Too Much Introspection
The revelation that this life is not all about me has come to be of great comfort. As I look back on my past and the decisions I've made, I am overwhelmed at my selfish motives, but what strikes me most is how tough it was to live in a world in which I was the focus. The daily drudge of performing and trying to be approved of, or liked by others is full of self examination: Did I do it right? What if they don't like me? Are my words going to inspire them? What will they think of me if I were to do that? There seems no end to these questions, and no relief, no rest, or relaxation, no peace.
Unfortunately, I've tried to be just about everyone in order to fit in. Most of the time, my people-pleasing led me to bad decisions and wasted, lost relationships. Even then, I looked at myself and was disappointed because I'd compromised, and someone was going to think badly of me.
My wrecked life won't look like a cause worthy of God's grace, but He tenderly offered me His love. As a re-born-again child of God, I was - and still am - so distracted with all of the teachings, ministries, and tools of the trade. It seems everyone has a different way to do "God" right. So, I tried just reading the Bible all the way through...and I was doing quite well until I read Exodus - the building of the temple, killing of animals and throwing around of blood. I kept asking God, "Whatever is the purpose of this?" I was glad for His answer, and now better understand, but at that time it just wasn't working for me. I was actually disgusted. I tried reading spiritually inspirational books, listening to tapes, journaling, different types of worship and alone time, dancing, meditating - you name it! But I still only got the "tears" and emotional feelings of being in God's presence maybe once in all of my 50 attempts.
It hit me one day - I was sitting outside at my new home, and I realized that I was having an identity change, or maybe crisis! Besides moving to the opposite end of the world, beginning a new job, and a new church, something was changing inside too. The way I looked at myself began to change. The Lord had been hearing me, and He had been working on my heart in a way that was starting to shift my focus from me to Him, and I was scrambling! As my old flesh still performed - now for God mostly, at least, I had realized, I was less inclined to perform for everyone else around me. That was what I thought.
I so longed to be able to have that "spiritual" experience that we associate with some sort of overwhelming emotion, that my focus was intent on the tools of the trade. I had to set the mood, I had to have the right worship music, and posture myself to clear my mind. When these things failed, I became entirely crushed! I would ask every night in my quiet time, "Where are You God? I'm waiting for You to meet me and make me feel good."
Our women's group is reading "Believing God" by Beth Moore. One of the activities she recommends is to wear a blue bracelet - to remind You of something that the Lord is speaking to you at the time - or as a reminder of who He is. I felt so awkward in our group, because the Lord wasn't speaking to me at all!! My bracelet was pretty much for show at that point! So, when we went around the circle to share the meanings of our bracelet, for once I was just honest. I said, "Nothing, nothing is what the Lord is speaking to me right now."
Previously I had shared with our group my struggle with performance, so in response to my answer, our group leader revealed that maybe "nothing" was exactly the point - that maybe the Lord has me in a quiet place of absolutely nothing, so that there wouldn't be "something" for me to prove or live up to.
The next week, I attended the church service, still wearing my blue bracelet. Still "nothing," all week, but during worship, I was so overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit, that I could not even stand up. I just cried and cried and cried. I was so excited to be feeling God again, I just went with it. People were looking at me, and my husband was so concerned that something had happened; he kept asking me if I was alright. I was so upset with him, for interrupting this precious time with God - why didn't he get it? So, I just started to journal right there during service - I was writing to God about how upset I was that Luke didn't get it, and that he was looking at me funny. When the worship ended, I looked down at my journal, and saw that the last two lines of what I had written said, "It will happen, but I've got to take you out of the focus first, I've got to change your performance mentality so that it's about ME, not you."
At that point, I was trying to decide whether to quit my job, what my role is as a forerunner, and if I was one day going to be a famous writer (which, you can probably tell, I will not), so I knew that God was answering me! All of those questions...I was overcome with sadness because of my own selfishness. I was completely humbled, and yet tenderly loved at the same time.
Although those changes don't happen overnight, there is such a freedom in those words. I am free to stop my self-examination, free from the way others look at me, free from me! And so...I still have my blue bracelet on, and when I look at it, I remember, "It's not about me." When I expect something from God out of my alone time, I am making it about me, and not about God.
It is a struggle, to completely change over from 25 years of self-examination, self focus and performance. It is especially hard in my relationship with the Lord - because there is a part of loving God that calls for self examination, and a time that you want God to search you and know your heart. I still sometimes go in circles, thinking, "Okay, I want to be with You, God, but is this about me? How will I know if it is? I am thinking about myself, that's gotta be bad, right?" But God has been faithful to remind me of how ridiculous I am being, and I sometimes get to the place where I can rest in the knowledge that the Lord is delighted by our motivations for Him, and even because we intend to be with Him and know Him, He counts that and is overjoyed.
