Contemplative Prayer

A new, and very dear friend of mine gave me a book a few weeks ago titled, "When the Soul Listens" by Jan Johnson. It is about contemplative prayer, and kind of exposes some of the ruts we are stuck in in our prayer lives, and it explains contemplative prayer and its purpose...Here are a few thoughts from Jan Johnson:

"The purpose of contemplative prayer is NOT for blessing ourselves or for making ourselves happy, but for our spiritual formation."

In my notes (yes, I'm a geek), I have written down:
- Being formed in the image of Christ for the sake of others
- "Contemplation brings the solid food of wisdom made from the finest flour" (Clairvoux)
- With this wisdom, we grow in our love for God and by loving God we love others - to reconcile others to Him.

Contemplating the characteristics of God, His emotions, the man Jesus, the compassion He had for the "throwaways," grows us towards Him, and allows us to know His heart. It allows Him to work in our hearts, implanting His compassion for others and His wisdom within us. Thus, we become "Christlike."

I didn't really think my few feeble attempts at contemplation would yield much spiritual growth. Most of the time I fell asleep on the floor while meditating on a scripture. When I read this, I realized how Christ has indeed been working on me and changing my heart for others. This is apparent at work - my patience with people who are ugly and rude to me - I am overwhelmed at the compassion I've felt for them without even realizing it. I blogged about how my bad days are getting better, and how it's easier to be nice to angry people. Hmmm...today I realized that I have actually thought about motives and looked beyond the act towards the heart. I don't do this often, mind you...but I've recognized those times when I've been overwhelmed by compassion for a patient who is angry and taking it out on me. Most people are not intentionally ugly. Most of our sharp, peircing words are spoken out of emotional outbursts, and most of the time we regret our own words later on. If we could picture the person who is yelling at us now, later worrying and regretting and pouring over their words with sadness - as we typically do, then it is a lot easeir to respond kindly, and to treat them as a human who is a lot like us. WOW.

"Because times of meditation and contemplation detach us from others, we can see people as God sees them."

"It's obedience in a way so natural it seems acidental..."And this is good for people like me; then my obedience does not come about because I am centered on myself and trying hard to be a Christian."
This is me to a "T"!!! It almost seems this book was written for me! ;)

so...we were without electricity again today. I wonder if this is the norm for Minnesotans. Do people just go without light? I showered and got ready for work by candlelight this morning...no coffee. No blowdryer. No heat, except for the steam in the bathroom. I went to work in ponytail and no makeup. I was glad to see my choice in clothing was sufficient.

I am still wondering why the Lord has me working in this place...though today was much better than yesterday. It was a lot easier to be nice to people, and it's easier to deal with rude people when you are being nice to them. Kind of an oxmoronish statement, I guess...I felt relieved of some of the stress of a typical day, and there was a sense of peace. I was even able to say "no," quite eloquently, to co-workers who seemed to have gained a little bit more respect for me - or maybe it's because there is another "newby" to pass their filing off on. I was also reminded that it is actually no problem at all, maybe even my pleasure, to help people when they are nice and genuine...a good rule to follow myself. If we could all always be nice...

...and I thought yesterday was bad!

So, our electricity went out last night at about 1am. No one else in the neighborhood lost electricity, just us. I was trying to stay awake to reset my alarm clock when it came back on, but fell asleep anyway. I woke up late, had to let Luke shower before me because he has a long drive to work...I woke him up, and went downstairs to start some coffee only to find that the cat had puked all over the rug and I didn't have any creamer left. I got to work late, and was bombarded with people who somehow thought it was my job to do the tasks they didn't want to do. I am so not good at confrontation, or setting boundaries...so was completely nervous at saying NO. But, I did it anyway, and it wasn't received so well....

My computer crashed about an hour after I'd been working. It just went black. Everything I'd done was lost...when it came back on, it wouldn't save or print. Then it went black again. The IT specialist for our site was out sick. Finally, I got going again, and was trying to speed type and enter data when a pop up notified me that our IT specialist was back?, and apparently did not know that my problem had been fixed. I kept canceling her request, but she kept coming back!!!

Thank goodness one of the reps was bringing lunch. I decided that I wasn't going to get much done anyway, I'd try again after lunch. During lunch, the topic of conversation was my favorite: Politics and Religion! UGH. I had to sit through each person's opinion about Bush and the way he is OVERUSING religion in politics...and how being pro-choice is not FOR abortion, and that the pope better watch out or he'll lose his following with his comments about Kerry and his stand on abortion, and that christianity was all that seemed to be coming out of Bush...on and on. I had sat through this before, but was just so uncomfortable...I could not say anything at all. Each time I tried to change the subject, I was completely ignored...so I went back to my desk...I had a lot of catching up to do anyway!

