I Don't Go To Church
So...right now I don't go to church. It's hard to explain this to people. I guess because I don't really understand what God is doing right now either. I feel like my faith is being questioned quite often, and my "wandering from an authoritatative umbrella" has been pointed out - this because of practicing faith while not going to church, precisely. Although, I don't consider myself loyal to any church or religious belief above Christ Himself, to Whom I am committed and submitted.
I just got off of the phone with a pastor who shook me up, strangely. It was not this pastor who questioned my faith in the way above, but I still felt like I was being scrutinized. I called to invite his wife to bring their children to the park or over here to play....I was taking a HUGE risk, as this town is pretty unfriendly in general, and I have yet to really meet any younger moms with kids who want to be friends. And...I'm not good at setting myself up for rejection as I have my own issues there. But, I'm so longing for a friend, and for friends for Mayah...I had met her a couple of weeks ago, and she has been on my mind ever since. Today I saw her twice, so I thought, what the heck? I'll just call! So, her husband answered and was making polite conversation about church...and in particular what we believed about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts operating today...and I couldn't explain any of the reasons we are not going to church right now...nor could I explain how I felt about "speaking in tongues," or how I KNOW that the Holy Spirit is still operating today. I guess Baptists believe that the gifts were for a time long ago, but not for today? Nor could I explain why we still feel like we don't have a church home after being here for over a year.
I don't know why. I want a church home...I really really do. Just don't feel at home at any church. I've often wondered if we are supposed to suck it up and just go somewhere we don't fit in at all, but we've done that. Are we just being picky? Are there really not any churches here that follow after God's heart the way we long to do? I have already acknowledged that we are not going to find contemporary worship, or freedom in worship, or young people, or anyone we have a deep deep spiritual connection with, and so, what do we look for? It just seems so strange to have a criteria, but then it seems strange that if we didn't, we'd be swollowed up in legalism and religion, far away from the heart of Jesus.
Anyway...I was so uncomfortable. I've been wondering what we are supposed to be doing for a few months now...that was when God really spoke to me about my role in the church we had been going to...and about doing a lot of things that He has not asked me to do, and being someone I am not just to please others. So, I went with it, and here we are.
Mayah's trying to help me write this post, so I'll finish these thoughts later...
I just got off of the phone with a pastor who shook me up, strangely. It was not this pastor who questioned my faith in the way above, but I still felt like I was being scrutinized. I called to invite his wife to bring their children to the park or over here to play....I was taking a HUGE risk, as this town is pretty unfriendly in general, and I have yet to really meet any younger moms with kids who want to be friends. And...I'm not good at setting myself up for rejection as I have my own issues there. But, I'm so longing for a friend, and for friends for Mayah...I had met her a couple of weeks ago, and she has been on my mind ever since. Today I saw her twice, so I thought, what the heck? I'll just call! So, her husband answered and was making polite conversation about church...and in particular what we believed about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts operating today...and I couldn't explain any of the reasons we are not going to church right now...nor could I explain how I felt about "speaking in tongues," or how I KNOW that the Holy Spirit is still operating today. I guess Baptists believe that the gifts were for a time long ago, but not for today? Nor could I explain why we still feel like we don't have a church home after being here for over a year.
I don't know why. I want a church home...I really really do. Just don't feel at home at any church. I've often wondered if we are supposed to suck it up and just go somewhere we don't fit in at all, but we've done that. Are we just being picky? Are there really not any churches here that follow after God's heart the way we long to do? I have already acknowledged that we are not going to find contemporary worship, or freedom in worship, or young people, or anyone we have a deep deep spiritual connection with, and so, what do we look for? It just seems so strange to have a criteria, but then it seems strange that if we didn't, we'd be swollowed up in legalism and religion, far away from the heart of Jesus.
Anyway...I was so uncomfortable. I've been wondering what we are supposed to be doing for a few months now...that was when God really spoke to me about my role in the church we had been going to...and about doing a lot of things that He has not asked me to do, and being someone I am not just to please others. So, I went with it, and here we are.
Mayah's trying to help me write this post, so I'll finish these thoughts later...
posted by KariBryant @ 2:45 PM
7 Comments:
At 9:02 AM,
Nate said…
Hello, Wanting More.
