my flight to McAllen (hometown). The ticket agents somehow managed to lose my bag before I even checked it - it was full of baby gifts from the shower the night before...somehow the bag got back to McAllen the next morning...?

Then when I flew through Houston on my way back to Minneapolis, there was not a soul to be found in the airport -only those on my flight and a couple of other flights outbound...no restaurants or bookstores were open...couldn't even buy a soda!!! The airlines were out of beverages except for water and people were complaining that they didn't get peanuts. I heard one flight attendant say, "Well honey, some people don't have a home, we don't have peanuts. Count your blessings." Well said. After all of the chaos, the hurricane didn't hit Houston at all!!! Answer to prayer.

But, we are all back, finally living in our new home together for the first time...it's good to be home. And, we have a ton of new baby stuff!!! I am overwhelmed at the generosity of my friends and family...I had to pack an extra suitcase to check and will be receiving a couple of rather large plastic tubs full of stuff from home! This baby is already spoiled. :)

...Who I Truly Am in Him

2005-08-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

Despite what many mothers have said, being pregnant is one of the hardest things I've experienced in my life. I've never imagined or dreamed of being a mother...I've always just thought that I wouldn't have children. Luke always mentioned that he wanted children, but knew that I was still unsure. When I thought it may be something I might want, I was still skeptical. But now...I'M HAVING A BABY. It seemed so far off for a long time, but the closer I get the scarier it is. I am now feeling her kick, we've registered for baby stuff, my body is changing dramatically, I'm thinking of how to care for her, how my life is going to be different. There are so many things that I probably won't do the same...I already don't.

For the last 3 weeks, I've been struggling with this pregnancy. I couldn't pinpoint it. Today God showed me. As I looked in the mirror at my newly dimpled thighs, stripper boobs, and my big stomach...my flabby arms, pimply face and back...all I wanted was a bottle of wine and a cigarette-a whole pack of 'em. The more I thought of my life as a stay at home mom, the worse I felt. I felt like my whole purpose in life was over. Everything that has ever made me feel worthy is over. I no longer feel sexy in the least...doubt I ever will feel that way again...I won't be using my mind to crunch numbers or analyze data...or to recruit patients (though not much mindfulness involved there anyway). I won't hang out with friends over a few bottles of wine for at least another year...what will I do all day? Who will I connect with? We are moving into a townhome that makes me feel clausterphobic, with no yard...it will be the middle of winter here...it just got worse and worse...A friend said to me the other day that other than death, divorce and marriage, the most stressful events in life are moving, changing jobs and having a baby. I am doing all three of those...at the same time. With no family...and though I have friends up here, it's not the same. Thanks for indulging my pity party.

I sat down on the bed and just cried...who am I? Who am I going to be? I feel like I'm losing my identity sort of...and God was reminding me that these things that I get satisfaction from...these things that I allow to define me are fading, they are not eternal...I didn't want to listen though...I just don't want to change anymore! Can't things just settle down and get normal for a while...?EVER?

But, as I lay there on my bed, Luke came over and lay down with me...I was able to share my fears with him and cry with him, and the Lord spoke through him what He has trying to tell me all along...that I am not defined by the way that I look or the job that I have...that my worth comes from Him, that I touch people, that people like me not just for the way I look or the job that I have...the seed has been planted. I've pondered on what I look like to God. I've struggled with that for a few years...I know what it is in my head...I think He is starting to create a reality in my heart.

Contending for the Faith, Part 2

2005-08-14T19:29:00.000-07:00

What is God calling us to? Is it too frightening to consider? Are the changes He's calling us to make too radical? Maybe we should be going after those things full-fledged, desiring to be a church (Bride) with a mighty spirit and with a fierce determination to follow God instead of pleasing man. Let's not be hindered by fear of man but instead seek Him at all costs. Are we willing to be abandoned to His will, or are we too afraid to throw away our flesh-bound sophistication that turns others on? Do our words unlock hearts because they flow from the Holy Spirit or are they beautifully and eloquently empty, spoken only for the praise of men?

