PURPOSE?

Lord, last night you whispered to me to go outside and write…this morning I ventured out under a most ominous sky, but returned for fear of getting stuck on my bike, far from home in a storm…Once home, I decided to go out again – I was going to obey. I prayed, Lord, that if I was going to follow, that the weather would permit. I slipped on my shoes and backpack…headed out the door…into the rain…and then right back in again. Am I afraid of the rain? Is it my excuse? It comes only from You, yet I sit here still, not daring to venture further out than my back porch lest the rain comes again, and I drown?

It is cold here on my porch, the wind is blowing in all directions…Two perfectly blue patches of sky pass by quickly changing shape and gathering clouds…they are now only slivers. I am chilled to the bone, but I wait. I wait on You – wait for some divine inspiration that will direct my energy towards writing. Maybe it will be so great others will rave…and even now I realize that this is still about me – what am I hoping to accomplish out here in this cold green chair? To write something great enough for personal glory or recognition? I can’t even spell right! Father, You have placed me here, given me the power to think, the knowledge to write, the desire to grow…what ever can I myself give to You without Your own divine inspiration?

Even my goosebumps are from You. They multiply exponentially as all chance of seeing the sun seems to dissipate…and so, I sit, trying to conjure up thoughts that once written will impress someone…and me.

Who am I Lord, that you would now still the wind to give me warmth? What is the thing that you would have me do? Are we, as humans, too wrapped up in purpose and vision? Is it that You merely want to commune – the rest will just be? Not only I, but all of humanity seeks their purpose – the teachings, the scriptures, the feeling that comes even from FEELING purposeful even if we are not. We long to be able to say; “I do this because I have been led”…”the desire of my heart lies here.” But for those of us who do not yet know the desire of our hearts, how can we seek after it? Is it that You have not yet divinely placed in us the stirring of our souls? Or is it that we have differentiated between a spiritual stirring that comes from Your presence and a physical position of success?

Can we sit and be still with You, Lord, for our purpose here? You did create us for communion with You! So Why? Why is it that the whole US is so taken with the need to produce income? To have a marketable degree or a popular career? I must confess, I am in that place – wondering to and fro – how many distractions can I fill my life with?! When my husband comes home, how many things can I tell him I’ve done so as not to disappoint him? (and me?). What does it mean when You say, “If a man does not work, he does not eat”?

Another blue patch of sky I see. Everywhere else foreboding. What will I do then, all the days of my life? Oh, how I wish I lived in the days of Moses, so Your signs were still obvious. What am I missing? Why can’t I get it? And, when I do get it, why can’t I do it? Why don’t I remember it?!!