I started taking notes on a teaching by Gary and Marie Wiens on Hope Deferred, and it turned into a prayer, that has really been my heart's cry to the Lord for the last 5 years regarding my own heart healing. Here's everything...not because I'm seeking advice or sympathy, but because I am trying to be more transparent, to give others permission to be so. I didn't even touch the teaching in this post - which, by the way, is really really good...if anyone's interested: www.bhmkc.com (burning heart ministries kansas city)
Notes:
Hope Deferred Due to Disappointment:
He takes our Pain and disappointment. He is also the redeemer of our grief.
Hope deferred makes a heart sick - Proverbs 13:12
When we feel like God's promises to us are not being fulfilled...we become discouraged, thinking that our prayres are not enough, we're doing something wrong, or something's wrong with God. Staying in the place of disappointment causes a block of faith, an inability to accept the next blessing...God longs for our honesty, and longs to bring His peace - even if there is no explanation for what happened or what didn't happen...
Prayer:
Lord, the expectation of normalcy...normal childhood...it was blown apart. Lord, my disappointment was the death of my mom. I've carried this with me for 17 years. I've lived 17 years without her. My heart has been affected in such a way by disappointment that it has blocked my faith. Father, I've asked for a heart healing, for healing of memories, to be relieved of my anger towards You. God, I've been crying out for 5 years at least...My disappointment has turned to anger - I confess my bitterness God. My hope, to be made whole in this area, has been deferred, if not lost all together. It makes me feel like something's wrong with me and something must be wrong with You. Like You've handed me this lot in life and that's that! I am past the point of heart sickness. My faith waivers daily...I expect, Lord, that You won't answer me. How long must I wait, O God, for You to answer me?
Psalm 13 "How long will you forget me, O Lord? Forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I lay up cares within me and have sorrow in my heart day after day? How long shall my enemy exalt himself over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord, my God! Lighten the eyes of my faith to behold Your face in the pitchlike darkness, lest I sleep the sleep of death!" Give me some understanding!!!
How long can I wage this violent war, choosing to trust? I don't want to abandon what I know just because today those things seem untrue. I confess I have assigned to You things that are not of Your character...but my heart continues to deceive me, Lord. This is how I deal with the anguish of my broken heart. It is sick, truly.
Lord, where were You on that day? How many times have I asked You this? How long must I wait for Your answer? I don't have a clue what to do with this heart of mine, with my waivering faith. I know enough to know that I can't. I can't fix me and regenerate me, so I cry out to You. Why do You delay in Your regeneration of me? My soul argues with my spirit because the evidence of my heartache seems so strong compared to the truth of Who You are sometimes....
It is a daily struggle, God...to choose to believe that someday I will have peace, someday I will understand, someday You will show me why and how and it will be worth it. Even if there is no understanding, Father, I so long for peace...I long for a time that every area of my life is not stirred with the ingredients of my anger towards You...I want to be able to open ALL of me up to You, I want to trust You with everything...I want to truly rest in You.
Notes:
Hope Deferred Due to Disappointment:
He takes our Pain and disappointment. He is also the redeemer of our grief.
Hope deferred makes a heart sick - Proverbs 13:12
When we feel like God's promises to us are not being fulfilled...we become discouraged, thinking that our prayres are not enough, we're doing something wrong, or something's wrong with God. Staying in the place of disappointment causes a block of faith, an inability to accept the next blessing...God longs for our honesty, and longs to bring His peace - even if there is no explanation for what happened or what didn't happen...
Prayer:
Lord, the expectation of normalcy...normal childhood...it was blown apart. Lord, my disappointment was the death of my mom. I've carried this with me for 17 years. I've lived 17 years without her. My heart has been affected in such a way by disappointment that it has blocked my faith. Father, I've asked for a heart healing, for healing of memories, to be relieved of my anger towards You. God, I've been crying out for 5 years at least...My disappointment has turned to anger - I confess my bitterness God. My hope, to be made whole in this area, has been deferred, if not lost all together. It makes me feel like something's wrong with me and something must be wrong with You. Like You've handed me this lot in life and that's that! I am past the point of heart sickness. My faith waivers daily...I expect, Lord, that You won't answer me. How long must I wait, O God, for You to answer me?
Psalm 13 "How long will you forget me, O Lord? Forever? How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I lay up cares within me and have sorrow in my heart day after day? How long shall my enemy exalt himself over me? Consider and answer me, O Lord, my God! Lighten the eyes of my faith to behold Your face in the pitchlike darkness, lest I sleep the sleep of death!" Give me some understanding!!!
How long can I wage this violent war, choosing to trust? I don't want to abandon what I know just because today those things seem untrue. I confess I have assigned to You things that are not of Your character...but my heart continues to deceive me, Lord. This is how I deal with the anguish of my broken heart. It is sick, truly.
Lord, where were You on that day? How many times have I asked You this? How long must I wait for Your answer? I don't have a clue what to do with this heart of mine, with my waivering faith. I know enough to know that I can't. I can't fix me and regenerate me, so I cry out to You. Why do You delay in Your regeneration of me? My soul argues with my spirit because the evidence of my heartache seems so strong compared to the truth of Who You are sometimes....
It is a daily struggle, God...to choose to believe that someday I will have peace, someday I will understand, someday You will show me why and how and it will be worth it. Even if there is no understanding, Father, I so long for peace...I long for a time that every area of my life is not stirred with the ingredients of my anger towards You...I want to be able to open ALL of me up to You, I want to trust You with everything...I want to truly rest in You.
posted by KariBryant @ 1:21 PM
1 Comments:
At 4:53 AM,
Anonymous said…
Thank you for your deep level of honesty, as it is such a powerful witness. . .
I sense that this is a huge part of what "going deep" is really all about. And I sense that this is what will enable us to stand on that great and terrible day, as we will have been grown in the place of knowing Him and trusting Him so deeply that we can stand and not be offended. . .
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