God seems to be speaking this to me, not in an angry judgemental way, but rather in an exhortation to continue to contend. He's saying, "Come! Come after Me! This way! Don't slow down, don't stop, just keep coming!" The excuses I sometimes make for not spending time contemplating His love, learning about His character, practicing His presence seem quite rediculous considering THIS IS GOD! Is there something in my life that is more important? If I am serious about my committment, I can trust Him to get around all of the legalism that's built into quiet time, and come before Him because I truly AM hungry for more. I can be purposeful about the way I set up my days so as to make sure I am feeding my spirit, I am fanning the flame. One of the scriptures that has so stuck out to me this past week is Matthew 5:6
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be completely satisfied."

I have always known in my head the words, "nothing else can satisfy like Christ." My heart is now beginning to experience that satisfaction as I purposefully set my own mind as flint in His direction, towards His gaze, pressing on for the prize that is surely greater than what this world offers. It is really true - even in those times when I've felt like I've failed, when I'm so distracted, it seems like my time with God was really about doing the dishes...He changes something inside me...He is really working in there! This time is what is fueling my spirit, and strengthening my inner man.

Mike Bickle (fotb) does a series on cultivating a fiery spirit, and when he talks about how to do this, he says it is by setting our cold hearts before the hot fire of God's love. He describes how this strengthens our spirits. Here are some of my notes from that series.

Eph 6:10 describes the weapons of our warfare as being mighty in God. But, we have to be strong in the power of his might before we can we mighty in battle. It's more than intellectual knowledge about the right words or scriptures to use. Weak passive spirits cannot take on the powers of darkness. Many people go right to Eph 6 for the weapons of warfare, but might skip the first part of Ephesians 3 that tells us how to get strong in His might, how the Lord builds might on our inner man. Here (Eph 3) Paul prays that we would be rooted and grounded in His love, that we would know it experientially - this comes from sitting in His presence, from contemplating this God-Man Jesus, from intimacy with Him. THEN we can put on the armor with some authority in our words. The time spent with our hearts before God effects the way we respond, it opens our spirit to the Holy Spirit, it builds might in our spirits.

MB shares the story in Acts about the men trying to cast out demons using "this Jesus whom Paul preaches." The evil spirit replied to them, "Jesus I know, and Paul I know, but who are you? Then the man in whom the evil spirit dwelt leaped upon them, mastering two of them, and was so violent against them that they dashed out of the house naked."
Acts 19 11-16

Paul was known in hell - what kind of men scare demons? What kind of men are known in the spirit, not so much in the natural...a weak man in the natural, but a mighty man of the spirit!

Let us be a people who seek Him fiercely, who hunger for this type of strength in our own inner man, which comes from knowing His love experientially. Let us not dwell constantly on pleasing man, but on knowing God.

Contending for the Faith

2005-08-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

Jude 3 "Beloved, my whole concern was to write to you in regard to our common salvation. But I found it necessary and was impelled to write you and urgently appeal to and exhort you to contend for the faith which was once for all handed down to the saints - the faith which is that sum of Christian belief which was delivered verbally to the holy people of God."

For the past week or so, the Lord has really been showing me what it means to contend for the faith...this burning desire to be in His presence has urged me on to pursue time alone with God, to sit before Him even if I don't feel Him, to become routine and purposeful in my pursuit of holiness, or the knowledge of God, of the understanding of who He is and in experientially knowing of His love.

At Bluer's women's group this past Sunday, Patsy mentioned the importance of fighting for the things we seem to be given - such that when the Lord has given us a gift, like a new building, or a desire to pursue Him, we can't just sit back and wait for everything to fall into place, we must work at it, we must pray for it, we must trust (and believe me, that IS work!). This rang true in my spirit as I related it to my spiritual journey the week before. The Lord has given us gifts - even the desire to know Him is a gift of God...and if we do not pursue these things they can go away or diminish or turn a different corner than what we've hoped for...I have first hand knowledge of this...But if we fan into flame that gift which He has given, we will find that it does grow, maybe not on our own timetable, but every second that we have fed our spirit on His holiness is worth something special in God's economy.

II Tim 1:6 "That is why I would remind you to stir up (rekindle the embers of, fan the flame of, and keep burning) the gracious gift of God, the inner fire that is in you by means of the laying on of my hands (with those of the elders at your ordination)."

Our pastor opened in his message this past Sunday with this exact scripture...and then spoke on contending for the faith!

