Hungry For God

Friday, April 25, 2008

Warning. This is a bitch session.

It's been a helluva week. It started last weekend, really, when we did not find a house in Ohio...then I had the kids for 3 nights without Luke ( I was not cut out to be a single parent in ANY form), Sam got an ear infection on day 2, and Mayah has regressed a little in her potty training. So, between a screaming 6 month old who is in too much pain to lie down, a 2 yr old pooping in her big girl panties, calls from the realtor to show our house, which is a wreck, a kitty who is still sick, and no sleep for 4 seems like it's all starting to pile up again. We found out yesterday that the house has termites...and it's had them since before we bought it, so either the realtor, the pest control guy (who certified that it was termite free), or the previous owner was doing something illegal to sell the house. We have recourse, but it will likely cost us more than just getting the house treated, which in itself is more than we have right now. The inspector came today, and reported that he was going to have to have a structrual engineer come to survey the house because of some cracks in the basement walls, an electrician and a plumber come out and inspect the wiring and plumbing seperately because the house is so old. Yay.

And then, there is the dreaded trip to Texas...This is what is really weighing on my mind. I wish I had a good thing to say about my family, but I don't. I can't wait to see my sister and her new baby...but the thought of having to stay at my dad's just about makes me want to throw up. Hence the previous post. I think since he's remarried (the day after I graduated from high school, which was 11 yrs ago), I have not had a pleasant visit home. This is not solely because of my stepmother...but there is just something strange going on there that I don't understand. Everyone's always on pins and needles, and any type of mess or "out of line" behavior is completely not tolerated. It's so strange. We cannot be comfortable in the house we grew up in, and we are constantly having to make sure our toddlers are not making a mess in the play room, and that they act like they really want to be around my dad and stepmother, when they feel more uncomfortable than I do. I don't know all of the details of my dad's life. My real mom didn't even know all of the details of his's all a secret it seems, which is probably part of the weirdness of his marriage - who knows? I've stopped trying to figure it out. It just seems like whenever we go down, either we all pretend everything's wonderful and come home exhausted from the act, or we have a huge screaming horrible blow out! I prefer the latter myself, but it doesn't really do any good because the pretense will always be there, and then it all starts over the next trip around. My entire dad's side of the family lives in the same town, so that is why we continue to go down. My grandmother may not be alive for much longer and she has not seen Sam or my sister's baby.

I could have a skewed view, I probably do, but it's where I'm at right now. I don't know who reads this, so I'll spare them/you more details except to say that I wish I felt like he even wanted to see me or my children. I just wish I knew how to respond in a healthy way to the whole situation. I love my dad and my stepmother...but I want to be sane. I want to be real and honest and I want my kids to do the same.

And so...the stress of the move, finances, sick kids, and no sleep is starting to wear on Luke and I. I can't remember the last time we actually had fun together!

Okay...Sam is crying...poor little guy.

Just Wondering

What are the different ways people handle extended family dysfunction? Assuming that NOT handling it is not an option?

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Freaking Out...a little

So, we are in Cincinnati. We begin our house hunt's GREAT being in the city again...knowing that this will be my new home. I am like a kid in a candy store. I know that sounds rediculous to most, but try living in the twighlight zone for 2 yrs. We ate at PF Changs...something I've been looking forward to for a week now. And, we are going to get to go to a movie!!! YAY! It's a little bit strange though...I feel like I may just get lost here in the city...I know there will be many ways to connect, and I will be able to meet others and be accepted by folks more easily than when we moved into Falls City. BUT. I feel like I'm going to have to learn how to drive in rush hour traffic again, and all that comes with city life.

I am also freaking out a bit because we left our daughter at home for our "looking" trip. We'll be gone for 5 days, and she's never been without us for more than one night. Maybe 2 nights, but with relatives. I miss her! I never thought I would say that about a 2.5 yr old whose favorite word is "mine!!!!!" or "no!!!" But, I hope she's okay.

We also left a sick kitty at home. I'm feeling really guilty about this. I am not sure what happened to him, I think he got bit seems to be a habit. We've already spent literally thousands of dollars on his medical mishaps, and so Luke has told me "absolutely not!" this time. I am afraid we are just going to have to put him to sleep. It's killing me because I am one of those die hard animal lover types...I don't know what feels worse, leaving him at home knowing he's sick or thinking about putting him to sleep. We have someone who is going to be looking after him, but that is not much comfort.

Okay! I'm going to call and see how Mayah is doing this evening! Tomorrow we start the great hunt. UGH. I hope we just find something we love and KNOW that it's the right place.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

The Sinner's Prayer

Today I was at a Bible study...we just watch a Beth Moore DVD basically. There are 3 of us who typically go in the, a girl who is a Christian, and another girl who is not sure about anything just yet. She was not raised around the church, and has no knowledge of the Bible. So, in this particular section, BM leads the ladies on screen and those watching at home to follow her - repeat after her - the sinner's prayer. I had been somewhat prepared for this. The host had mentioned that this would occur, and she was interested to see how this would be received.

We were supposed to repeat after BM OUT LOUD, even if we already have made a commitment to Christ. So, I felt peer pressure to follow along...but then I had to stop. It was the most awful feeling...the words, everything about it felt wrong. We were told that we don't have to come to Christ know, "So many people think that they need to wait until they get cleaned up to accept Christ" type of a speech. But then, at the end of the prayer, BM said something to the extent of - if you've just said this prayer for the first time, I want to welcome you to the family of God as my new brothers and sisters, etc...

How awful that must feel for someone who is not a Christian. What an exclusive club it must seem like! Okay - so, NOW you are good enough to be my brother or that you've said this prayer. NOW you are a part of God's family - because you've said these words this way. I know that she meant that if you have truly come to believe that Jesus died for your sins...but just the way it all came across made me feel embarrassed. I felt embarrassed for the girl there who is not part of the Christian religion, but is surrounded by it and is obviously excluded from it until she decides to "accept Christ." It's like, you really DO have to come to Christ in a certain way. I was just troubled by this.

And, the whole title, the whole concept of a "sinner's prayer" sets the one praying it in a certain position of outcast already. It's as if they are a sinner, but no one else who has accepted Christ is. Now what a load. I think if I was foreign to all of this, it would have really offended me. Maybe I'm easily offended. I mean, I believe that repentence is a huge part of our faith. I believe that until we realize that we are in need of Christ's mercy and forgiveness and grace, we cannot understand the entire concept of the cross. I believe these things, but I also believe that God created each one of us as His family...and I KNOW that even after we've chosen to follow Him, we are far far from perfection. I think the whole idea of a sinner's prayer should be thrown out. I wonder what the whole "coming to faith" would look like if Jesus were to describe it...would there be a way, certain words to say...a certain posture to take?

At the end of the video, I asked the girls about how they felt about the sinner's prayer, and the girl who is not a Christian explained that she felt much like I had imagined her feeling...but the other girl responded and said that she tried not to let herself get bogged down with the legalism of it all. It made me wonder if I was being legalistic. I have so often seen and pointed out others' legalism without realizing that I am steeped in it just as much. Maybe when we are trying to get away from what we think is legalism, we just move too far in the opposite direction and it becomes legalism all over again. The word legalism is starting to sound stupid to me now. I guess I've used it too much :)!

Monday, April 07, 2008

New Spoof Video

thought this was funny...but I don't know how to post it the right way!