It's a New Year...and it's good

I am trying to write with a cat on my

lap, hogging the keyboard, but I don't have the heart

to make him get down...Poor Claude.  He's getting

old..



Our pastor at Bluer (www.bluer.org   I still can't link.

sorry!)gave the most awesome message tonight about the

new year, new hope, starting fresh. It was sooo good.

So inspiring, so RIGHT. If I learn how to link in the

near future, I'll post it.





It was as if the whole message was SOS for me, and an

inspiration, or call to live your life fully in God,

the full, abundant life He's called us to, taking in

all of His creation and opportunity around

us...instead of being afraid of the mountain,

the rocky cliff and steep ledges, going my

own way up the mountain of myhrr...



I am so hungry, so thirsty, so in need...

I've just come to a place where I can't

live anymore without being full, without

moving forward, with being scared and intimidated...I

have to close my eyes and jump.  I have to...and I

can't worry anymore if I screw up!



Lately I've had this hunger, this longing,

it's not being satisfied, but it's there...it's more

recognizable than ever before...this after kind of

being in a place of wandering away, of feeling like

the Lord would never bestow His presence upon me

again...being tired of waiting and wanting and not

hearing or feeling or living...but I feel like I'm

going to have to step out and just do it...just go for

things that I'm typically intimidated to go for,

and I'm tired of not pursuing some things because

I may be doing it alone...



Last night I felt a little bit of that freedom that I

used to have in college...just having pizza and a beer

with Luke...but, for a moment, all of the rediculous

worries that I mull over daily just disappeared...and

it was nice. It's always nice when that happens...I used

to just go for things, and not worry about what people

thought.  I USED to, just for a time while I was also high

24 hours a day, feel like I really could do anything

in the world and be happy...and there was such freedom

in that (until I started having panick attacks).

Maybe this is a learned kind of freedom that God wants

to teach me?  I don't know...and I don't know anyone

personally who has ever gotten to that place and stayed...

but, if glimpses are all I get, I'll take it.



When I think about what I am doing with my life, all I

can come up with is "NOT MUCH"...not much in the way

of a career, or helping others or being adventurous,

or having a deep deep walk with God...there is not

much there at all.  But at the same time, it's so hard

to wait on the Lord to put in me the things I cannot

buy with money or give myself...I again, feel like I

am on the verge of greatness...but then stop myself

when I realize WHOSE greatness...really only

mine...where is that line that I cross so easily?  Or

have I ever been on the right side of it...or is there

a right side?



and so...I want so badly to be a part of something

meaningful, something great that brings GOOD to people,

and that is progressive in a pursuit of truth about God,

something growing, something driving, something

exciting...I am sure everyone wants that.  Why do we

not go after it? Or are we in the middle of it and do

not know it?



That is what I want for my new year..



Also, after reading those McLaren books, I kind of

became - well, I take that back.  Long before I read

those books, maybe it started with the elections?, I

was in negative mode...critical mode, and the Lord has

really put on my heart the positives lately, the need

to be positive, to see good, to not focus on what is wrong

with the church, but to be good and do good and not worry

about it...to slough off the old skin.



That is what I want for my new year...