To contend for the faith requires action on our part to not just sit back and let the passion burn out - we need to RESPOND to it. Part of this contending for me is to not be offended when His timing is not in my time frame...I find myself in compromising situations in my faith, and I get angry with God or myself. I give up, or I allow myself to be completely drawn to something that does not feed my spirit on His goodness instead of reaching out to Him, asking Him to show me what it is He would like to work out in me by placing this obstacle in my path. How I long to always respond with an, "I love you still!" even when I am at my worst.

The other part of this contending for me is turning down others, foregoing other activities - even if it's just cleaning the house or doing laundry - to be with God, to pray or journal or meditate on His word...even if I don't feel anything at all. The Lord seems to be calling me to do this, and it's one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do...and other people start to think you are crazy...

Matt 11:12 "And from the days of John the Baptist until the present time, the kingdom of heaven has endured violent assault, and violent men seize it by force, as a precious prize - as a share in the heavenly kingdom is sought with most ardent zeal and intense exertion."

I remember the first time I heard this verse and the idea of "spiritual violence" and I could not associate the term violence with God, but it seems to make a lot more sense now...to pursue as a precious prize as a share in the heavenly kingdom is sought with most ardent zeal and intense exertion...

This week already I have been able to experience contending in terms of hanging on to Him, pressing in to Him, and seeking those things that are of Him even if my world seems to suck, turning down dinners and TV and laundry. I can tell the difference in the way my spirit receives Him, in my perception, in the way He calls me to pray, and I know this is a result of purposefully setting myself before His fire, seeking out His spirit..even if I don't feel anything at the time (which is most of the time), He still knows...and even if there is not some amazing experience 10 years down the road, I am finally at a place (I think) where that doesn't matter anymore...I am not doing this for me.

In The Deep Recesses of His Heart, Where I Long To Be...

2005-07-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time in my spiritual life the connection between my mind/intellect and my heart/spirit was complete. I was reading SOS chapter 4, verse 9: "You have ravished my heart and given me courage, my sister, my bride; you have ravished my heart and given me courage with one look from your eyes, with one jewell of your necklace." Words don't serve justice to that feeling - I just sat in my basement and cried, letting Jesus pour His oil over me...

It seems like those moments come less and less frequently. Or, maybe my hope and expectation for their re-occurrence are so great that it just seems like it's been forever. At times it seems my spirit man is being stirred, and yet my mind cannot grasp the meaning...or if a connection has been made, it is still incomplete somehow - as if I've got some unconscious way of blocking it to prevent a complete circuit. It's as if I'm on the verge of something that would be too much, too deep, too powerful if it was fully released. God wants desperately to reveal Himself to my spirit, but maybe I am afraid or I don't feel like I can handle the fullness of it. I have all of these wires full of energy with nothing to connect them to or to plug them into...

Last night I was reading my fiction pick for the summer, "The Four-Chambered Heart," by Anais Nin, and this line kept me up all night: "The heart...is an organ...consisting of four chambers...A wall seperates the chambers on the left from those on the right and no direct communication is possible between them..." She alludes to the different compartments of our spirit here, the different places we store certain memories or parts of our being that cannot we do not allow to interact with others. "... a place in some obscure recess, where flows eternal love, in a realm so different from the one inhabited by Rango (current lover of the female character) that they would never meet or collide, in the vast cities of the interior."

There is a place in the vast cities of my interior that God wants to fertilize, that He wants to open up, but this place seems to keep seperate and obscure the secrets of the goodness of Jesus. They seem so far away or so hidden when I long for my spirit to feel/experience what my mind knows. Yet when my whole being begins to grasp the meaning of my relationship to Jesus, the reality of His person, His character, His love for humanity (that's ME!), it's so close and large, for some reason I clam up, I close that place up.

The best I can do at times is to imagine our God as the God of a different planet alone or different people (but not me), and I envision the most amazing love story of a God who loved this people so much that He left His place of power to become physically changed in the likeness of humanity, left His throne to become one of them, and live among the, and yet they rejected Him. But, He went ahead and took all of their "bad qualities" as His, He took the responsibility for everything they did wrong because He loved them so much that He wanted them to have beauty and purity and righteousness anyway. I picture this tender, compassionate God-Man who is also the fiercest warrior, the most just judge, and the wisest of anything wise - perfection that goes so much deeper than our skeletal description. Then, He comes and places me among those people whom He loves - I am one of them, and for a moment the chambers on the left and right of my heart communicate, for a time I clearly understand. My mind and spirit and body comprehend fully for a teeny tiny second, and then it's static. I can go back and try to remember, but it's not the same.

