I think I can see the parallel between me being so sick and God cleaning me out from the inside. He has me in a place of shear exhaustion - I cannot think to perform or to try to take measures into my own hands...there is something so frustrating typically about me not being able to fix myself, to work out the things hidden in my heart and head, to get all of the dark secrets out and just be clean and pure already...
Very similarly, I have been sick for a month, and nothing I can do or say is making me better. I cannot really explain the exhaustion or dizziness or unsatisfied hunger, the tooth aches or body aches...I can't say to my boss in a way she'll quite understand that a sinus infection has me so bogged down. I just have to put myself at her mercy and at the mercy of the doctor who is still treating me.
And so...I see that I am indeed at the mercy of the Lord, waiting upon Him to clean me and purify and refine me just like my medication is slowly (but hopefully surely) clearing out all of the infection in my body.
My Father truly knows my tendency to try to take control of everything and so is allowing me to come to a place of no control over my physical health/performance at work...to teach me to trust in what I don't see and feel right now in my spirit man.
In such a profound way, I have seen a glimpse of who I am to God, and a place He longs to and will take me. I had a dream Friday night that I was skydiving without a parachute. I was freefalling so peacefully, just trusting, relaxing and living freely. I can't explain the feeling in words that would compare to what I felt at that moment, but there was peace like I've not had in years. I was longing to be back in the air, freefalling when I awoke. The picture that came to mind was God holding my hand in the air. I want that so badly - as badly as I want to FEEL the way I know in my head that the Lord sees me - clean and chaste and pure...
I got out of bed, and I looked out the window to see the first snowfall of the winter - pure and peaceful, white, soft, beautiful snow covering all I could see...and that is the place my Abbah is taking me...as my physical body is cleansed of infection, He is cleaning those dark corners of my soul. He is removing the Baals I've put before Him - pride, fear, performance.
Lately I've just been coughing and coughing and nothing is coming out...it's just STUCK in my chest! I want so bad for it all to be gone, but my efforts and timing are all off. I have to let the medicine work.
But...I have a glimpse and a promise that He is working on me...and He is alluring me in the wilderness where I will encounter my Bridegroom God, where His beauty will once again be revealed to me...Here in this wilderness, He is awakening my love for Him, stirring up my hunger with a glimpse, and removing every distraction and crutch I lean on instead of Him. When I realize that I can't do anything (let alone breath) without Him, there I will find His peace, there I will freefall with You Lord, in Your arms.
"And in that day I will make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and abolish battle equipment and conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely." Hosea 2:18
Very similarly, I have been sick for a month, and nothing I can do or say is making me better. I cannot really explain the exhaustion or dizziness or unsatisfied hunger, the tooth aches or body aches...I can't say to my boss in a way she'll quite understand that a sinus infection has me so bogged down. I just have to put myself at her mercy and at the mercy of the doctor who is still treating me.
And so...I see that I am indeed at the mercy of the Lord, waiting upon Him to clean me and purify and refine me just like my medication is slowly (but hopefully surely) clearing out all of the infection in my body.
My Father truly knows my tendency to try to take control of everything and so is allowing me to come to a place of no control over my physical health/performance at work...to teach me to trust in what I don't see and feel right now in my spirit man.
In such a profound way, I have seen a glimpse of who I am to God, and a place He longs to and will take me. I had a dream Friday night that I was skydiving without a parachute. I was freefalling so peacefully, just trusting, relaxing and living freely. I can't explain the feeling in words that would compare to what I felt at that moment, but there was peace like I've not had in years. I was longing to be back in the air, freefalling when I awoke. The picture that came to mind was God holding my hand in the air. I want that so badly - as badly as I want to FEEL the way I know in my head that the Lord sees me - clean and chaste and pure...
I got out of bed, and I looked out the window to see the first snowfall of the winter - pure and peaceful, white, soft, beautiful snow covering all I could see...and that is the place my Abbah is taking me...as my physical body is cleansed of infection, He is cleaning those dark corners of my soul. He is removing the Baals I've put before Him - pride, fear, performance.
Lately I've just been coughing and coughing and nothing is coming out...it's just STUCK in my chest! I want so bad for it all to be gone, but my efforts and timing are all off. I have to let the medicine work.
But...I have a glimpse and a promise that He is working on me...and He is alluring me in the wilderness where I will encounter my Bridegroom God, where His beauty will once again be revealed to me...Here in this wilderness, He is awakening my love for Him, stirring up my hunger with a glimpse, and removing every distraction and crutch I lean on instead of Him. When I realize that I can't do anything (let alone breath) without Him, there I will find His peace, there I will freefall with You Lord, in Your arms.
"And in that day I will make a covenant for Israel with the living creatures of the open country and with the birds of the heavens and with the creeping things of the ground. And I will break the bow and the sword and abolish battle equipment and conflict out of the land and will make you lie down safely." Hosea 2:18
posted by KariBryant @ 2:06 PM
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