One of the candidates I called for a study yelled at me over the phone about birth control then hung up on me. My computer crashed again. I had 17 voice mail messages. I'm on a deadline for recruiting for a new study, but the coordinator for the study left me a voicemail not to schedule anyone for her this week or next week. hmmm....I had to fax an ad for approval to a sponsor, but the fax number she gave me was out of service. When I called her back, her voice mail said she left this morning and will be out for the rest of the week. Our lab tech was upset with me for scheduling too many patients today. She wasn't here yesterday when there were 3 times as many! I went to our little private office bathroom, where I discovered that someone had peed all over the seat and the floor and there was no soap.

So, I was just about at that point where if one more thing went wrong, I was going to have a meltdown, when one of the nurses came over. She picked up the hole puncher and chunked it across the office into the trash can just for fun. Her day had been like mine...we ended up having to take the thing apart and mix and match parts to another one to result in one working whole punch. We laughed so hard, mostly because we were delirious and our brains were fried, but that was the most fun I'd had at work since I've started.

I keep wondering why God has me working here...it's so stressful! Each time I get to feeling that I cannot take another day, something comes up - like car repairs - that forces me to stay. I know there is a reason. Strangely He made it all good today with a hole punch.

Too Much Introspection

The revelation that this life is not all about me has come to be of great comfort. As I look back on my past and the decisions I've made, I am overwhelmed at my selfish motives, but what strikes me most is how tough it was to live in a world in which I was the focus. The daily drudge of performing and trying to be approved of, or liked by others is full of self examination: Did I do it right? What if they don't like me? Are my words going to inspire them? What will they think of me if I were to do that? There seems no end to these questions, and no relief, no rest, or relaxation, no peace.

Unfortunately, I've tried to be just about everyone in order to fit in. Most of the time, my people-pleasing led me to bad decisions and wasted, lost relationships. Even then, I looked at myself and was disappointed because I'd compromised, and someone was going to think badly of me.

My wrecked life won't look like a cause worthy of God's grace, but He tenderly offered me His love. As a re-born-again child of God, I was - and still am - so distracted with all of the teachings, ministries, and tools of the trade. It seems everyone has a different way to do "God" right. So, I tried just reading the Bible all the way through...and I was doing quite well until I read Exodus - the building of the temple, killing of animals and throwing around of blood. I kept asking God, "Whatever is the purpose of this?" I was glad for His answer, and now better understand, but at that time it just wasn't working for me. I was actually disgusted. I tried reading spiritually inspirational books, listening to tapes, journaling, different types of worship and alone time, dancing, meditating - you name it! But I still only got the "tears" and emotional feelings of being in God's presence maybe once in all of my 50 attempts.

It hit me one day - I was sitting outside at my new home, and I realized that I was having an identity change, or maybe crisis! Besides moving to the opposite end of the world, beginning a new job, and a new church, something was changing inside too. The way I looked at myself began to change. The Lord had been hearing me, and He had been working on my heart in a way that was starting to shift my focus from me to Him, and I was scrambling! As my old flesh still performed - now for God mostly, at least, I had realized, I was less inclined to perform for everyone else around me. That was what I thought.

I so longed to be able to have that "spiritual" experience that we associate with some sort of overwhelming emotion, that my focus was intent on the tools of the trade. I had to set the mood, I had to have the right worship music, and posture myself to clear my mind. When these things failed, I became entirely crushed! I would ask every night in my quiet time, "Where are You God? I'm waiting for You to meet me and make me feel good."

Our women's group is reading "Believing God" by Beth Moore. One of the activities she recommends is to wear a blue bracelet - to remind You of something that the Lord is speaking to you at the time - or as a reminder of who He is. I felt so awkward in our group, because the Lord wasn't speaking to me at all!! My bracelet was pretty much for show at that point! So, when we went around the circle to share the meanings of our bracelet, for once I was just honest. I said, "Nothing, nothing is what the Lord is speaking to me right now."

Previously I had shared with our group my struggle with performance, so in response to my answer, our group leader revealed that maybe "nothing" was exactly the point - that maybe the Lord has me in a quiet place of absolutely nothing, so that there wouldn't be "something" for me to prove or live up to.

