Having One of Those Days...
I am really struggling with being in Falls City today...I am tired of not having friends my age here...okay, I have one...I'm tired of the cold weather. I am tired of looking at all of the tacky yard crap - fake deer, dogs, fake flowers, etc...and I'm tired of meeting hopeless people, who don't want to change, people who just got out of jail or who are going to jail...lots of people here have experience with jail.
If I want to recycle, I have haul it all to a city an hour away...there's not even a movie theater here anymore. There used to be one that showed one movie at a time (maybe 2?) but they closed it down, and now all of the windows have been broken out. There is sits. Shattered glass still on the ground...only one window boarded up...the other left open for the meth addicts.
I'm tired of feeling alone, of not having anyone who can watch my child if I have to go to the doctor or even if I just want a break. I really need one right now. I am tired of not having a nice big grocery store that sells organic food, or ethnic food, and I'm tired of not having a coffee shop. I'm tired of having to drive an hour away if I need a new pair of jeans or if I want to buy groceries...or if I want to see a person who is not white. I am longing for a change of circumstances...which is not likely to happen.
I know that God wants to change me and not my circumstances...I know that He should be sufficient for me...right now....but COME ON!! Sometimes I have to ask Him why there are even places like this? I wonder what He feels when He looks down on this little town...heartbreak? I know why I am here...and I know that it is to do His work, but it is really hard to keep hoping when no one around you thinks there is anything to hope for. Only God can do that. I can't.
I feel like compassion is slowly leaking out of me...and I know just where to turn. The problem is, today I want to wallow in this shithole. I don't want to go to my Father, because somehow I feel like if I stay here, maybe He will have to come here too...and see all of this...and come with power and might and change things drastically.
If I want to recycle, I have haul it all to a city an hour away...there's not even a movie theater here anymore. There used to be one that showed one movie at a time (maybe 2?) but they closed it down, and now all of the windows have been broken out. There is sits. Shattered glass still on the ground...only one window boarded up...the other left open for the meth addicts.
I'm tired of feeling alone, of not having anyone who can watch my child if I have to go to the doctor or even if I just want a break. I really need one right now. I am tired of not having a nice big grocery store that sells organic food, or ethnic food, and I'm tired of not having a coffee shop. I'm tired of having to drive an hour away if I need a new pair of jeans or if I want to buy groceries...or if I want to see a person who is not white. I am longing for a change of circumstances...which is not likely to happen.
I know that God wants to change me and not my circumstances...I know that He should be sufficient for me...right now....but COME ON!! Sometimes I have to ask Him why there are even places like this? I wonder what He feels when He looks down on this little town...heartbreak? I know why I am here...and I know that it is to do His work, but it is really hard to keep hoping when no one around you thinks there is anything to hope for. Only God can do that. I can't.
I feel like compassion is slowly leaking out of me...and I know just where to turn. The problem is, today I want to wallow in this shithole. I don't want to go to my Father, because somehow I feel like if I stay here, maybe He will have to come here too...and see all of this...and come with power and might and change things drastically.
posted by KariBryant @ 2:23 PM
2 Comments:
At 5:37 PM,
Jack The Tech Boy said…
Hang in there sister!
Tank you for being so open and honest. My heart aches for you...and you know if mine does, then God's does a million times more!
I'll be praying for times of refreshing.
At 4:04 AM,
Anonymous said…
Kari,
I understand soooooooooo totally where you are, and the ache in your heart to connect with other like-minded individuals, to be in a place that is teeming with life, rather than 'not-life.' My guess is that He is doing a deep, deep, deep-rooted work in you that you won't even comprehend till years down the road. Like Abraham, sent to a land that was foreign, away from all of his family and everything familiar. And like Esther, selected to be married to a wicked king for the sake of God's people. And like Jesus. Hmmmmm . . . .
And just as a side benefit, He IS doing something in others there that you may never see or know of till you glance back from the other side. . .
No doubt, He is answering your prayers. There is something significant that He does when He pulls us out of circulation. I know all this jargon doesn't help you to feel better in the moment, but I hope it encourages you about your life, and the hope for your future. I expect that one day you will look back on this time and see it for what it really is.
Until then, I will continue to pray for you.
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