...Who I Truly Am in Him
Despite what many mothers have said, being pregnant is one of the hardest things I've experienced in my life. I've never imagined or dreamed of being a mother...I've always just thought that I wouldn't have children. Luke always mentioned that he wanted children, but knew that I was still unsure. When I thought it may be something I might want, I was still skeptical. But now...I'M HAVING A BABY. It seemed so far off for a long time, but the closer I get the scarier it is. I am now feeling her kick, we've registered for baby stuff, my body is changing dramatically, I'm thinking of how to care for her, how my life is going to be different. There are so many things that I probably won't do the same...I already don't.
For the last 3 weeks, I've been struggling with this pregnancy. I couldn't pinpoint it. Today God showed me. As I looked in the mirror at my newly dimpled thighs, stripper boobs, and my big stomach...my flabby arms, pimply face and back...all I wanted was a bottle of wine and a cigarette-a whole pack of 'em. The more I thought of my life as a stay at home mom, the worse I felt. I felt like my whole purpose in life was over. Everything that has ever made me feel worthy is over. I no longer feel sexy in the least...doubt I ever will feel that way again...I won't be using my mind to crunch numbers or analyze data...or to recruit patients (though not much mindfulness involved there anyway). I won't hang out with friends over a few bottles of wine for at least another year...what will I do all day? Who will I connect with? We are moving into a townhome that makes me feel clausterphobic, with no yard...it will be the middle of winter here...it just got worse and worse...A friend said to me the other day that other than death, divorce and marriage, the most stressful events in life are moving, changing jobs and having a baby. I am doing all three of those...at the same time. With no family...and though I have friends up here, it's not the same. Thanks for indulging my pity party.
I sat down on the bed and just cried...who am I? Who am I going to be? I feel like I'm losing my identity sort of...and God was reminding me that these things that I get satisfaction from...these things that I allow to define me are fading, they are not eternal...I didn't want to listen though...I just don't want to change anymore! Can't things just settle down and get normal for a while...?EVER?
But, as I lay there on my bed, Luke came over and lay down with me...I was able to share my fears with him and cry with him, and the Lord spoke through him what He has trying to tell me all along...that I am not defined by the way that I look or the job that I have...that my worth comes from Him, that I touch people, that people like me not just for the way I look or the job that I have...the seed has been planted. I've pondered on what I look like to God. I've struggled with that for a few years...I know what it is in my head...I think He is starting to create a reality in my heart.
For the last 3 weeks, I've been struggling with this pregnancy. I couldn't pinpoint it. Today God showed me. As I looked in the mirror at my newly dimpled thighs, stripper boobs, and my big stomach...my flabby arms, pimply face and back...all I wanted was a bottle of wine and a cigarette-a whole pack of 'em. The more I thought of my life as a stay at home mom, the worse I felt. I felt like my whole purpose in life was over. Everything that has ever made me feel worthy is over. I no longer feel sexy in the least...doubt I ever will feel that way again...I won't be using my mind to crunch numbers or analyze data...or to recruit patients (though not much mindfulness involved there anyway). I won't hang out with friends over a few bottles of wine for at least another year...what will I do all day? Who will I connect with? We are moving into a townhome that makes me feel clausterphobic, with no yard...it will be the middle of winter here...it just got worse and worse...A friend said to me the other day that other than death, divorce and marriage, the most stressful events in life are moving, changing jobs and having a baby. I am doing all three of those...at the same time. With no family...and though I have friends up here, it's not the same. Thanks for indulging my pity party.
I sat down on the bed and just cried...who am I? Who am I going to be? I feel like I'm losing my identity sort of...and God was reminding me that these things that I get satisfaction from...these things that I allow to define me are fading, they are not eternal...I didn't want to listen though...I just don't want to change anymore! Can't things just settle down and get normal for a while...?EVER?
But, as I lay there on my bed, Luke came over and lay down with me...I was able to share my fears with him and cry with him, and the Lord spoke through him what He has trying to tell me all along...that I am not defined by the way that I look or the job that I have...that my worth comes from Him, that I touch people, that people like me not just for the way I look or the job that I have...the seed has been planted. I've pondered on what I look like to God. I've struggled with that for a few years...I know what it is in my head...I think He is starting to create a reality in my heart.
posted by KariBryant @ 6:55 PM
4 Comments:
At 8:51 AM,
Anonymous said…
I have enjoyed reading your blog over the last few months. You are abnormally profound, honest, prophetic, humble, and spiritual. Your words have spoken to my soul on numerous occasions. You have a unique ability to communicate Truth and the heart of the Father. In your posts I see my own frailty and helplessness, as well as gratitude and awe.
You flesh out the human condition; you combat fear by admitting fear; you are a gift.
At 8:59 AM,
Anonymous said…
Can't imagine just what all you are experiencing, but I would like to remind you of "what" you lost when your mother died. Did you lose her body? Her good cooking? Her job? Her involvement in all the church work she did? Her singing? I think not. You lost the "essence" of who she was--what you missed most was her human spirit, made in the image of God. And so, when thinking about how God sees you, I ask you to consider how He sees Himself? How does He see Jesus? How does He see Holy Spirit? When you get a good grip on that, I think then you will be able to get a small handle on how He sees you. And I want to tell you something else: it is not your physical body, your smile, your writing ability, your snazzy style of dressing that I love about you. No, it is the essence of who you are, Bride of Christ, in your new dress! Ever remember that word that was given? Did you really think it was PHYSICAL? Hmmmm . . . I'm still in love with you, my niece, my spiritual daughter, not for all the outward stuff--only for you, your essence, that part of you that is created in His image, reflecting Him!
At 5:25 PM,
Anonymous said…
"Today God showed me. As I looked in the mirror...that I am not what I look like..."
Kari, this is just the first of the many, many life lessons that God will teach you through your little baby.
I'm gonna be good and leave "stripper boobs" comment alone:-)
At 1:09 PM,
Anonymous said…
i think one of the hardest things for me in the past couple of years is admitting that what god has for me and where he wants me is better than what i want for myself. over the past 2 years i have had to watch this person that i had so carefully crafted as being the person i wanted to be die a slow and painful death. i never wanted to own a computer. i never wanted to be a cell phone guy. i never wanted to be in charge of several people and be responsible for them. i never wanted a high adrenaline, high stress job. i never wanted a son with cerebral palsey. i never wanted a marriage that was filled with constant strife and power stuggles. i just want to be laid back, calm, earthy, mysteriously philosophical, and theologically shocking. turns out for me, as i'm sure it will for you, that god knows who he created me to be better than i know who i think i should be. no matter what my romantic or idealistic notions of what i would like my life to be, there is god always challenging, always stirring, and always shaping me into a more beautiful vision than i could have ever hoped for myself. take heart. the cities is a ridiculously expensive place to live if you're trying to "keep up". and the reason i don't own a home is that i don't think any of them are worth what is being chrged for them. but if you're willing to let god throw out a few things, it can be done. Have you ever seen or read the books "miserly moms" or "miserly meals"? they were written by a woman who decided that the cost of working to basically pay the child care bills for the privilege(?) to work was not worth it and it was better to stay home and raise her children and order her home on her own while her husband worked. and this is in san francisco which makes our cost of living in minneapolis look like rural kansas. so it can be done if you are willing to let god change and shape what he wants your life to look like. sorry about the length of this comment. i didn't know how or where else to reach you. thanks for your thoughts and comments to me. i would respond, but that would make this even longer, and this is quite enough.
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