The next week, I attended the church service, still wearing my blue bracelet. Still "nothing," all week, but during worship, I was so overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit, that I could not even stand up. I just cried and cried and cried. I was so excited to be feeling God again, I just went with it. People were looking at me, and my husband was so concerned that something had happened; he kept asking me if I was alright. I was so upset with him, for interrupting this precious time with God - why didn't he get it? So, I just started to journal right there during service - I was writing to God about how upset I was that Luke didn't get it, and that he was looking at me funny. When the worship ended, I looked down at my journal, and saw that the last two lines of what I had written said, "It will happen, but I've got to take you out of the focus first, I've got to change your performance mentality so that it's about ME, not you."

At that point, I was trying to decide whether to quit my job, what my role is as a forerunner, and if I was one day going to be a famous writer (which, you can probably tell, I will not), so I knew that God was answering me! All of those questions...I was overcome with sadness because of my own selfishness. I was completely humbled, and yet tenderly loved at the same time.

Although those changes don't happen overnight, there is such a freedom in those words. I am free to stop my self-examination, free from the way others look at me, free from me! And so...I still have my blue bracelet on, and when I look at it, I remember, "It's not about me." When I expect something from God out of my alone time, I am making it about me, and not about God.

It is a struggle, to completely change over from 25 years of self-examination, self focus and performance. It is especially hard in my relationship with the Lord - because there is a part of loving God that calls for self examination, and a time that you want God to search you and know your heart. I still sometimes go in circles, thinking, "Okay, I want to be with You, God, but is this about me? How will I know if it is? I am thinking about myself, that's gotta be bad, right?" But God has been faithful to remind me of how ridiculous I am being, and I sometimes get to the place where I can rest in the knowledge that the Lord is delighted by our motivations for Him, and even because we intend to be with Him and know Him, He counts that and is overjoyed.

PURPOSE?

Lord, last night you whispered to me to go outside and write…this morning I ventured out under a most ominous sky, but returned for fear of getting stuck on my bike, far from home in a storm…Once home, I decided to go out again – I was going to obey. I prayed, Lord, that if I was going to follow, that the weather would permit. I slipped on my shoes and backpack…headed out the door…into the rain…and then right back in again. Am I afraid of the rain? Is it my excuse? It comes only from You, yet I sit here still, not daring to venture further out than my back porch lest the rain comes again, and I drown?

It is cold here on my porch, the wind is blowing in all directions…Two perfectly blue patches of sky pass by quickly changing shape and gathering clouds…they are now only slivers. I am chilled to the bone, but I wait. I wait on You – wait for some divine inspiration that will direct my energy towards writing. Maybe it will be so great others will rave…and even now I realize that this is still about me – what am I hoping to accomplish out here in this cold green chair? To write something great enough for personal glory or recognition? I can’t even spell right! Father, You have placed me here, given me the power to think, the knowledge to write, the desire to grow…what ever can I myself give to You without Your own divine inspiration?

Even my goosebumps are from You. They multiply exponentially as all chance of seeing the sun seems to dissipate…and so, I sit, trying to conjure up thoughts that once written will impress someone…and me.

Who am I Lord, that you would now still the wind to give me warmth? What is the thing that you would have me do? Are we, as humans, too wrapped up in purpose and vision? Is it that You merely want to commune – the rest will just be? Not only I, but all of humanity seeks their purpose – the teachings, the scriptures, the feeling that comes even from FEELING purposeful even if we are not. We long to be able to say; “I do this because I have been led”…”the desire of my heart lies here.” But for those of us who do not yet know the desire of our hearts, how can we seek after it? Is it that You have not yet divinely placed in us the stirring of our souls? Or is it that we have differentiated between a spiritual stirring that comes from Your presence and a physical position of success?

Can we sit and be still with You, Lord, for our purpose here? You did create us for communion with You! So Why? Why is it that the whole US is so taken with the need to produce income? To have a marketable degree or a popular career? I must confess, I am in that place – wondering to and fro – how many distractions can I fill my life with?! When my husband comes home, how many things can I tell him I’ve done so as not to disappoint him? (and me?). What does it mean when You say, “If a man does not work, he does not eat”?

Another blue patch of sky I see. Everywhere else foreboding. What will I do then, all the days of my life? Oh, how I wish I lived in the days of Moses, so Your signs were still obvious. What am I missing? Why can’t I get it? And, when I do get it, why can’t I do it? Why don’t I remember it?!!