Unfortunately, I've tried to be just about everyone in order to fit in. Most of the time, my people-pleasing led me to bad decisions and wasted, lost relationships. Even then, I looked at myself and was disappointed because I'd compromised, and someone was going to think badly of me.
My wrecked life won't look like a cause worthy of God's grace, but He tenderly offered me His love. As a re-born-again child of God, I was - and still am - so distracted with all of the teachings, ministries, and tools of the trade. It seems everyone has a different way to do "God" right. So, I tried just reading the Bible all the way through...and I was doing quite well until I read Exodus - the building of the temple, killing of animals and throwing around of blood. I kept asking God, "Whatever is the purpose of this?" I was glad for His answer, and now better understand, but at that time it just wasn't working for me. I was actually disgusted. I tried reading spiritually inspirational books, listening to tapes, journaling, different types of worship and alone time, dancing, meditating - you name it! But I still only got the "tears" and emotional feelings of being in God's presence maybe once in all of my 50 attempts.
It hit me one day - I was sitting outside at my new home, and I realized that I was having an identity change, or maybe crisis! Besides moving to the opposite end of the world, beginning a new job, and a new church, something was changing inside too. The way I looked at myself began to change. The Lord had been hearing me, and He had been working on my heart in a way that was starting to shift my focus from me to Him, and I was scrambling! As my old flesh still performed - now for God mostly, at least, I had realized, I was less inclined to perform for everyone else around me. That was what I thought.
I so longed to be able to have that "spiritual" experience that we associate with some sort of overwhelming emotion, that my focus was intent on the tools of the trade. I had to set the mood, I had to have the right worship music, and posture myself to clear my mind. When these things failed, I became entirely crushed! I would ask every night in my quiet time, "Where are You God? I'm waiting for You to meet me and make me feel good."
Our women's group is reading "Believing God" by Beth Moore. One of the activities she recommends is to wear a blue bracelet - to remind You of something that the Lord is speaking to you at the time - or as a reminder of who He is. I felt so awkward in our group, because the Lord wasn't speaking to me at all!! My bracelet was pretty much for show at that point! So, when we went around the circle to share the meanings of our bracelet, for once I was just honest. I said, "Nothing, nothing is what the Lord is speaking to me right now."
Previously I had shared with our group my struggle with performance, so in response to my answer, our group leader revealed that maybe "nothing" was exactly the point - that maybe the Lord has me in a quiet place of absolutely nothing, so that there wouldn't be "something" for me to prove or live up to.
The next week, I attended the church service, still wearing my blue bracelet. Still "nothing," all week, but during worship, I was so overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit, that I could not even stand up. I just cried and cried and cried. I was so excited to be feeling God again, I just went with it. People were looking at me, and my husband was so concerned that something had happened; he kept asking me if I was alright. I was so upset with him, for interrupting this precious time with God - why didn't he get it? So, I just started to journal right there during service - I was writing to God about how upset I was that Luke didn't get it, and that he was looking at me funny. When the worship ended, I looked down at my journal, and saw that the last two lines of what I had written said, "It will happen, but I've got to take you out of the focus first, I've got to change your performance mentality so that it's about ME, not you."
At that point, I was trying to decide whether to quit my job, what my role is as a forerunner, and if I was one day going to be a famous writer (which, you can probably tell, I will not), so I knew that God was answering me! All of those questions...I was overcome with sadness because of my own selfishness. I was completely humbled, and yet tenderly loved at the same time.
Although those changes don't happen overnight, there is such a freedom in those words. I am free to stop my self-examination, free from the way others look at me, free from me! And so...I still have my blue bracelet on, and when I look at it, I remember, "It's not about me." When I expect something from God out of my alone time, I am making it about me, and not about God.
It is a struggle, to completely change over from 25 years of self-examination, self focus and performance. It is especially hard in my relationship with the Lord - because there is a part of loving God that calls for self examination, and a time that you want God to search you and know your heart. I still sometimes go in circles, thinking, "Okay, I want to be with You, God, but is this about me? How will I know if it is? I am thinking about myself, that's gotta be bad, right?" But God has been faithful to remind me of how ridiculous I am being, and I sometimes get to the place where I can rest in the knowledge that the Lord is delighted by our motivations for Him, and even because we intend to be with Him and know Him, He counts that and is overjoyed.
posted by KariBryant @ 4:49 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home