My name is Nate, brother to Jon at something else. Right now, we have a number of disaffected people who suffer from PTCD. (Post Traumatic Church Disorder) I grew up in "church", my father was a pastor. I never felt "right" in his churches. He has taken churches from 80 people to 800 people. He is the most righteous man I know. But I reject his theology. I reject what he stands for as a pastor. But I love him more than anything for his steadfastness in faith. I believe he is going into the kingdom, and that God is pleased with him, even though he doesn't get it. Even though he gets the church game and is successful at it, he still perpetuates the problems in it. I believe that the biggest thing that comes from our not paying homage to churches any more, comes from knowledge. December 28, 2006 there is a post that really explains all of this in my view. It really is revealing. Because we try to hold clergy up as learned ones that have the wisdom to raise us up. But if you are consciencious and "Hide the word of God in your heart", your knowledge quickly, and I do mean quickly surpasses the knowledge of your local clergy. No matter what faith. Since you are now beyond them in understanding, God is asking you to continue to move on. The problem is, there is no place to move to really, since you know more than 99.7% of the pastors that you could go to. That is why we have a small but tight community here in our blogs. We can discuss the questions that would get you thrown out of a church in short order. But we just search the scriptures together to let each one decide for themselves what God is telling each of us individually. I have a post talking about that too January 5, 2007. So please feel free to talk to us about anything on your mind. If you are out in the sticks because God ask you to be there, you already have my respect for being a servant of God, rather than a servant of the world.
(Sorry about the length, I just get excited when I find another like me.)
At 12:28 PM,
Nate said…
18 months old. That is a precious time. I have not had any that young for a while. I am glad you left your comments on my blog. I am no spiritual teacher, but the things there are where God has lead me. There are many alternative ideas in it. Like how did the prophets of old know what to do? Weel they listened to the Holy Spirit. Why now should that change? My answer is it should not. So most of my ramblings folow along this line. Also my brother is close to this as well, but still God has lead him somewhere else. The community section on my blog has those of us that talk to one another often. Please feel free to join in any of the discussions. They are all very welcoming people.
At 7:39 AM,
Amy said…
Kari, don't let anyone define your faith by whether you attend church or not. There are plenty of people sitting in the pews who have no faith at all. They just go because it's tradition and they're steeped in the fear of man.
I applaud you for not bowing down to what man thinks of you. I understand (to a certain extent) what it's like to have people raise a brow when they hear that you're not currently attending a church - but then what exactly is the church anyways? Why does the church always have to be the service that takes place in the building on Sunday mornings? It's so much bigger than that! The church is made up of the people of God. If you are in fellowship with brothers and sisters in Christ, you are a part of the body of Christ no matter what any pastor says.
Nick and I are going through something similar and the way we look at church is completely different. If anything, it's helping to break the fear of man that still exists in our hearts. And we have to completely rely on God. We are driven to Him because we know how much we need Him. We no longer rely on the Pastor to "feed" us on a weekly basis. We have people in our life who play a "shepherding" role, but they aren't our official pastors. I believe you have the same in your life - maybe not in the town you live in, but you're not completely cut off from the body of Christ.
I'm praying that the Lord will speak into this time and what He's wanting to accomplish in your heart. I pray that this time will draw you closer to the heart of God and that you will come out the other side stronger as you lean heavily upon your Beloved.
I'm looking forward to hearing more of your thoughts on this...
At 8:14 PM,
Nate said…
I noticed that you deleted a post on the heart of God. I liked it alot. I believe he is trying to reveal his purpose for you in your new situation.
At 8:34 PM,
Gary Means said…
Thanks for commenting on my blog. Sounds like our journeys intersect in some ways. It is so frustrating to long for fellowship, and know that there are no believers around who are willing to offer it because of different priorities, values, perspectives, etc. I am fortunate to have a couple relationships where I know that we share similar kingdom values and perspectives, but still can't find a congregation within a reasonable driving time that does. That's part of the problem of living in the burbs. If I were still in Seattle I would have several options. oh well. What is, is.
I haven't visited your blog in a while. I look forward to reading more again.
At 12:18 PM,
Anonymous said…
Came over from Gary Means blog... my wife and I struggled with this about a year ago. We moved to VA 2 years ago, and immediately went to a church that is the same denomination as we went to in Ohio. It took about a year to realize it's not the same - and not a family in particular for us. We did find a church we now call home several months later...
We also struggled when moving out here with friends. We still haven't exactly connected with others too much, but a little bit through our oldest child in sports. A few possible friendships from coworkers. One family leaves a few houses down and we have done some things with them.
Life can be quite hard when it comes to others and developing real relationships.
At 5:39 PM,
Lori Hatcher said…
Hi Kari,
My name is Lori Hatcher, and I've hopped around on your blogs looking for a contact email address, but haven't found one. If you get this comment, would you please email me at loriahatcher@gmail.com? I have a request to make of you, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me a more private way to ask it. Thanks so much.
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