Anger that won't die,
Living to be rekindled,
Aiming at my Lover for revenge...
For rejecting me.
Though it was not even He who rejected me at all.

Who are you
Who has drawn me into the circle
Of deception and death?

Oh Jezebel, full of malice and anger,
You'll control me not...one day.
When all has been relinquished,
When my stiff fingers have been pried off,
And my whole life is truly HIS.

When will I learn?
When will I recognize
A lie from the pit?
A sword drawn to destroy
That which my Lover
Gave HIS life to rescue?

I see Your heart now.
How I've bruised it so,
And I don't understand.

How can You still want me?
I'm filthy and used.
I believed all the lies
She told me about You.

Truly I am the rejector,
Swarthy and mean.

Surely this robe is not meant for me.
It's too lovely and clean a garment
To be free.

Going Crazy, Baby!!!

I have just forced myself to take a break. Mayah is moving at lightening speed back and forth across the room eating dust bunnies...her runny nose is so bad it's dripping on the floor. She is between crying and happy-screaming.
The Bible study that I am doing was on patience this past week - makrothumia - patience with people. That being said, let me tell you about the last 4 days. They have been filled with snotty noses, runny poop that escapes the diapers, and NO SLEEP. Add on top of that Luke's schedule for harvest has him getting off of work between 7-8:30 every night and working weekends. So, I am doing this as a single mom (I don't know how you guys do it!!!) I am about to LOSE CONTROL. I have to nurse Mayah to sleep...that is the only way she will go down unless she cries herself to sleep, and we are not into inhumane behavoir at this house...So, when I finally get her to sleep, unlatched...then almost to the crib...Whaaaa. She wakes up crying! No more sleeping through the night either, and no more naps...She is sick, and doesn't want me to put her down, so even when I do put her down, I am still tense because she is crying. I also just found the cap to her oragel in her last poopy diaper!!! At least I had a good laugh...
We've been to the doctor, who prescribed a sort of baby antihistamine - I was hoping it would knock her out like it does me, but it does the opposite, so it's kinda been Jeckel and Hyde around here for the past couple of hours: Super hyper happy crazy Mayah turns immediately into sad, cranky crying Mayah all in a matter of seconds...
Oh, to just walk out the door and not come back in for a few hours...
If anyone would like to offer humane advice on how to get Princess Mayah to sleep so that I can have a few minutes of sanity, please spill it forth!!! It could be life-saving material!

For All In Authority

I believe we are being called to intense intercession for our nation at this time. God has commanded me to get on my face before Him in prayer for this nation, it's leaders, and the children of this nation.
http://www.facedown40.com/

Peacemaker or Peacekeeper?

"Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called the sons of God." Matt 5:9

"Do not think that I have come to bring peace upon the earth; I have not come to bring peace, but a sword." Matt 10:34

I am one of those people who would like everyone to like me. I would like to keep the peace. I can't STAND for someone to be mad at me. Am I talking to you? Yeah...there are a lot of us! God has been speaking to my heart about false peace...the type that peacekeepers like me often create. It is deceiving...it's complicated...but there are often times when the Lord wants us to speak up, even if it will cause strife, even if it will end a relationship! Our flesh is often opposed to true peace. We have been deceived by the enemy into thinking that it's better to remain silent than to cause someone to be upset with us. In understanding that peace often times means picking up our own swords (cutting off a relationship, ending our involvement in something not ordained by God, etc..), we also have to accept that in order to MAKE peace we have to come under the authority of our Father...in order to speak with authority and confidence with righteousness and truth. Sometimes it is God who draws His sword to cut us off from that which we have no business doing...or a relationship which we have no business in.

Peace at any cost is not true peace. As Beth Moore would say, "If we are deceiving someone to keep the peace, it's not peace!!" I keep the peace out of fear of being rejected, fear of losing someone or something. It is a lack of obedience. I choose my flesh instead of coming under His authority. This has also been described as an "Ahab spirit." In the end, there is no peace this way...we always end up back where we started, struggling with the problem again instead of resting in His peace.

Born Without Fusion

After a few months of severe back pain, I finally decided to go to a chiropractor...my apologies to all of you chiropractors out there, but I have always thought of you guys as strange neck popping quacks that make backs worse so that your patients will have to come back for more...
But, after my doctor didn't have a clue, and the pain was not subsiding, I went. The results? I just found out that my lowest vertebrae is not fused to the bone (pelvic? sacrum? no clue...) it's supposed to be fused to on my left side!!! Doc's guess was that I was born that way, and my body has grown to compensate...my spine is curvy and my 5th vertebrae is twisted outward so that one side is slightly lower than the other. Unfortunately, there is nothing the chiro can do except small adjustments (hmm). I had my first one yesterday. I had to lay down on my side and the chiro put all of his weight into contorting my body into cracking several times. It actually felt kinda good. Then, I got to stand on one of those machines that you start out standing on and then you end up laying on...it moves up and down..and I had little muscle - pulling electrode-type things attached to my lower back to stretch out the muscles. Does this sound like torture? On top of the electrode-type things was the largest heating pad known to man. It was pretty amazing...it actually felt really good. I will go back 2 more times and then I am on my own to build up ab and back muscles....

Jesus, Please Come Back

If Jesus is waiting to return until there are none left who will turn to Him, the world is going to get pretty scary. There will be those who are His no matter what, who will stand with Him through anything, and then there will be those who are utterly opposed to Him and those who stand with Him. There is coming a day when there can be no in between...no fence riders, no luke-warmers. It will either be all or nothing...for Him or against Him completely. What a choice for some of us to make!!! It seems as if this situation is closing in on us, does it not? I am amazed at His patience, His compassion and desire for those who are dark, yet lovely to Him. All I have to do is turn on the tv for my spirit to groan for His return...I long for the day that justice will be served here on earth to those who would hurt children, yet He waits for them. If there is still a chance, He cannot come. I cannot explain this God I love, nor can I understand Him fully. But, I long for His return...The Spirit and the Bride say COME!!!!! The whole earth is groaning and waiting for His return, creation longs for it...yet, under these circumstances, do we dare ask Him to come?