How I long to constantly live in that place, "... a place in some obscure recess, where flows eternal love in a realm so different...in the vast cities of the interior," in a place where love seems too simple a word to describe the fierce connection I feel with my God, where my whole being overflows with His beauty and goodness and where I truly know that He is indeed IN me, and He is beginning to show me the depths of His heart.

How Old Do You Act?

2005-07-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

How old do you act?

I'm 26. I act 16. Uh-Oh.

Try It!

You Are 16 Years Old
16

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

In some respects acting younger than you really are can be quite positive...but we want to be "child-like," not 16. Did I miss something back then that I'm yearning for now? Oh well! This was fun...thanks Jen for the post and the link.

Prying My Hands Off...Finger by Finger...

2005-07-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

I wish I could describe how I've seen anew the goodness of God in the past 48 hours. There is nothing quite like hearing from God after thinking that you've been asking and asking and asking for so long and not hearing anything back. Now I keep wondering how I've missed all that He has been trying to tell me and show me in the last couple of months. All I've been trying to do is put my little ducks in a row, to be prepared, to make arrangements, to get ready for this baby, to plan our lives...oh, the details! Over the past couple of months, after I found out I was going to be a mommy, Luke and I also found out that we would have to move out of our house because our landlord wants to sell it ASAP. In the meantime, I had been working 50 hours per week in truly the most stressful environment I think I've ever been in, thinking that I would LOVE to find another job - maybe one that would allow me to work even more of a part time schedule after the baby's born. So, we set out to find ourselves a new place to live and I began looking for work. I also began looking for childcare. Nothing worked. It seemed like a dead end at every turn...

I thought, I am going to get everything straightened out! We are going to have a new place to live, I'm going to have a new job, and we are going to have perfect affordable childcare...except that is almost the complete opposite of what is happening now.

And God is speaking, "Take your hands off! Let me do the work here, and stop trying to control what I am doing! I have it taken care of, if you will just quit messing with everything! Now, go! Relax and let me do MY thing here!"

And so...what do I do now? This is foreign land! But it feels a lot better than fighting with God over who is going to carry this load, it feels better than forcing my way into HIS way and carrying something I don't have to...I kind of feel like the little kid who was hanging on her mommy's leg while her mommy was trying to do the grocery shopping - looking for the right things to buy her child so that she could grow up strong and healthy...

Money Money Money, or a lack thereof...A Beautiful Rant About the Cost of Living Here

2005-07-13T14:36:00.000-07:00

I am trying to figure out what makes Minneapolis so great that people would pay 500,000 for a 1000 sq foot 1 bedroom house and 300.00 to register your car for one year and 2000.00 per month for childcare. Plus 7% state income tax, plus taxes on stuff you buy...I think I'm turning Republican! The longer I am here, the more it seems like the most expensive and "too-trendy" place to be (my apologies to all of you Minnesota lovers...I too loved you, Minnesota, until about a month ago). If we were transfered anywhere else life would be so much easier! The only thing that makes me want to stay is my church family. Can't they move somewhere more logical? How do people survive? Luke and I think we make a pretty okay living- or it would be considered good in Texas...and our goals in life are not to be rich...but to survive comfortably...that doesn't seem to be an option here.

I am just at a loss...we've been looking for childcare for about a month now and have not found anything for less than 265.00 PER WEEK!!!!! My sister pays 350.00 per month for Montessori School. PER MONTH. What do people do here that allows them to afford these things? And food and cars and homes...? I know my boss works more than 80 hours a week to do so...Is everyone that crazy? The last place we visited was 1899.00 per month for full time - part time was 1400.00 per month, and they had a WAITING LIST! They taught the 6 week olds Spanish! I was tempted to ask if they taught them to speak English first...The "teachers" for infants all had college degrees in child care/child psychology, etc... Honestly, do people really buy into this? I'll be lucky if my 6 week old does more than sleep, eat, poop and cry - does this require a college degree? Maybe I just haven't learned all I need to learn about babies, but this seems completely rediculous.

