Oh...it is so against my whole lifestyle to be confrontational. I was raised to never ever ever be a problem, to always make people feel good, and to take on the responsibility or fault of anything that goes wrong. Also, that my self worth comes from others and their opinions of me, whether they are true or false. In this teaching, I also gained the very important knowledge on how to manipulate people, give guilt trips...you know, the things you observe...if you are being manipulated into feeling guilty all of the time, into never opening your mouth, then you learn to do the manipulating also. Just like if you hit your kids for hitting others...then, you are really teaching them it's okay to hit others. And so, I am "co-dependent" and with that comes being "manipulative." Pretty, huh?

I guess that God is wanting me to stop the madness. And it's so hard. I am second guessing myself at every step. I am really struggling with setting healthy boundaries and sticking with them...I am struggling with the idea that Jesus's blood covers all sin, and that is translating in my mind into guilt over keeping my boundaries (that seems like such a technical/counselor term, eh? I don't know what else to call it right now). It just is the most awful thing for someone to be mad at me!!! I hate it. I want everyone to like me and to be happy with me...and the fact that I am actually the one to cause the so-called problem is just eating me! It would just be so much easier to let people walk all over me and not confront the line that they step over. But, that is stepping away from the truth, stepping over the line for myself. But THAT IS SIN! Just because it looks different than what we think it should....

I am really just rambling, trying to sort things out in my mind. Maybe I've had too much coffee.