"Letters From the Desert" by Carlo Carretto

My prayer is serious, though it may be dry and hard, it eventually is sustainable by the hope, the voice, the yearning found in that place more than any other. Sometimes it is more than a prayer of barrenness in the dry heat of the desert, or the cold night alone. But, it is real and it is heard by the Most High God.

I just finished this most precious book, "Letters From the Desert," by Carlo Carretto. He is among the few who chose the desert experience in order to make a clean slate of his heart and mind and soul before God, that he may live for God alone, not distracted by the chaos of the world. He presents his experience on such realistic terms, that it almost seems possible for any of us to go to this desert at any time, to use our every day experiences as ways in which we can see, hear, and taste our God.

Many times I ask God questions such as, "What am I suposed to do here on earth? How should I handle this situation? Why am I here?" ...I end up waiting anxiously for an answer of some sort that will enlighten me for the rest of my days...hoping I will receive the words that will be enough for me forever. This has yet to happen.

As my husband and I were flying home from Connecticut, where we were visiting friends who seem to have the most perfect lives - so happy, well sustained, good family life, etc...I was again asking, "God, will I be this way? What is my job as Your steward? Do I have a purpose?" I opened this book and read the following:

"I can only say, 'Live love, let love invade you. It will never fail to teach you what you must do.'
Charity, which is God in us, will point to the way ahead. It will say to you 'Now kneel,' or 'Now leave.'
It is love which gives things their value. It makes sense of the difficulty of spending hours and hours on one's knees praying while so many need looking after in the world; and in the context of love we must view our inability to change the world, to wipe out evil and suffering.
It is love which must determine one's actions, love which must give unity to what is divided. Love is the synthesis of contemplation and action, the meeting-point between heaven and earth, between God and humanity.
I have known the satisfaction of unrestrained action, and the joy of the comtemplative life in the dazzling peace of the desert, and I repeat again St. Augustine's words: 'Love and do as you will.' Don't worry about what you ought to do. Worry about loving. Don't interrogate heaven repeatedly and uselessly saying, 'What course of action should I pursue?' Concentrate on loving instead.
And by loving you will find out what is for you. Loving, you will listen to the Voice. Loving, you wil find peace."

Two days later I found out I was pregnant. My whole world has already changed. These questions I had asked just a few days earlier seem so selfish, my life seemed to have been so self-centered, and these wise words of love seem to be the exact answer that will forever enlighten me.

I Will Stand

I will stand.
With fierce determination I will come before You,
You whom my soul loves.

Though storm clouds blur my vision
And heavy winds try to move my feet,
I am planted firmly.

Like a delicate flower
Whose petals blow wildly in the breeze,
My roots grip the fertile soil
Sucking life and holding on tight

I will not let go of the One
Who will not let go of me.

I see myself as a little rose
Or autumn crocus of the Plain of Sharon
Or a humble lily of the valley
That grows in deep and difficult places.

How can I ever be worthy
Of the blind faith
You have called me to?

But You say,
Like the lily among the thorns,
So are you my love among the daughters.

Come, O north wind!
Try to move me from this place!
Though I do not feel you
I say yes to You!

I am not offended at the resolve
You are building in me
To climb Your Mountain of Myrrh.

Come storms and dark shadows.
I am not wavering.
I will stand.

"In the night I dreamed that I sought the one whom I love. I looked for him but could not find him. So I decided to go out into the city, into the streets and the broad ways and seek him who my soul loves. I sought him, but I could not find him." SOS 3:1

The whole of my body and soul feels empty, dried and shrivelled.
The gaping hole grows wider, the chasm deepens.
Waiting is not even torture anymore,
It is something I now long for.
To want to want, this is what I want.

I have found what I've been looking for,
But I can do nothing to attain it, to capture it, to understand it.
What I ache for is a mystery.
What I desire is lost somewhere beneath all of the words.
They are like a fence around my heart
That try to explain away the depths of my soul,
But they are not enough for me anymore.

The flame is no longer bright
But as thick logs in a dying fire still glow dimly,
The embers of my heart burn hot
Drifting back and forth
Searching for the Lover of My Soul
Who will once again breath life into me.