At this point, it looks like I am going to have to stay home, breastfeed through the high school years...and we are going to have to sell our car and our plasma and live in boxes on the street! I just don't understand how expensive life is up here, and I'm ready to move to a more sane place. GRRRRR.

And so, if anyone reading this has information about affordable, dependable, certifiable childcare in south minneapolis/edina/richfield/bloomington that offers part time or half days, please please please let me know. Or, if anyone wants to sponsor us, that would be great too...or just volunteer for free? That would be super duper nice!

TAG

2005-07-04T16:26:00.000-07:00

Blogging Cohort, Patsy Brekke sent this to me...she "tagged" me, and so now I get to answer the following:

Blog these 5 items:

What is the total number of books you have ever owned?

What is the last book you bought?

What is the last book you read?

Name 5 books that mean a lot to you.

Tag 5 more people and pass it on!

What is the total number of books you have ever owned?

I don't know whether this is a good or bad thing, but I inherited from my mother the characteristic of book horder....so, there's no telling...right now I've tried to cut it down to one book case, but I find that every cabinet is also full of books...my aunt Vicki keeps sending me more in the mail too!

What is the last book you bought?

For Father's Day, I bought Luke this book called, "Why I Need You, 100 Reasons" By Gregory E. Lang - it's about a baby's first thoughts...the first thought in the book is, "I need you to remember that I'm watching everything you do." It's so sweet...

What is the last book you read?

Unfortunately, I have not finished a book in a while...I seem to get what I need from the book and then it gets dry and boring...I am trying to read more fiction this summer to stop this trend...that sounds kind of "not good," huh?

So, I decided to not do the book thing in terms of "self-help" for pregnancy and child birth and spirituality, but that didn't seem to work for very long. Currently I am reading:

- The Cloud of Unknowing & the Book of Privy Counseling...I am not sure who this is by originally

- A Grief Observed, CS Lewis

- Divorce Proof Your Marriage - don't know at the moment who the author of this is either
- The Four Chaimbered Heart by Anais Nin - the only fiction for now, but I'm trying!

Name 5 books that mean a lot to you.

1. The Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning

2. Redeeming Love, Francine Rivers - this one probably means the most to me...

3. The Oranges of Hironymous Bosche by Henry Miller - there was a time in my life I wanted to BE Henry Miller, or a female version of him...things have changed a lot, but I still love this book. It spoke to me a lot about trusting that I will be taken care of...

4. Bernard de Clairvoux on SOS (series)

5. The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy by Vicki Iovine (she makes it clear that it's perfectly normal for your butt to be bigger than your belly at this stage! I love it!)

I'm tagging: Mark, John, Melody, Luke, and Bob - never mind, I'm not sending this to anyone...I will not spend more then 20 minutes trying to figure out how to link on someone else's blog comments... I just don't get it, and that's how it is. :)

Notes from "How Can We Know If We are Living in the Last Generation," by Alan Hood

2005-06-28T15:42:00.000-07:00

Alan Hood, who is a teacher at the Forerunner School of Ministry, part of the International House of Prayer in Kansas City and Friends of the Bridegroom, does a series that addresses three questions about the end times...
1. Can we know if we are living in the last generation?
2. Should we know if we are living in the last generation?
3. If we can and should know, how will we know?

So, here are my notes from this series...I thought it was pretty good.

1. Can we know?
There has been a mocking spirit released by satan - the spirit that 2nd Peter speaks of (scoffers). This spirit says, "He's supposedly been coming forever - He's not going to come now!" or "It's not for common people to know, only scholars can guess at these things." It's even become politically incorrect in many churches to discuss these things.

The most widely used scripture to make the claim against our ability to know is Matthew 24:36 - the Olivet Discourse. Verse 36 clearly states, "But of the exact day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father knows."

The problem with this is that the entire context is missing. If we look closer at the text, what is before and after and even in the next chapter (ten virgens), we will see that we are commanded to know of the signs and the seasons. We are commanded to watch and to be ready. We can know when we are in the time or season, we can know the order of events, we can know what is coming.

Secondly, the verse states that no one DOES know, it does not state that no one WILL know or cannot know.

