I Don't Go To Church

So...right now I don't go to church. It's hard to explain this to people. I guess because I don't really understand what God is doing right now either. I feel like my faith is being questioned quite often, and my "wandering from an authoritatative umbrella" has been pointed out - this because of practicing faith while not going to church, precisely. Although, I don't consider myself loyal to any church or religious belief above Christ Himself, to Whom I am committed and submitted.

I just got off of the phone with a pastor who shook me up, strangely. It was not this pastor who questioned my faith in the way above, but I still felt like I was being scrutinized. I called to invite his wife to bring their children to the park or over here to play....I was taking a HUGE risk, as this town is pretty unfriendly in general, and I have yet to really meet any younger moms with kids who want to be friends. And...I'm not good at setting myself up for rejection as I have my own issues there. But, I'm so longing for a friend, and for friends for Mayah...I had met her a couple of weeks ago, and she has been on my mind ever since. Today I saw her twice, so I thought, what the heck? I'll just call! So, her husband answered and was making polite conversation about church...and in particular what we believed about the Holy Spirit and spiritual gifts operating today...and I couldn't explain any of the reasons we are not going to church right now...nor could I explain how I felt about "speaking in tongues," or how I KNOW that the Holy Spirit is still operating today. I guess Baptists believe that the gifts were for a time long ago, but not for today? Nor could I explain why we still feel like we don't have a church home after being here for over a year.

I don't know why. I want a church home...I really really do. Just don't feel at home at any church. I've often wondered if we are supposed to suck it up and just go somewhere we don't fit in at all, but we've done that. Are we just being picky? Are there really not any churches here that follow after God's heart the way we long to do? I have already acknowledged that we are not going to find contemporary worship, or freedom in worship, or young people, or anyone we have a deep deep spiritual connection with, and so, what do we look for? It just seems so strange to have a criteria, but then it seems strange that if we didn't, we'd be swollowed up in legalism and religion, far away from the heart of Jesus.

Anyway...I was so uncomfortable. I've been wondering what we are supposed to be doing for a few months now...that was when God really spoke to me about my role in the church we had been going to...and about doing a lot of things that He has not asked me to do, and being someone I am not just to please others. So, I went with it, and here we are.

Mayah's trying to help me write this post, so I'll finish these thoughts later...

I Like This (but please don't misinterpret as a political statement)

I'm reading The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical, by Shane Claiborne...and as with anything we read, discernment is key, and God may speak to me clearly through one part that sounds like heresy to someone else...but there was so much truth in this book. Most of it boiled down to what really matters concerning the heart of God and His kingdom. It's WAY different from what you may hear in church or on TV, and especially from the media. This is a portion of the end of the book that I really really like:

"I am going to Iraq because I believe in a God of scandalous grace. If I believed terrorists were beyond redemption, I would need to rip out half of my New Testament Scriptures, for they were written by a converted terrorist. I have pledged allegiance to a King who loved evildoers so much he died for them (and of course, the people of Iraq are no more evil or more holy than the people of the US), teaching us that there is something worth dying for but nothing worth killing for. While terrorists were nailing him to a cross, my Jesus pleaded that they be shown mercy, for they knew not what they were doing. We are all wretched, and we are all beautiful. No one is beyond redemption. May we see in the hands of the oppressors our own hands, and in the faces of the oppressed our own faces. We are made of the same dust, and we cry the same salty tears.

I am going to Iraq in the footsteps of an executed and risen God. I follow a Jesus who rode into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey at Passover, knowing full well what he was walking into. This Jesus of the margins suffered an imperial execution by an oppressive regime of wealthy and pious elites. And now he dares me and woos me to come and follow, to take up my cross, to lose my life to find it, with the promises that life is more powerful than death and that it is more courageous to love our enemies than to kill them.

I am going to Iraq to stop terrorism. There are Muslim and Christian extremists who kill in the name of their gods. Their leaders are millionaires who live in comfort while their citizens die neglected in the streets. I believe in another kingdom that belongs to the poor and to the peacemakers. I believe in a safe world, and I know this world will never be safe as long as the masses lie in poverty so that a handful of people can live as they wish. Nor will the world be safe as long as we try to use violence to drive out violence. Violence only begets the very thing it seeks to destroy. My King warned his followers, 'If we pick up the sword, we will die by the sword.' How true this has proved to be throughout history. We armed Saddam in the conflict against Iran, and we armed Bin Ladin in the struggle against the Soviet Union. Timothy McVeigh, the most terrifying domestic terrorist in US history, was trained in the Gulf War, where he said he turned into an animal."

I hear people so often trying to categorize their sin, trying to convince themselves that they are better than someone else...better than the drug dealer or the adulterer, or the alcoholic...it's human nature I guess, but it's not God's nature. We are altogether missing the heart of God for His people, all of the people of the world, most importantly the people we don't want to look at or talk to or face.