Verse 37 states, "As were in the days of Noah, so will be the coming of the Son of Man." In the days of Noah, God warned his people, he gave Noah the word, and though Noah tried to tell others, they did not believe him. In Genesis, we can even know that God warned Noah again 7 days before the great flood that he had 7 days, God told him exactly when to get in the boat!
"For just as in those days, they were eating and drinking, marrying and being given in marriage, until the very day when Noah went in to the ark. And they did hot know or understand until the flood came and swept them all away, so will be the coming of the Son of Man."

If we are to survive, we MUST know. In verse 32, Jesus warns, "From the fig tree LEARN this lesson; as soon as its young shoots become soft and tender and it puts out its leaves, you know of a surety that summer is near. So also when you see these signs, all taken together, coming to pass, you may know of a surety that He is near, at the very doors."!!!

As in the days of Noah, so also will the unfolding of revelation be for the church as revelation was unfolded to Noah.

Matthew 24:36 has been used in the wrong spirit in which Jesus teaches it - some are giving wrong council with the word of God at the wrong time. If one read it entirely, they would know this is exactly what He was warning against - to NOT know. He exhorts us in this message to seek it out, to dig for it, to ask for revelation.
I Peter 1:10 - the prophets of old inquired and searched carefully - what time and in what manner of time certain things would occur.

Yes, we CAN KNOW.

2. Should we know?

This is made pretty evident in the answer to the first question. There is a verse further down in the Olivet Discourse - Matt 24:44...here Jesus has been talking of the householder who, if he had known when the theif was coming, would have watched, and would not have allowed his house to be broken into. v44 - "You must also be ready therefore, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour when you don't expect Him." v45 - "Who then is the faithful, thoughtful and wise servant, whom his master has put him in charge of his household to give to others the food and supplies at the proper time? Blessed is that servant whom when his master comes, he will find so doing. I solemnly declare to you, he will set him over all his possessions. But if that servant is wicked and says to himself, My master is delayed and is going to be gone a long time, and begins to beat his fellow servant and to eat and drink with the drunken, the master of the servant will come on a day when he does not expect him and at an hour of which he is not aware."

WOW. The servant who is giving the food to the people at the proper time is one who recognizes the season. Blessed is he who feeds the church and gets them ready for what lies ahead. Jesus is likening NOT feeding the church in due season, not knowing these things and making the church ready for them, to beating them and eating with drunkards. When you do not share and feed the church on this word, you are setting them up for failure in the future.

Throughout redemptive history, God has raised up prophets who have warned of what is coming - look at the minor prophets and you will see this, no doubt. How much more will He warn His people when the whole earth is in the crosshairs of satan's rage and the wrath of the Lamb, dying forever or living and reigning with Him?

God demands that in the day of transition we listen to His word. Just as in the day of Noah, if you did not heed, you were dead. He releases the word to that generation.

We SHOULD know

3. How will we know if we can and should know?

There are 2 parts to Alan's answer to this question..I would have to add a little bit more. I believe there are several ways to know including asking for revelation, studying the prophesies, and just being aware of the things that have to take place before we can say for sure we are in that generation. God speaks to us, He does answer.

Alan focuses on these 2:
1. The salvation of Israel
Matthew 23:39 (this is the "woa to you, scribes and pharisees"... speech) Jesus clearly tells the people of Jerusalem, the religious leaders of that time, the nation of Israel, "for I declare to you, you will not see Me again until you say, Blessed is He Who comes in the name of the Lord."
Meaning, the salvation of Israel must occur before Jesus returns. He is serious because He loves His people, He gives them a clear condition. Not every person who is Jew or Israelite will come to know Jesus as their Messiah, and I'm not clear on how many or what this looks like, but it does allow us to see the importance of Israel in our own future, and that their King has not given up on them.

2. Fullfillment of the Great Commission
Matt24:14 "And this good news of the kingdom (the gospel) will be preached throughout the whole world as a testimony to all the nations and then will the end come." (the scripture that every missionary knows)
This is the fullfillment of the great commission. It makes you wonder how many countries are out there who do not have even one missionary among them?

This is evidence of the compassion that Jesus has for the people of the earth...that He would wait until every tribe, tongue, nation has at least heard the gospel, has had a chance to say Yes to Him.

These are my notes...
He is a Good Father, and it is His nature to warn us. He wants us to be aware.

Why Doesn't Anyone Want To Talk About It?

2005-06-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Let's just say that there is not going to be a rapture before any of the shaking occurs....what then? How much time do we have? Will it be our children or their children who will witness the tribulation and 2nd coming of Christ? How will we know or prepare?

How many people are really serious about studying these things, being ready? Not very many...most people avoid this topic like the plague...there are a lot of excuses. Some say we should not know, that Jesus directs us that we cannot know. Some say that it's too negative for the church to focus on. Some say, "If I believe in Jesus, it will all pan out...I don't have to worry about anything..." Some think that there is no way to know if we are in that generation. Some church authoritative figures claim that groups in the past who preached "we are in the last days," have hurt the church considerably, and have made Christians look like a bunch of nut cases...Some think that if you are knowledgeable or interested in the end times you are a psycho squirrell with an underground capsule full of guns and ammo, duct tape and plastic wrap.

What is the right answer? There seems to be scripture after scripture prophesying the 2nd coming of Christ and describing the events that precede that time. There seem to be numerous warnings in the Bible to God's people to watch, to be ready, to know what to look for, to not be deceived. Is this for someone else to worry about, in another time and place? Or is it for the church, anyone who believes in the scriptures?

Which One Do You Believe?

2005-06-24T20:29:00.000-07:00

Post-Millenialism: Jesus comes back after the millenium, goal is to Christianize the earth before Jesus comes, He will come after a period of peace and spirituality, and this theory embraces replacement theology - the church replaces Israel in God's plan

A-Millenialism: focuses on the symbols and also the spiritual triumph of the church, makes majority of the Word symbolic, with no clear standard of agreement on the interpretation, wide belief that there is no millenial reign - this is symbolic of Jesus's reign in our hearts. (Preterism: all prophecy was fullfilled in the past - 70AD Rome's conquering of Israel, etc)

Pre-Millenialism: Jesus comes back before the millenial reign begins, views end times prophecy as literal.

3 Approaches/Views of Pre-Millenialism
1. Dispensational: Belief in rapture before tribulation - seems to be the most popular
2. Historic: Post trib rapture, no victorious bride or vision for victorious King/church
3. Apostolic: Post trib rapture with a victorious bride who may die physically, but satan is still defeated spiritually

He Is My Strength When I Am Weak

2005-05-28T20:26:00.000-07:00

After plodding through a "spiritual" desert for the past 12 months or so, I find myself in a much stranger place of actually hearing from the Lord, but I am hearing Him in times of great distress. Is it that the past 12 months have been really amazing, have I had not one thing to show me my own weakness, to make me cry out to my Father for help? Is that why I did not hear? I know that the desert is supposed to be a good thing. Thomas Merton, in "The Wisdom of the Desert," describes how the "desert fathers" deliberately went out into the physical desert in order that they would find their own true self in Christ. Some went to be ruled by Christ alone and no other governing figures of the day.

I guess the idea is to seclude yourself, to go without in order to not be distracted, to make yourself vulnerable so that you may be more attuned to the spirit, but in my case it was like going without hearing from God or feeling God instead of going without a bed or food...it seems like the Lord was building in me an even greater longing and desire for Him, to hear from Him, to know Him...It was agonizing at times, but I found my resolve, and determined not to give up, going day after day - even if it was just for 3 minutes - saying, "God, I know You are here, I know You can hear me, and though I do not hear You, I will stand here before You."

Now I find myself in a completely different situation, so distracted with the things that seem to be wrong with my life, that I forget to come before Him each day...but He is meeting me now to remind me He is here, He is carrying me. The most gentle reminder is that I do not have to struggle alone, that in my weakness He is made strong. I have experienced this so many times...and this time it is even sweeter than before...in my times of weakness, I can feel His strength, I can feel Him and hear Him like I have not for over a year. He shines through me when I can't do anything but cry out for Him, and in my state of utter helplessness, when I am completely spent and cannot go on another minute, He picks me up and carries me.

Respect Your Man!

2005-05-25T15:24:00.000-07:00

A fellow Bluer ite, Patsy, sent me this in an email this morning...it's a quote from the book, For Women Only, by Shaunti Feldhahn. This was actually found on another blog - Descartes' Bar and Grill ......strangely enough, it's what I've been thinking about a lot lately - not this particular book, but specifically this line from it!:

"the most interesting thing: men would rather feel alone and unloved than inadequate and disrespected... just the opposite of what most women would choose..."

The Lord has been putting this on my heart a lot lately, for some reason...maybe it's the outta control hormones and the way I have been so unkind to my husband lately, but at every turn, He has sent me something via someone with this same message. Yesterday my aunt called me and wanted to talk about honoring your husband, and the lack of honor in our culture today. It was the last thing I wanted to talk about, probably because I have not been honoring my own husband.

A few years ago I did learn this lesson - I must have forgotten it already. I have this need to control (that I'm sure I inherited) that effects different parts of my life negatively. One of the things I unconsciously or consciously try to control is my marriage and my husband...I feel like my way is the only way, and if things are not done my way it's just not worth doing, and if it's not done when I want it done, I just have to do it myself. Sometimes I find myself so self-centered that I pity others who think that their way is better - and then I try to convince them why it's not. WHOA. Maybe I'm being a little bit too honest here...

I keep going back to one of the scriptures read at our wedding - and probably every other wedding - and this is where the Lord has really been gently allowing me to see how my actions can deeply wound my husband....

I Corinthians 13:5 & 7
Love - God's love in us - does not insist on it's own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking; it is not touchy or fretful or resentful; it takes no account of the evil done to it, it pays no attention to a suffered wrong. Love bears up under anything and everything that comes; it is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances.

In my efforts to control, I have taken away the honor due my husband, the respect he deserves and needs from me. What God has been showing me is the amazing privelege of a woman to be the SILENT support of her husband, and how humility is when I am happy because my husband is happy - whether it be because of something I've helped him to do or not, I do not need to point this out, throw it in his face or tell everyone else. I have found that I can actually find joy in bringing honor to my husband, in respecting him, wanting his advice, listening to him, giving him the credit he deserves instead of trying to convince him that he's done it all wrong, or complaining to my girlfriends about all of the things that annoy me. These are things that DIS-honor him, and lead him to think I do not respect him, or that I think he is inadequate.

The amazing thing is that I have also found that when I do treat my husband with respect and when I honor him, he is really deeply touched by it. In this way of honoring him, he desires to honor me in return, he desires to make me happy, and he allows me to see into the depths of his soul because he feels safe, feels adequate, and necessary. This is love as I've always imagined it.

This really goes against everything our society would tell us is acceptable or sane, but then again, humility and honor have all but disappeared in the world as we know it today.

God has put on my heart this need that men have for women to be a pillar of silent strength, to be steady, unchanging support. When I tout my abilities over my husband or gripe about everything I think he does wrong just because it's not my way, I no longer exist as a support, but I become a symbol of his "supposed" failure...I am tearing him to shreds and then expecting that to be motivating enough to get him to do what I want him to...yikes.

2005-05-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

I find I am most happy when I am singing songs of praise to Jesus.

Thanks Mom(s)

2005-05-16T14:42:00.000-07:00

I have been down lately, really feeling like I'm not getting my fair share because my mom is not here to share in my pregnancy (I'm sure she was "out of control hormonal" with her pregnancies also, wouldn't she have some great advice if I could talk to her today?) I have spent most of my life without my mother. It's been scary, lonely at times, and sometimes just not fair...

Yesteray, I was so touched by the women of Bluer, who ministered to me and prayed for me that I began to see again how incredibly the Lord has placed women in my life - at each stage - who have been a mother to me.

The lessons my mother taught me before she died are more important to me than almost anything else. I remember learning how to cook and clean at such a young age, how to treat others, how to read music, how to give of myself, how to spend time with God, which books were the really good ones, how to laugh and be silly, how to journal...I could not have asked for a better mom.

And yet...in the years that she's been gone, I have had so many different mothers - mothers who have helped me with going through puberty, dating, applying to college, my first times away from home at school. I have had mothers who have taught me responsibility, who have nurtured my spirituality, taken a genuine interest in my life and in helping me out, planning weddings, moving, cleaning a new house I'm about to move into, planting a garden...

I have been blessed with women I have been able to share my deepest fears with, women who have prayed for me and with me, women who have told me when I needed to get a grip. A lot of people can say this about their friends, but God has constantly placed in my life women who are older than me, about the age my mom would have been today, who seem to have a tender spot in their heart for me...little, broken, unworthy me...

It's just another way God is revealing my redemption, my worth, the love He has for me. The One who will not let me go has given me the gift of a mother in every way I could have possibly needed her.